Husband won't help with kids/housework

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner works full time (9am -6/7pm) and I work 3 days a week (8.30am - 5.30pm). He works in an office and I work from home.
We have two kids aged 3 and 10. Both are ASD.
I am also responsible for all of the cleaning/tidying/clothes washing in the house, all of the childcare, taking kids to classes, making dinners for kids, getting up with them in the mornings and also through the night when the youngest wakes for toilets, etc. I also pay half of all the main bills in the house but cover all the kids classes, clothes, food, nursery fees, any extras myself. He doesn't help with those.
I have told him im starting to struggle with the load (well, I've been struggling a long time tbh) and have asked him to help a bit more ie: get up through the night sometimes, get up at the same time as me in the morning to help get kids ready, share the cleaning so I'm not spending all my free time cleaning and catching up with washing, etc. He's absolutely refused to do any of this. He thinks because he works 5 days a week and longer hours that he shouldn't have to do any of that, I should because im part time. I'm honestly so fed up and depressed. All I do is work and clean and cook. He earns at least double my salary but I am still responsible for most of the household payments. When I ask for help with money he will usually do that....but then say all I care about is money (!!!), keep telling me how much he's given me, etc. Am I wrong for feeling that he should help out more, despite him working full time? He goes to work, comes home and cooks his own dinner, stays up late, watching TV and then gets up the next morning with just enough time to get himself ready...and says he's no time to help me with the kids in the morning.

What is the actual point of him?! It would be fair if they weren’t actually his kids 🙄

I find it shocking that he expects you to pay for everything as well as doing everything. What is he actually adding to yours or the kids lives?

LTB

This was a painful read OP - he is absolutely abusing your good nature and taking you for a ride. This is not a man who cares about you, just himself. I never rush to LTB, but if nothing is going to change, you absolutely must leave him! If I were in your position I would suggest to him that you would like to go back to work 5 days a week in the New Year, so you both need to start planning how you are going to divide the childcare/housework/mental load 50% each. Plus make a list of all the family outgoings, your incomes and then make a suggestion for a fair percentage split on paying for everything. Watch and listen very carefully to his reaction to these suggestions. How he responds will tell you everything you need to know.

He's taking the piss.

You are supporting a cocklodger.

You're working but you'll never have anything to show for it.
You're parenting and keeping the house ticking over while laughs all the way to the bank.

He's showing his contempt for you and measuring his contribution to the family in terms of money. Ypure facilitating his career by doing all the wifework and all the parenting. He thinks you're a mug. He may be right. You are paying for the privilege of living with a first class, cunning, selfish twat.

If you have a spare bedroom, move into it.

Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking for him. Stop doing admin for him.

Tell him he's going to have to get his act together for when he has 50-50 custody if the children after you divorce. Or he will end up paying for all the services you currently provide - all the bills for his future home for starters, and on top of that, clothes and food and activities for the children every other week, childcare and transport services for the children, and he'll be on night duty too, and he'll be getting everyone up and dressed and fed and lunches packed and bringing the children to school on his weeks. It won't be easy for him to find qualified and enthusiastic care for two children with ASD. It will cost him afr more than he's currently getting away with.

Maybe add up what his costs would be and put it to him that his current level of contribution, in terms of parenting, partnering, and finances, makes it very likely that your relationship has a short term expiry date.

I don’t understand the he pays for this and you pay for that thinking? He is your Husband right?

Your money should all go into one joint account, all outgoings come from that.

Is your husband aware that you are not a household appliance?

Make him see just how much it is costing you:
Give him a bill for half the childcare, half of their extras, plus fuel for transport, and every time you spend anything over family allowance on their clothes or shoes etc, then give him a bill for half. Bill him for after school care for the 2 days.
You say he cooks his own meals - why is he not cooking for all of you? If he cooks separately for no good reason, submit him a bill for the wasted power c £450 pa before tax.
Make him see how much you are saving him in time effort and money by working part-time - list all the shopping, cooking ,cleaning, childcare, budgeting, that you get done because you work part-time.
On one of the days you work, roust him out of bed early and tell him to make their breakfast, pack-ups, get them ready for school etc Tell the children that daddy is making their breakfast, taking them to school. Tell HIM that one out of 3 is his share

OP, I’m so sorry to hear this 💐 He is basically financially and emotionally abusive and lazy. The comments telling you that all you care about us money is to manipulate you into asking him less for money (which is working as you earn way less but pay way more than him). Him making out that you have more time to all the chores as you work 3 days a week and only work from home is just an excuse that he’s using to sit on his fat, lazy arse!
These types of men talk absolute rubbish. Everything that comes out of their mouth is designed to manipulate so that they can continue doing whatever they want to do. Unfortunately, your kids will pick up on it and it will affect them (speaking from experience). I don’t know whether he even cares about his kids but if he thinks that his kids won’t notice, he’s delusional.

What does he spend all his money on?

he could pay for a cleaner to come then that would lighten the load on you

he could also pay for a nanny one day a week so you get some time off

what does he do at the weekends?

Jesus! Don’t do this! Why on earth would you make yourself more financially dependent on a man who hates you?

He hates you OP. He holds you in absolute contempt.

He knows he can treat you like this and he has absolute scorn for you for putting up with it.

He’s a really nasty piece of work and an arch misogynist.

This original post is 5 months old. Why is it being resurrected?

Agreed. My dss's fiance doesn't do his laundry and he works full time, doesn't complain about it so yes don't do anything to benefit your dh