To not want to help FIL after surgery?

[fluffyboos]

I dont have the best relationship with my in laws due to their past behaviour towards me.
FIL is especially very sarcastic, offensive and irritating.

FIL has come out of hospital due to surgery on his prostate and will be on bed rest for at least 4 weeks.

My husband wants me to go round with a box of chocolates and a card and offer to help and perhaps try and make peace.

My main issue is that when my own father was diagnosed with prostate cancer at the height of the lockdown, my in laws offered me no support whatsoever.

In fact my FIL even shouted at me calling me lazy for no reason whatsoever, he actually made me cry, all this whilst I couldnt even see my dad whilst he was receiving treatment.

Despite this I still did the bulk of my in laws chores in lockdown and never received a thank you or any appreciation.

I work part time where my husband and his sisters both work full time so they are limited on time.

My MIL has arthritis and will struggle to look after him on her own.

I dont see why I should be expected to help just because I work part time.

In laws are not grateful people and I have told my husband that they cant be nasty and ungrateful but expect help of me.

I have refused to go round and it is causing massive tension in the house.
Surely my husband and his siblings should arrange help between them?

They arent even my parents.

I am all for helping people but not when they have been so disrespectful and nasty towards me.

My husband is now quite upset and not really talking.

Am I being nasty like my husband says?

Modelling good behaviour for a few weeks to OP's father in law wouldn't make OP a skivvy or make her a weak person.

You mean modelling good ‘female’ behaviour, don’t you? Because realistically this is because the op is a woman and her husband shouldn’t be expected for go the extra mile to help his own parents for some unknown reason.

It wouldn’t make her weak, but a skivvy? Absolutely. It won’t stop here, this is the first step to ‘elderly people need care’. It won’t stop after the 4 weeks, this is simply the introduction to the next few years if she doesn’t put her foot down now. It’s not the OPs job to care for these people, it’s her husband’s and any siblings.

@Gerrataere

Well said.

That is exactly what will happen.

I would encourage and support your dh to consider either going part time or condensed hours so he can provide some support in the coming years if he strongly feels that this should be family supporting them.

Maybe FIL has been nasty to the SILs in the past and that’s why they aren’t flocking to his side now.

OP, notice how you’re relationahip with PIL deteriorated once you started to help them out with chores. I wonder if you being willing to do their chores made you, in their eyes, lower status? As everyone has said, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns!

Sounds like the acorn hasnt fallen far from the tree. Your DH is acting in a similar manner to his parents. If you dont like it from the in laws then 1st step is to make it clear you wont take it from DH.

As pps said: tell your DH that you will support him if he wants to support his parents. And I would also be extremely surprised if 4 weeks of bedrest was actually recommended..

In your position I would try to remember the following:

1. not your parents.
2. your help during the lockdown was not appreciated.
3. you received verbal abuse instead of appreciation.
4. it is not your duty to make up for their children´s lack of help.
5. your DH has never offered to help with your parents.
6. you are presumably already very busy with PT work, housework and childcare. You may not work FT but you have a lot of other duties and chores that your DH doesn´t.

I would never ever deliberately put myself in a situation where i will be verbally abused, there is no need for me to do that. Infact its stronger to say no! No I will not accept that behaviour and I will not subject myself to it. That is what I'd call modelling good behaviour: standing up for your own boundaries.

Is this what you would tell a child being bullied? Go model good behaviour and keep trying to be friends with someone who is basically a bully. You absolutely would not!

Absolutely disgusting to read your comment.

It annoys me that some people go through life behaving badly – being rude, selfish, unkind, etc – and yet when they're ill expect others to rally round. And they do rally round! There are so many good, kind, gentle people out there with no support at all. If me, I'd say "f- him...I'm going to help my sweet old neighbour whose wife just died and who has no one."

My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help.

I think the only response to that is "oh dear".

IT IS NOT ‘GOOD BEHAVIOUR’ TO RUN AROUND LIKE A DOORMAT AFTER ABUSIVE MEN.

It's not about tit for tat, it's about the op putting her own oxygen mask on first and looking after her own energy and emotional reserves.
If the op gets a buzz out of the thankless job of 'being the better person' that's fine, but if it's going to be detrimental to her, then don't do it.

It's not tit for tat.

It's just tit for.

fluffyboos simply isn't tatting.

My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help.

They'll get over it and maybe they'll reflect on why that is but most likely they won't. Either way it doesn't deserve your mental energy.

My husband has just got back from visiting them and they are disappointed/ hurt that nobody apart from my husband has offered to help

I’d sympathise with him and tell him how hard it must be for his parents to realise they raised their own children so badly.

I wonder if the husband has said "Well - if you didn't treat @fluffyboos like something that had come in on the sole of your shoe, then she'd be more than happy to help you out."

I'll bet he didn't.

Cancer Research has this to say:

^Your nurses and physiotherapists help you to move around as soon as possible. They check you’re doing your breathing and leg exercises. This helps you recover.
You might be sitting in a chair within 12 hours of your operation. The day after, you’ll be walking around your hospital room.^

If it's robotic surgery he's having, it's even sooner.

I also think it's your DFIL who needs to apologise.

Your DH and his siblings can easily do shopping and breakfast and evening meal and cleaning between them. They just think it will be easier if you do it.

What do they really need help with after his surgery? There will just be the normal chores for her eg laundry and preparing meals. If she is not able to do this then that is a bigger problem. Provision then needs to be made for some home help. You are right not to do it.

I was going to ask this, what help do they actually need ? Is it the case that FIL is the person who does all the cleaning, laundry, meal prep etc ? In which case all of this can be dealt with easily, a cleaner can be hired, ready meals bought and DH can always chuck a couple of loads of washing in for them ? @fluffyboos

Op you need to learn to grey rock your husband's comments about his parents. Just don't engage; respond with bland comments like, 'oh dear, that's tough'. 'Hmmm' 'oh really?' but without sounding too interested or bothered. He WILL try to guilt trip you into serving his undeserving parents. Don't get involved. Google 'grey rock' for more handy phrases.

I wonder how awful these parents are that not one their other children have even gone to visit them despite living nearby? Seems like they all have the measure of their parents.

Could your MiL contact their gp and they can arrange temporary carers / District nurse to help ?

Well done OP for standing your ground . Husbands lack of sensitivity and understanding for anyone else’s point of view seems hereditary .
His parents are takers not givers, OP owes them nothing especially as they showed no support when her dad was I’ll .
Let H get off his bottom and do the caring. Don’t expect a light bulb moment though , he sounds too self absorbed for that

My first thought. They are probably going to need long term help. It's out there but it has to be paid for.
Your husband is doing a great job of guilt tripping you. Don't fall into that trap.

You are 100% right.
They are from the generation that believe you can shit all over people and still get care.

You owe them nothing. He can send a card did he wants. He didn’t help your parents.

Oh and 4 weeks bed rest is bollocks. He’s haming it up and wants the women folk to wait on him hand and foot.
my MIL went into hospital and complained that the wimen folk didn’t rally round and feed and do completely capable FILs food and washing. Cos you know he’s a man

District nurses have far too much to do already, without popping in to see lazy entitled men who just need an additional skivvy for a few weeks.