Husband won't help with kids/housework

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner works full time (9am -6/7pm) and I work 3 days a week (8.30am - 5.30pm). He works in an office and I work from home.
We have two kids aged 3 and 10. Both are ASD.
I am also responsible for all of the cleaning/tidying/clothes washing in the house, all of the childcare, taking kids to classes, making dinners for kids, getting up with them in the mornings and also through the night when the youngest wakes for toilets, etc. I also pay half of all the main bills in the house but cover all the kids classes, clothes, food, nursery fees, any extras myself. He doesn't help with those.
I have told him im starting to struggle with the load (well, I've been struggling a long time tbh) and have asked him to help a bit more ie: get up through the night sometimes, get up at the same time as me in the morning to help get kids ready, share the cleaning so I'm not spending all my free time cleaning and catching up with washing, etc. He's absolutely refused to do any of this. He thinks because he works 5 days a week and longer hours that he shouldn't have to do any of that, I should because im part time. I'm honestly so fed up and depressed. All I do is work and clean and cook. He earns at least double my salary but I am still responsible for most of the household payments. When I ask for help with money he will usually do that....but then say all I care about is money (!!!), keep telling me how much he's given me, etc. Am I wrong for feeling that he should help out more, despite him working full time? He goes to work, comes home and cooks his own dinner, stays up late, watching TV and then gets up the next morning with just enough time to get himself ready...and says he's no time to help me with the kids in the morning.

He's awful OP. Why are you doing all the housework, childcare and paying the majority of the bills on a lower wage? 100% of childcare fees, expenses and actives + 50% of the rest of the household expenses. He sounds like he's a lazy, greedy c u next Tuesday!

Might be worth checking of you'd be better off single. It doesn't sound like a very happy marriage.

If you were single, would you qualify for universal credit on your wage? You might be able to claim back some nursery fees. Also check if children could claim dla if they are on the spectrum.

You can check how much child maintenance you would receive online too. You already do all the childcare and housework so nothing would change there. Except you might get a day or 2 break to yourself when it's his turn to parent.

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

Could you visit a family solicitor to at least check out your options if you were to split?

This man doesn't value you. He calls you lazy and doesn't appreciate you.

Seriously think about leaving him.

If that's too extreme for you, just stop supporting him. Dont wash his clothes and dont tidy up as much.

But theres no way I could stay with a man who treats me the way he treats you.

Fgs don't give up work. That's crazy advice when you're not married.

1. go full time at work so you’ve a stable income when you leave him
2. divvy up pick ups and drop offs. Tell him what days are his.
3. stop doing his washing
4. stop cooking for him
5. stop being a doormat (meant kindly)

She is married. It says husband in the title.

As someone else pointed out, it's crazy for you to pay 50% of household bills and 100% of childcare/activities.

If he thinks it's fair he does much less because you work less, then you need to tell him he will be paying more because he works more.

At least put your foot down about this and have him pay 50% costs

Seriously, do not give up a job you enjoy when your husband is already financially abusive. That would be crazy.

I don't see how there's can be a future when he's financially and emotionally abusive. You really need to look at your options to split.

Any advice depends totally on whether he is your partner or your husband.

You use both terms, so you need to clarify if you are legally married.

Agree that you should go full time, split bills and all childcare/ home responsibilities equally.

It says husband in the title.

I would suggest paying all bills proportionally based on your pay. That is the only fair way IMO. And include hiring a cleaner within those bills. Also a good way to draw attention to who's bearing the load is to look at each of your outgoings. Likely he is spending loads on coffees, lunches and gadgets while you scrimp and save. If he doesn't like the sound of this, maybe inform that he will have an unhappy and bitter wife who eventually will break, and his cushy existence will become much more challenging.

Go away for a week next time he books leave, just get up and go.

Do not become financially dependent, whatever you do!

Counseling or divorce.

Think about what effect this modeling is having on your children.

Leave him.

Yeah, this.

He's a cunt.

Then in the other posts it says "partner". Some people do use "husband" even if not actually married. Worth checking, I think, in order to give correct advice, if, say, the OP was considering separating. Of course she might just be having a rant, which is fair enough.

What on Earth is going on here? Why would you be paying 50% - let alone the majority of the expenses- when you only work part time? And because you are part time you’re having to pick up another more than full time job - all the housework, caring for kids with SEN etc ?

If you have to pay more than half of the costs he should be doing more than half of the kids and house stuff.

You ought to have a principle of equal free time and equal sleep though.

You need to leave him Op. doesn’t sound like he’ll change and you’ll be better off.

Couples counselling with men like this is always a bad idea. Individual counselling with a counsellor well versed in all things domestic abuse would however be well worth it.

Parenting his own children is not "helping" its parenting. And why on earth is he not paying for nursery for his own child or the extras needed by the children?

Give him a choice - he either starts doing his share around the house and family or he pays for someone to cover off some of the housework such as cleaning and laundry.

If he wants to keep "his" money separate instead of pooling resources as per his marriage contract then he needs to contribute according to his income.

He sounds like a common or garden user frankly - he knows WFH is working, he knows the challenges of DC with SEN, he is exploiting you and the fact that after more than ten years together he still regards "his" money as "his" its evidence of that.

He's making himself rather irrelevant in your lives, isn't he?

What does he do with "his" money if you're paying for most things? If he's saving it, great, that's money you'll be able to access in the inevitable divorce when you've had enough of him.

Definitely don't quit, I'd look at upping your days instead.

Wait, what? You pay half of all bills on top of paying everything for the dc's when he works full time and you only part time? Plus you do absolutely everything for the dc's/household?

Erm...why aren't you very, very angry? Lay out exactly what needs to change (ie. A lot!) and tell him you'll be divorcing him if things don't change.

At the very least he should be paying 70% of the bills and I would say doing 30% of the housework. Or as another poster said, you should be giving up your job. (Actually no, don't do that as you'll be needing that job if you decide to leAve the selfish, lazy arse.)

Nursery fees, childrens clothes, childrens activities, extra school stuff are as much a household expense as the gas bill. So should be shared, but if you are not earning equal salaries then you should be putting all earned money in a joint account to which you both have access and which is used for bills, have another account which puts some into savings and each having some personal money, amount to be decided. He is a lazy arsed tight fisted non parent. He needs to pick up on his responsibilities , by parenting, maintaining a clean home, sharing down time.

Do yourself a favour and divorce this misogynistic twat.