Husband won't help with kids/housework

[Littleredpanda23]

My partner works full time (9am -6/7pm) and I work 3 days a week (8.30am - 5.30pm). He works in an office and I work from home.
We have two kids aged 3 and 10. Both are ASD.
I am also responsible for all of the cleaning/tidying/clothes washing in the house, all of the childcare, taking kids to classes, making dinners for kids, getting up with them in the mornings and also through the night when the youngest wakes for toilets, etc. I also pay half of all the main bills in the house but cover all the kids classes, clothes, food, nursery fees, any extras myself. He doesn't help with those.
I have told him im starting to struggle with the load (well, I've been struggling a long time tbh) and have asked him to help a bit more ie: get up through the night sometimes, get up at the same time as me in the morning to help get kids ready, share the cleaning so I'm not spending all my free time cleaning and catching up with washing, etc. He's absolutely refused to do any of this. He thinks because he works 5 days a week and longer hours that he shouldn't have to do any of that, I should because im part time. I'm honestly so fed up and depressed. All I do is work and clean and cook. He earns at least double my salary but I am still responsible for most of the household payments. When I ask for help with money he will usually do that....but then say all I care about is money (!!!), keep telling me how much he's given me, etc. Am I wrong for feeling that he should help out more, despite him working full time? He goes to work, comes home and cooks his own dinner, stays up late, watching TV and then gets up the next morning with just enough time to get himself ready...and says he's no time to help me with the kids in the morning.

He repeats the thing about "only wanting his money" because he wants to embarrass you out of having things be fair, and it's been working. Don't. This is no way to have a partnership. Write out your expenses and everything you do day in and out and ask him if that looks like you're not working and simply going for the good life. Or feel free to bring it up with friends and family members at get-togethers in great detail, lightly and laughing so he looks like the giant baby he is: Let HIM feel shame for once, except it'll be deserved on his part.

I'm 100% for good, open communication, but it sounds like he's chosen manipulation over that already. If he's playing dirty, make him realize that that has a cost. If you get out of work/fair financials, then you don't get to enjoy not having it questioned, judged, and highlighted.

Ask him if he really wants to divorce over this? Because that is where he’s heading.

Go on strike. Don’t do anything for him.

And no sex with him, until he sees sense.

He’s an arse.

Point out to him if he continues, he’ll be doing EVERYTHING in his own house. And he’ll be having the kids 50/50 too.

But really it’s not about housework is it.

Tell him you’re going back to work full time so it’ll be 50/50 for everything from now on.

Or better, leave him.

You're way way off here. He's a tosspot. Look at the objective facts. You do shitloads more than him.

Agree with previous posters. Go full time and show this prince among men the door. Separated his time with the kids will give you a break and you'll feel much less resentful

He needs to pay half all the household bills you're currently covering. Why does he think he doesn't?

If anyone's a money grabber it's him. He's taking the piss.

You lost me at the concept of 'help'. Running a household & bringing up children is not solely your responsibility so where does the idea of 'helping' you even come from? Its a shared responsibility. Leave him.

There his children as well as yours, so HE needs to help with the upbringing of them
which means doing his fair share

if you are paying for what you say you are
what does he pay for ? 50% bills & mortgage ?

presume you don’t want to split, then things have to change
He pays for cleaner & ironing - you haven’t time with bringing up your children single handed
He gives you 50% of childcare cost- there his children too

just exactly what portion of his salary does he get to himself ?

When he goes on about "only wanting my money", tell him actually it's the reverse.... he's effectively stealing from you atm.

First, because you're paying for more than he is in terms of joint expenses.

Second, because your unpaid labour has a value. And at the moment he's exploiting it without compensating you for it.

I have one of these . He helps only when asked
he never thinks to check the laundry basket if it’s full ! Or check the hair on the stairs that needs vacuuming ! And walks over items on the floor without picking them up.

I’m exhausted doing the mental labour of dividing tasks

When you are home and he’s at work then it’s 100% your responsibility.

When you’re both at home, then it’s 50/50.

I personally wouldn’t ask him to wake up early on my 2 days off and I would do more than him on the evenings he’s working.

But he should still be pulling his weight a lot more.
You are not the paid help.

They are his kids too.

I agree but mine says “ it was your choice to have kids “ “ you wanted kids “

“you cooked you deal with the mess I didn’t ask you to cook”

I'd leave. I was a SAHM for years and got far more help than you.

Just remind him if you're forced to split, he will be solely responsible for his two DC and all that entails 24/7 half of every week. That might focus his mind!

You deserve to be respected and valued. He is incapable of doing that. A life with him is likely to be a life of thankless servitude and you deserve better than that.

Oh for gods sake. I'm so fucking fed up on behalf of women of these daily posts from marvellous women and mothers who run themselves ragged doing everything and who for some unfathomable reason are putting up with absolutely selfish abusive cunts of men.

Leave him. He is an arsehole. He is no use to you. He is no use to your kids. He doesn't deserve any of you.

This. The fact you pay everything for the kids is a total joke and the definition of financial abuse. Don't let this man gaslight you anymore.

He thinks you were put on this earth to be his support human.

I'm going to say this as a lone parent...go back to work full time, if he then doesn't step up to 50/50 it's divorce.

I can tell you my life is so much easier.

Sounds like you need to get rid of the parasite, claim CM and up your hours OP.

In the meantime you pay in proportion to your income from now on, who cares if he says you're just interested in money? If he doesn't like it he can leave. He also can look after himself totally to reduce your workload. You need to start saving a pot of coin.

All of this.
You don't need his help. You don't need his money. You are doing and paying more than your share.
You just need him to do and pay his share or fuck the fuck off.

You're being abused.

Divorce him

Tell him he has to go to 3 days per week. He can't pull the working more hours card if you are paying more than 50%. What benefit yo his 5 days is there to you?

Regardless of the actual massive unfairness of both the division of labour and financial contribution - knowing that he can possibly think that’s okay and care so little about you would be enough for me to end it.

I’m not usually a LTB poster but I found your post quite upsetting to read.

I really hope you manage to sort things one way or the other. x