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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband won't help with kids/housework

114 replies

Littleredpanda23 · 01/11/2023 16:27

My partner works full time (9am -6/7pm) and I work 3 days a week (8.30am - 5.30pm). He works in an office and I work from home.
We have two kids aged 3 and 10. Both are ASD.
I am also responsible for all of the cleaning/tidying/clothes washing in the house, all of the childcare, taking kids to classes, making dinners for kids, getting up with them in the mornings and also through the night when the youngest wakes for toilets, etc. I also pay half of all the main bills in the house but cover all the kids classes, clothes, food, nursery fees, any extras myself. He doesn't help with those.
I have told him im starting to struggle with the load (well, I've been struggling a long time tbh) and have asked him to help a bit more ie: get up through the night sometimes, get up at the same time as me in the morning to help get kids ready, share the cleaning so I'm not spending all my free time cleaning and catching up with washing, etc. He's absolutely refused to do any of this. He thinks because he works 5 days a week and longer hours that he shouldn't have to do any of that, I should because im part time. I'm honestly so fed up and depressed. All I do is work and clean and cook. He earns at least double my salary but I am still responsible for most of the household payments. When I ask for help with money he will usually do that....but then say all I care about is money (!!!), keep telling me how much he's given me, etc. Am I wrong for feeling that he should help out more, despite him working full time? He goes to work, comes home and cooks his own dinner, stays up late, watching TV and then gets up the next morning with just enough time to get himself ready...and says he's no time to help me with the kids in the morning.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 01/11/2023 16:31

Quit working at all as you've got a full time job at home doing housework and looking after the children.

He can then carry the entire financial burden and you will be less exhausted.

aswarmofmidges · 01/11/2023 16:33

Point out you should both have the same amount of sleep time , downtime and hobby time

Cut everything that supports him if you can - no cooking shopping or washing - it might not save much time but every little helps

Devilsmommy · 01/11/2023 16:33

Completely agree with @BMW6 . Though he sounds like a first class twat imo. Sorry you're saddled with him

Beezknees · 01/11/2023 16:33

I work full time and do everything else as I am a lone parent. Tell him he is a lazy arse and if I can manage then he certainly can!

GCAcademic · 01/11/2023 16:34

Reduce your payments towards the household. If he earns double what you do and works two days extra, his payments should be proportionally more than yours.

Failing that, leave him. You'd be better off single.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 01/11/2023 16:34

1st comment nailed it

GCAcademic · 01/11/2023 16:36

Funny how these men expect their partners to pay half of all the household costs but to do all of the domestic work.

Littleredpanda23 · 01/11/2023 16:37

@BMW6 I have suggested that a few times as he does actually earn enough that we could live comfortably on his wage but that's when he claims that all im interested in is money. He already calls me lazy because I only work part time and really doesn't seem to grasp that working from home is still working. He thinks I spend my days drinking coffee and napping when in reality I have a very demanding job (which I do actually enjoy) and demanding boss so I'm constantly busy.

OP posts:
Nochoiceleft · 01/11/2023 16:39

It seems to me that if you split it wouldn’t actually cause you any extra work. Worth thinking about.

Perfect28 · 01/11/2023 16:40

Didn't even read your post because the first thing that needs to change is you calling him doing his fair and equal share 'help'.

Perfect28 · 01/11/2023 16:41

And the financial side of this is abusive. If he refuses to change them you have to leave.

androidnotapple · 01/11/2023 16:41

Partner? not husband?

you need to stop downsizing your career for this man who could walk away any day........

rainbowstardrops · 01/11/2023 16:41

So if you weren't together, what exactly would be different?

Mopbucketmoo · 01/11/2023 16:42

If this situation was your daughter in a few years, what would your advice be to her?

ilovesooty · 01/11/2023 16:42

He shouldn't be "helping". He should be stepping up and contributing to the parenting and the running of the house in which you both live and raise a family. And he isn't doing so.

Perfect28 · 01/11/2023 16:43

Quitting work is not the solution here at all, that simply makes you even more vulnerable. Why doesn't he pay half the childcare fees, as an example?

comfyslippets · 01/11/2023 16:43

Left my husband because of this exact reason and never been happier. I will never be someone's maid/servant ever again

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/11/2023 16:43

What a twat. Why are you with him? He treats you like a servant and is financially abusive. Imagine how much less stress you'd have without him?

spitefulandbadgrammar · 01/11/2023 16:44

He’s a cunt.

paintingvenice · 01/11/2023 16:44

Go full time, employ a cleaner and some home help and ditch him.

Duckingella · 01/11/2023 16:48

You pay half of the bills and cover everything for the kids?

Up your hours to an extra day;put in a claim for CMS for a percentage of his big important man salary and put in a claim for universal credit to help with the bills.

You'll have one less person to clean up after and if he takes the kids for a day at the weekend for contact you'll get a break.

Your not married so don't have the stress of a divorce either.

Phineyj · 01/11/2023 16:48

We have a somewhat similar set up re work and split the bills 1:2 in proportion to our earnings. Your DH must have lots more to spend on himself each month than you? How is that fair?!

Have you laid it out in black and white e.g. 50% of bills plus the kids' costs means you're paying x% of your take home on family costs while he's paying y%?

The time thing is hard to solve with a selfish arse who believes women are there to serve. But it would be interesting to know why he thinks you should put in more £s proportionally as well. These are his kids!!

Worryingly, you are reducing your pension too and will he share his?

thebabessavedme · 01/11/2023 16:55

Can i ask what you find attractive about this man? I suppose he also expects sex with you as well as being his cook/housekeeper and nanny?

do yourself a favour and get rid!

Ffsebok · 01/11/2023 16:57

Don't limp on like this, wasting your precious life, upset, resentful and knackered with a man who sees you simply as a domestic appliance. Grasp the situation. Either divorce him for unreasonable behaviour and go it alone or start working full time hours out of the house. You can then very reasonably claim that now you're both doing exactly the same, all childcare and domestic work will be split 50/50. Ps, id bet a large sum of money that he'd still do fuck all because he's quite clearly an arsehole.

Ffsebok · 01/11/2023 16:58

Duckingella · 01/11/2023 16:48

You pay half of the bills and cover everything for the kids?

Up your hours to an extra day;put in a claim for CMS for a percentage of his big important man salary and put in a claim for universal credit to help with the bills.

You'll have one less person to clean up after and if he takes the kids for a day at the weekend for contact you'll get a break.

Your not married so don't have the stress of a divorce either.

It literally says in the title husband. She is married.