To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

Not your Dad, not your problem! There’s no way I would be going to help my FIL while my husband stood idly by - and he has siblings too!

Find it hard to believe that he’ll be on 4 weeks bedrest while mothers are up and walking 7 hours after a c section, which is major abdominal surgery.

Just another story of men and their seemingly unending bullshit.

Hi - he would be entitled to help if his bed rest is medically prescribed and your MIL is not physically able to care for him. Are you saying he is lying about being told about the bed rest ?

suggest you increase your hours to full time and suggest he reduces his. He can then pick up all of your extra jobs at home and care for parents in law.

Watch how he reacts to that suggestion.

Have a long hard look at how your husband is behaving towards you OP.

He accepted your in laws being nasty and unkind towards you.

Had nothing to do with helping your parents.

Now is stroppy because you will not be involved with his parents when his own siblings refuse.

Sounds like you married a real dud, like his father.

If you don't have children, rethink.

If you do, protect yourself.

Where a warm loving in law relationship is involved it would be natural to be involved.

But in a situation like this and a husband who cares little for you, no way would I even visit these people.

Your husband is trying to pass future caring on to you asap, and set a precedent.

Absolutely NO involvement whatsoever is the way to go.

Yes he's lying! There isn't any surgery that would involve you being confined to your bed for month. This is really outdated advice that no surgeon in their right mind would be giving. Prostate surgery is pretty routine. He might need to take it easy for a little while but should be up and about as soon as he possibly can be

Snippysocks What bollocks is this?? You are definitely taking the piss 😂
be really really kind and helpful
sweetly tell him
peck on his cheek
modelling good behaviour
Would you tell a man to do all of that too?

OP is the little woman so she needs to bend over backwards and #bekind to a man that has been abusive towards her? People like you and her Fil are what’s wrong with the world. Abusive men and the women that enables the abusers. Fluffyboos is refusing to be a doormat to people who are vile to her. Good for her.

Hi - he would be entitled to help if his bed rest is medically prescribed and your MIL is not physically able to care for him. Are you saying he is lying about being told about the bed rest ?

He won't be medically prescribed bed rest, as others have mentioned that is the fastest way to a serious post operative complication like a blood clot or pneumonia, which no surgeon is going to actively encourage. It may be that he has misunderstood the advice which he has been given.

As women we often are raised to help others. To look after and nurture. Our hormones help us to do this. We often end up with a massive sense of guilt and responsibility.

Recent events have shown me that my whole life, I’ve spent lots of time, energy and emotional labour, actively looking out for ways to help others. Anyone. And getting a sense of self worth from that. I’ve had a tough time recently and about 3 out of 15 people in my life, that I have supported massively, were there for me in the same way I was for them. It’s been a massive eye opener.

If you go and help, you will avoid feelings of guilt, you will keep others happy, but you feel massive amounts of resentment and you will be using up your time and emotional/physical energy.

So, what feels like the lesser of two evils? Would you rather feel guilt or resentment? Would you rather have more energy for you or less hassle from others?

Is there a compromise? Send them some ‘cook’ vouchers? Drop round with a pre made meal for them and a bunch of flowers and card - stay for an hour making some empathic noises, then leave and go something nice?

It is not your responsibility though. A sense of guilt and duty is sometimes helpful to get us to do what’s right, but sometimes it’s just a sign that we have been socialised to think and feel that we ‘should’ do xyz by those that it suits best.

Support your husband in his disappointment in his siblings but if he gets mad at you , you say clearly that yes your siblings do let the family down, it is very upsetting, but you may not put it on me. I’m not your dads verbal punchbag and I’m not your punchbag either.

Doctor here who works in Geriatric Rehabilitation. It is extremely extremely unlikely he was really told to stay in bed for 4 weeks after a standard prostate op .

He either misunderstood or is having you all on.

After the next DH whinge about parents sad they're being ignored, say "Wow - I bet they really wish they'd been kinder to everyone now".

Why should the OP even drop round with flowers and a card? It is just putting her into the lions' den. If she visits, she would be subject to comments and hints and jibes from MIL, FIL and even her DH how she should be helping FIL. That would be subjecting her to even more guilt

As for Cook vouchers..... nice thought - but her inlaws and even her DH were not considerate at all when she was finding it tough caring for her own sick parents.

You reap what you sow. Karma gets you in the end!

Your husband should be able to take up to 5 days as carers leave

I'm a bit puzzled as to what actual help he needs anyway.

Presumably the MIL does the cooking and cleaning already? The FIL doesn't sound like a man who would put himself out to do housework.

There surely has to be a happy medium here, no you don’t need to be throwing yourself into his care, but surely a little show of kindness towards him wouldn’t do any harm and would be nice for your mother in law.
I just down get all this anger that so many PP seem to nurture, anger is like acid it eats away at you and does no one any good.

.......surely a little show of kindness towards him wouldn’t do any harm

You reap what you sow.
He wasn't kind to the OP or her parents.

Stuff and rot about 'tit for tat'. This is a case of 'you reap what you sow'.

Women are not default carers. We are not support robots. We are not commodities for male needs. We are not less than human.

How predictable that the 'what about the men?' MRA types and their handmaidens - and I make no apologies for the use of this term - should descend on every thread where a woman tries to assert even the most minor of boundaries. And it's every single thread. Without fail.

You (addressed to the collective) are eager to nominate women for the unenviable duty of being 'nice', and to put them forward as candidates for Better Personhood. How quick are you to take your own advice? Very easy to offer gentle, patronising admonitions to 'be kind' when this isn't expected from you personally.

You're not 'being kind'. You're being sanctimonious and overbearing. You can take your 'better personhood', and you know exactly where you can shove it.

You're welcome.

Anger? No. It's the DH in this particular story who is reportedly angry. OP merely said 'no'. It's called having healthy self-respect and eminently reasonable boundaries.

Funny, isn't it, how people really hate to hear that word coming from a woman. They accuse them of anger, of selfishness, sometimes of bullying. The universe forbid a woman utters 'no' and the men/other women wanting to put her straight back into her box actually hear it and comprehend its meaning. Too often they hear anything but the word she's actually spoken.

'No' is the word. NO.

Yes I agree with a lot of the posters saying "you reap what you sew in life".

To the posters advising I should help FIL.

Just imagine if one of your loved ones was diagnosed with cancer and due to a pandemic and a national lockdown your unable to see them or help them.

And the in laws that your helping shout at you, make you cry and call you lazy for no reason than being frustrated with being in lockdown.

And not once do you ever get a thank you or any kind of appreciation.

I dont think many people would want to help a person who did this to them.

And being the bigger person and to keep the peace I still continued helping them until this year actually.

My husband didnt want a full on war between me and his parents but again I was pushed to far with the abusive and nasty comments so I stopped helping them in May of this year.

And just to be clear I have never expected anything but respect and a simple thank you something these people have never done/showed.

Plus they are not my parents and they have their own children who should be helping them, my time goes to my own family who show me nothing but kindness and respect.

Usual talk is no sex, exercise, lifting or straining for 4 weeks after surgery.
No lifting anything heavier than 2-3 kg.
It sounds like FIL wants to be cared for.
Tell DH he can assist by taking parents shopping and taking out bins / mowing lawns.
If DH doesn’t have time then maybe he and his siblings can pay for assistance in the short term.

Don't be so utterly ridiculous and sanctimonious. What should the OP feel guilty about? Why should she 'turn the other cheek' and allow this rude and unpleasant man to get away with his behaviour? Is it because the poor soul's been confined to bed for 4 weeks (yes, well, if you believe the '4 weeks' you'll truly believe anything). I'd take a bet that you would be the last person to follow your own advice - sanctimonious people are usually the last people to martyr themselves on behalf of others, they just enjoy telling others to do so.

Re. Your last post OP, you are absolutely right, I really hope you don’t give in to pressure and stick to your guns, it sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to do your best and you’ve learned the hard way where your priorities lie. Well done !

I thought that too. Yes some adult children can be selfish when the time comes that parents need extra help, but the vast majority of people who had a passably loving family try to do what they can. OP says the siblings don't care and other posters have criticised them for not helping, but maybe it's because they have gone low contact due to how their parents have treated them.

OP, what was your DH's childhood like and what sort of parents were they? Perhaps he's trapped in feeling the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and trying to fob contact onto you in order to avoid them. Which is obviously not acceptable. Alternatively he's a chip off the old block/golden child.

Either way he needs to deal with his parents, not pass the problem to you. You are right not to get involved or let DH guilt trip you into anything.

OP your last post was explaining (again) why you don't want to do it. You didn't have to, most of us understand perfectly. Don't be swayed or start to question yourself by the few #bekind posters who seem to be as willing to throw you to the lions as your husband.

they've treated you so badly so don't be a doormat, stand your ground and say no, if neccessary get your husband and his siblings & their significant others in one room and tell them this, because it needs to be hammered home ,you deserve love consideration and support but never got any from them when you needed it