To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

Glad you are sticking up for yourself
I wouldn't be surprised if the in laws behaviour towards their other children and their partners is the cause of them not getting help from them either

Card and Chocolates OK, the rest is unnecessary from DIL, it's his partner and children's responsibility.

Could you and your husband go round and help out a bit. I don't think it's your responsibility, but if you both go for a few hours once in a while and do a bit of gardening, housework, or whatever needs doing that they can't cope with it makes it more of a family visit, not you being lumbered with 'helping'.

Is FIL getting dementia? Shouting at you for no reason seems a bit odd.

Edit: Or getting deaf, and misinterpreting things you said. My MIL used to do that!

Read the thread. Her PIL are abusive and she owes them nothing, she shouldn't go and help, she needs to go NC with them. Stop trying to get women to 'Be Kind' to abusers.

The reaction to family problems isn't always cut them off, these are her husbands parents. Family dynamics are not simple or black and white.

Why can’t your husband take some annual leave?

I’ve tried to read the full thread but that’s the bit I haven’t found an answer to.

Him sending them some Cook vouchers sounds a good idea too. And money to be spent on their care rather than being passed down to anyone sounds sensible too.

As I said, RTFT. She needs to cut them off, as does her husband. Her PIL are dangerous and irredeemable.

Just in response to a few questions.

DH siblings see us regularly and we will sometimes babysit the kids.
It is nice as we will get a lovely hand made thank you card/gift from the kids, they parents are appreciative for the help and have the manners to say thank you and speak nicely too.

As far as I know the siblings are not aware that they have been cut out from the will.

The inheritance my husband will receive makes no difference too me, like I tell my husband I have morals and principles and will not be manipulated by money.
The money will be DH, I dont and wont expect a penny.

FIL is just generally a nasty and sarcastic man, he defo dosent have dementia.
He maybe approaching 80 but is fit as a 50 year old, he keeps active and looks after himself.

He takes out his frustrations caused by his children not bothering about him on other people like myself and at times my MIL.

There's also the carer's leave that her husband (but not OP, as it's not her parent) should be legally entitled to.

Why should she 'turn the other cheek' and allow this rude and unpleasant man to get away with his behaviour?

Indeed!

Turning the other cheek" doesn't mean meekly allowing yourself to be abused.

At the time it was spoken/ written, it was customary for higher status individuals to admonish those of lower status with a (HARD!) backhanded slap on the cheek. By offering the other cheek the person who had been slapped was inviting a second - forward - slap with the palm of the hand. This would force the "slapper" to acknowledge the "slapped" as an equal (slave/ lower classes were always slapped backhand - it was contemptuous) AND it effectively issued a challenge. It said, "You haven't broken me, you barsteward!" It was a biblical "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough". It was an act of defiance - not of submission.

(Just thought I'd throw that in there)

It sounds like your FIL wants to malinger and make you be the family housemaid. Tell your NVDH that "No" is the only answer you have to give. It's not your circus and not your clown car. They can hire help and they'll learn really quick what happens when you are abusive to someone paid to help you.

I can think of zero reason someone would need 4 weeks bed rest except to be able to be a more demanding azzhat than your FIL already is.

THIS!!

You have no standing in the inheritance and if your NVDH suggests you do, tell him his parent's can redo their will leaving you half and your NVDH half and then you believe what he is saying. Until then, it's just HIS money to spend or not as HE wants. And who knows what will be left by that time. It could all get eaten up in care fees.

Good luck with trying that one. Have you heard about what's happening with NHS lately? There aren't district nurses on tap, they're like gold dust - and if he's been told he needs "4 weeks of bed rest" then there really are flying elephants. Utter rubbish.

@Nanaof1

In laws have specifically told me DH will inherit everything, he is the nominated Power of Attorney.

But according to DH they have put me in their will, I dont believe this at all.
I would be lucky to get a box of chocolates of them let alone be put in the will lol.

I think it will be the case of that in laws will have to pay for care in the future.

Im not sure if the council provide free care?

But as in laws are very wealthy I am assuming they would not be eligible?

I used to work as a Care Assistant in a care home when I was studying and know about "Moving & Handling" etc so perhaps that is another reason in laws expect me to help.

Yes, and the "Be kind" posters would be the last to do the "Be kind" bit if the boot were on the other foot. Why should any woman be deputised by her husband to pop in to check on HIS father - if said FiL is rude, demeaning and generally unpleasant? The dangling of the mythical "inheritance" is hilarious - oldest trick in the book for someone to manipulate members of a family, hubby was really scraping the barrel for excuses when he came up with that one.

Bet you a stick of toffee to a peppermint drop that DH/DiL are not mentioned in the Will in any event.

In OP's shoes, I wouldn't want his money if I were.

Sounds like FIL has tried to play his children off against each other. He had visions lying in his bed, like Queen Victoria and ringing a little bell to summon someone to do what he says, but the two children he has pissed of the most won’t have anything to do with him.

He could easily live another 15 - 20 years, and MIL could go first after being worn out after a lifetime of catering to his whims.

Sometimes you have to make a stand. Why help someone who has been nasty to you, and is not the one who any ‘apologies’ would come from. Your DH could take round a card and a box of ‘milk tray’ from both of you, but no going to wipe his arse or change dressings on your own, as the ‘family skivvy’.

———————————-

If DH is the sole inheritor in their wills he can do a deed of variation after they pass to split any proceeds equally between him and his siblings if he wants.

That's interesting, but in the very next verse (Matthew 5 v40) Jesus says "if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them 2 miles. Give to the one who asks you, do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." The context and the clear meaning is highlighting profligate kindness - and it was no easier to do then than it is to do now.

The Will business, this sounds like NSVDH is trying to dangle a carrot in front of you. Unless you’ve seen the will with your very own eyes don’t take the bait. Even if you’re named they could change it as soon as the “four weeks of bed rest” is up, he’ll be on to the solicitor as soon as you take off your plastic pinny and rubber gloves.

It all sounds pretty toxic to be honest.

I would certainly not accept my husband pushing me into being an unpaid skivvy to abusive people just so he can protect his inheritance.

You could offer to pick up a greater share of his childcare/ household tasks so he can offer more hands-on support, or arrange paid care.

Jesus says "if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well

Jewish law stated that if someone pledged their cloak it had to be handed back by nightfall - for many people their cloak was the only thing they had to protect them from the elements and the Law wouldn't see anyone sleeping unsheltered in the street. Many lenders were refusing to hand back these garments. By throwing their final garment at the person demanding it, a man rendered himself naked - and nakedness shamed not only the person who was naked, but anyone who caused it, and anyone who witnessed it (Remember Noah and his sons). Jesus was effectively saying embarrass them into behaving decently.

If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them 2 miles.

A Roman soldier could order a Jewish peasant to carry a burden for them - but only to a maximum of a mile. It was common for the Romans to compel people to act as "porters" for them. By taking it the extra mile, you were showing that you were choosing to do this as a free man with agency over your actions. The Roman soldier would be in the position of trying to stop you - and you could choose whether or not to carry on, taking the burden further than the soldier wanted you to, past his destination - yes, you risked being struck, but you had made a point.

These are forms of passive resistance - non-violent but calculated to give the subjugated a sense of identity, and show that they need not allow themselves to be bullied - God din't put anyone on earth to be a doormat!

Give to the one who asks you, do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

Helping people poorer than yourself, was an act of generosity, though, and was aimed at encouraging everyone to help those in real need. While it doesn't seem to fit with the others, it does in that it encourages people to look after each other and work together and fosters a sense of national unity.

Jesus was highly political. He didn't encourage violence, but he didn't expect people to put up with being abused and exploited, either.

But you are right - it isn't any easier now than then. OP isn't being compelled - she has a choice, and she is choosing nNOT to let people exploit her.

Edited: to add final sentence

I wouldn’t waste energy trying to get them to agree. It serves them all for you to take it on. Just try and truly beleive it yourself. That’s what’s finally worked for me.

You sound so nice.

You have married a dud.

His siblings probably have awful stories to tell.

You don't know the truth anout the awful dud you have married,.....god love you.

Don't have children with scum...it never works out.

The only way I would be doing this is if the chocolates were swapped out for chocolax and I needed access to steal all the toilet paper and replace it with that godawful waxed stuff you used to get in schools in the 90s.

Otherwise he could swivel. You reap what you sow.

I won't take your bet, Serafina, because I know you're right! The OP's partner must be desperate if coming up with that old chestnut was the best he could do! Perhaps telling him where to stick his money might be tempting?