Husband won't help with kids/housework

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner works full time (9am -6/7pm) and I work 3 days a week (8.30am - 5.30pm). He works in an office and I work from home.
We have two kids aged 3 and 10. Both are ASD.
I am also responsible for all of the cleaning/tidying/clothes washing in the house, all of the childcare, taking kids to classes, making dinners for kids, getting up with them in the mornings and also through the night when the youngest wakes for toilets, etc. I also pay half of all the main bills in the house but cover all the kids classes, clothes, food, nursery fees, any extras myself. He doesn't help with those.
I have told him im starting to struggle with the load (well, I've been struggling a long time tbh) and have asked him to help a bit more ie: get up through the night sometimes, get up at the same time as me in the morning to help get kids ready, share the cleaning so I'm not spending all my free time cleaning and catching up with washing, etc. He's absolutely refused to do any of this. He thinks because he works 5 days a week and longer hours that he shouldn't have to do any of that, I should because im part time. I'm honestly so fed up and depressed. All I do is work and clean and cook. He earns at least double my salary but I am still responsible for most of the household payments. When I ask for help with money he will usually do that....but then say all I care about is money (!!!), keep telling me how much he's given me, etc. Am I wrong for feeling that he should help out more, despite him working full time? He goes to work, comes home and cooks his own dinner, stays up late, watching TV and then gets up the next morning with just enough time to get himself ready...and says he's no time to help me with the kids in the morning.

I'd go full time and make plans to leave him. It sounds like he doesn't bring anything positive to the marriage at all and also doesn't sound like a good father.

Do not quit your job. What a foolish suggestion. You’d become his full time servant and lose the little independence you have.

He won’t change. Men like this do not change. The dynamic of your relationship is set.

Leave, he won’t change. Don’t waste any more of your life with this prick.

You would probably be financially and practically better off if you divorced him. At least explore the practicalities.

This guy is a selfish arsehole. You would be much better off without him.

He sounds awful. He’s being financially abusive.

Immediately drop your contribution to bills to 30% but you must know you need to leave him. Go full time and hire in help in the meantime but start thinking long term. Cut way back on anything you are doing in the house.

Snap. It’s easier to keep my home clean and tidy, I’m financially better off, our children aren’t growing up in a household where their father treats their mother with daily disrespect, so they shouldn’t repeat the dynamic when they’re older.

It was so hard to end the relationship but I knew I had to, and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I will never be a man’s servant and financial crutch again.

OP, with you paying for so many things he should be, he’s also being financially abusive.

@Littleredpanda23
Thank god you're married

You'll get half on the divorce.

But I'm going to ask that question that always gets shouted down - has he changed?

If not, what did you expect?

But get out. He won't change.

I’m not holding myself out as some sort of hero (!) but just to compare, I work a 5 day week and my wife works part time just less than 4 days. I earn about 4 times her salary (anything between 150-180k).

Usual stuff I do in the house includes pretty much all washing up, kitchen cleaning, dishwasher sorting (wife cooks and has mental load of meal planning). I keep the bathrooms clean (clean toilets etc, not all that fun with a son who seems to pee everywhere!). Regular hoovering, dusting, polishing, hanging out washing, folding it and putting it away (not just me, we tend to share these jobs). Get kids breakfasts sorted and take them to school. Regular pick ups, and for things like kids illnesses we would share the time off. Various bits of life admin and DIY fall to me, but lots of other stuff would be done by my wife. That’s just off the top of head, and the split seems to work ok for us as I think we’re both happy.

I don’t think there is anything unreasonable about doing that stuff on top of a full time job, so this guy just sounds very lazy!

He earns at least double my salary but I am still responsible for most of the household payments. When I ask for help with money he will usually do that....but then say all I care about is money (!!!), keep telling me how much he's given me, etc

Sorry, but why the fuck are you paying all nursery fees??

What a miserable way to live - it's absolutely not right or fair. You'd be so much better off without him!

What do you get out of this relationship?

It's easy to see what he gets:

You pay more than half the bills (kids classes, clothes, food, nursery fees, any extras) these are joint responsibilities

You are the parent, the housekeeper, the cleaner, the cook

And he gets to belittle you and call you lazy.

He's gets all these things out of you and you pay for most of it too.

So what do you get OP?

Go full time. Kick him out. Have a happier life.

You are already doing all the home work, I don't really see what positive contribution he's making.

You should have equal free time and equal spare money. This is so far from that that it is ridiculous. What do you think he would say if you proposed that? I think that will tell you how he sees you pretty quickly.

Wow! I think you need to patio the bastard

Assuming you want to stay with him, only shop, cook, clean and do laundry for you and the dc, he will soon cop on when he cant find any clean pants and there is no food for him in the fridge. If he complains just say you didnt have time with all the other stuff you have to do. The money is trickier but it is incredibly unfair as it stands. Can you stop paying half of all the main bills, and just pay for the food, classes etc, that seems much fairer to me. If you keep struggling he absolutely won't change, no matter how frazzled you get.

Leave him. He's a moron.

This.

If you Moved to full time would he agree to do his share? If not then you are better of going full time and leaving him.

I’m making assumptions but the op probably can’t work full time due to having two autistic children. It often torpedoes things that other families take for granted such as being able to put them in after school clubs or childcare whilst the parents work(though I appreciate these things come at a cost to typical families!).

It’s true there’s little to salvage here though. He brings little of value to a family setup beyond half the bills. You’re already most of the way to single parent, might as well take that last (freeing) leap.

You're paying more towards the household than him, surely he should be doing more household tasks than you? Where does his money go? Why is he refusing to pay or help towards the DC, does he think someone else is the father?

But yes I'd leave him, he's not benefitting you or your DC is any way.

Your first mistake is referencing him ‘helping’. Parents don’t help. They parent. He’s being awful.

Definitely a LTB

He is useless and a taker. .It him that’s all about the money not you .

Movw yourself to a separate room abs make plans to leave . You will be better if I’m every way .

I’m so sorry. This is just awful. I don’t know where to start because his logic is so so off the mark that I have a strong suspicion it’s fall on deaf ears for him. You really don’t deserve this :( xx