Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m not lazy or taking the “easy way out” for having a c section!

137 replies

Younghearts · 01/11/2023 12:41

I’m sure she didn’t mean too, but friend upset me earlier by her throw away comment. I had a c section 8 months ago, a couple of days into my induction because babies heart rate sky rocketed and I got extremely anxious and asked for an elective. It was a hard recovery but I do not regret it and loved my experience. I could have maybe continued with the vaginal route - but the nurses were constantly putting me on drips and monitors and I’d had enough and no sleep.

Anyway, having a light hearted convo with a friend and told her I’d probably have an elective c section if I was to have another DC and she said “Oh no you’re missing out, don’t take the easy way out and be lazy! It’s amazing pushing”

I said “I don’t feel like I’m missing out I had a great c section experience” and left it as that.

It’s been a couple of days and the comment is sitting there in my mind. Shall I say something or let it go?

OP posts:
Betty407 · 01/11/2023 13:46

The hardest part for me about becoming a mother has has nothing to do with my children and everything to do with other people's judgement. I have no idea what it is but once you become pregnant people seem to think its a free for all to make comments on your body and your choices, and your parenting.

It is absolute madness. People should keep their opinions to themselves!

Torganer · 01/11/2023 13:47

I had a section and it was the most amazing experience. I was very lucky and had a quick recovery, discharged in under 20hrs and had no problems lifting or walking (was pushing the baby round the park on day 3). I would definitely choose the same option again.

I had more pain having my appendix out. Appreciate it’s not the same for everyone. I just don’t know why people insist on negatively commenting on women’s birth or feeding choices. They don’t do this for any other medical procedure.

AngeloMysterioso · 01/11/2023 13:55

Anyone who characterises major abdominal surgery where they literally slice and tear through layers of flesh, before sewing you back up again and handing you a newborn, as taking the “easy way out” is an eejit.

Mariposista · 01/11/2023 13:56

These comments have been made by ignorant people since the dawn of time. You know, and anyone sensible knows, that they are not founded. Any birth is difficult and the best decisions are made Bla Bla Bla. What is the point in wasting time getting 'upset' and oversensitive about it. Just roll your eyes and change the subject.

Sparklesocks · 01/11/2023 13:57

I had an elective. I had GD and there were some concerns with DD’s size (too small) and about my placenta, so I decided I wanted to take away some of the uncertainty of the birth by having an elective. It wasn’t something I went into lightly, but I’m glad I did it - I had a great experience and the team were amazing. And DD was fine, bar some issues with her sugars which were resolved.

One of my relatives said I was ‘posh’ for it. I rolled my eyes and brushed it off. I had enough to worry about with a newborn anyway!

you’re always going to get people who make silly comments unfortunately, but I think most people understand there is no ‘easy’ way to have a baby - as many mothers will tell you.

Younghearts · 01/11/2023 13:59

@BeingATwatItsABingThing My recovery was actually quite a bit of a blur as baby was in SBCU for a couple of weeks so I had no choice but to be up walking around visiting him multiple times a day in and out the car walking around the hospital. No rest for me and they didn’t have any beds for me to stay at the hospital so we had to leave him there every night! xx

OP posts:
MorningHood · 01/11/2023 14:00

Some people are simply tedious and cuntish and think their way is the best way.

Some people like to shame women any which way possible. Internet loses misogyny exists and is especially prevalent around any topics relating to motherhood.

Your friend is ‘some people’..

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 01/11/2023 14:00

Saveusernameforonce · 01/11/2023 13:44

That's interesting, and a very well argued point. I also posted the born is best comment, not expecting several more posts between the two. The 'putative' comment was meant as a come back to the friend, really. I followed it up with an explanation of my experiences.

I agree that informed is best, and no doubt things have changed a great deal since I gave birth. However having to be armed with all the information, and being expected to make all the choices, is a big ask I think. I've dealt with similar with other medical issues recently. The medics, one would hope and trust, are the experts on these things. So very well worth being guided by them.

Yes and no really. Being guided by medical evidence is a good idea of course; but individual medics are just people, and I'm sorry to say that in the field of maternal care there is a lot of traditionalism, a lack of staying up to date with current evidence, a risk aversion that fails to account for the specificities of the individual woman/pregnancy, and culture plays a huge (unwonted) part in the advice you receive and the treatment you get.

Just trustingly doing as you're told is a bad shout in my view because a lot of the time you are seen as "expectant mother #444456, seen one you've seen them all", and if you do not make it very clear you are informed and ready to advocate for yourself a lot of staff will gently bully you into thinking you don't have a say or a right to one in terms of what happens to you during pregnancy, labour or birth.

With the best intentions of course - they don't want anything bad to happen to you or your baby.

But 'bad', to them, means something that will show up on an incident report. Not birth trauma, not PND, not failure to bond, not breastfeeding failure, not a whole bunch of other things that can wreck your life and your experience of parenthood because you weren't listened to and treated as an individual having an individual experience that falls into, but doesn't necessarily follow, the population-level statistics.

For evidence of this you only have to look at the variation in rates of c-section from country to country, and from trust to trust. The section rate in Cyprus is not nearly 60% (outnumbering vaginal births) because women in Cyprus are built different to women in the Nordic countries, where rates are below 20%; there will be culture and politics and pressures at play that have made this the case, and you can be pretty damn sure that not every woman in that 60% needed it, and of the ones who had it but didn't need it that they all wanted it. Likewise there might be women in the 80% of vaginal births in the Nordic countries who would have preferred and/or benefitted from a section, who were denied it or persuaded out of it because of prevailing culture.

The only person who is all that interested in your specific needs and risks and weighing them up is you; so you need to be very well informed, so that when a midwife or doctor attempts to jam you and your baby and body down the path of least resistance, you are armed to make the case that while this may be the best for the majority of people, it may not be for YOU because of XYZ, and that you would like to discuss the possibility of [other option]. It doesn't make you popular that's for sure; even less popular when you point out something you have been told is actually factually incorrect, which happens more often than give one any kind of confidence.

But I think it's pretty essential to having a non-traumatic experience in which you either feel ignored and like a piece of meat, or abnegate yourself entirely because only the baby matters. No. The mother is the patient. She matters. And it goes without saying in the vast majority of cases, she cares about the baby's wellbeing a damn sight more than even the medical professionals and will not be making choices selfishly.

coolkatt · 01/11/2023 14:05

tell her to shut the fk up that c sections actually save lives and is defo not the easy way out. her ignorance stinks.
as long as the section was right for you that is all that matters. what u do on the future is completely
your choice.

IncompleteSenten · 01/11/2023 14:06

The easy way out?
Is she having a fucking laugh?
My sister had a CS and she was in agony! For weeks. Got an infection, couldn't do anything for ages. The scar tissue still causes her pain at times and her daughter's 25!

I had my 2nd son (vaginally) on the same day a friend had hers by cs. Next morning I was walking down the corridor in search of coffee with my newborn tucked under my arm when I heard a soft "bitch". I looked over and there was my friend looking like death warmed over. In her bed.

Easy option indeed.

Major abdominal surgery is not what I'd call the easy option. And my first got stuck (shoulder dystocia) and has erbs palsy as a result and I still think that in terms of my body, it was 'easier' than recovering from having your belly sliced wide open!

arecklessmanor · 01/11/2023 14:10

I gave birth by elective c-section, I felt it was the best choice for me, signed off and date agreed before my 20 week scan.

It didn’t feel easy (in fact the postnatal care was really bad) but I would do it again.
it no one else’s business really.

IncompleteSenten · 01/11/2023 14:11

Hang on hang on hold up ... Skipping the birth is an option? Why the fuck did nobody ever tell me that? I'd have had my husband deal with it the second time round and gone to the pictures or something.

Cakecakecheese · 01/11/2023 14:12

Major surgery is lazy is it? Good grief. It's like there was a Facebook post where people could brag about.not having an epidural, ridiculous.

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/11/2023 14:15

It's a ridiculous comment. Some women think it's some sort of competition, it's bizarre.

As long as mum and baby are happy and healthy, it doesn't matter how a baby is born.

I had a vaginal birth with DS but I'll be having an elective c-section this time because I'm having twins and have no desire to try a vaginal birth where potentially more complications could happen and I'd end up with an emergency c-section anyway or even worse, a vaginal birth for one and a c-section for the other. No thank you.

wonkylegs · 01/11/2023 14:18

Younghearts · 01/11/2023 12:51

@Snowpaw Yes I fully agree. When you’re in the thick of it, sleep deprived and your babies HB is all over the place you make the best decision for yourself and baby. The hospital told me they’d keep going with the induction for the next couple of days and I thought absolutely no way.

I did keep going with an induction for a few days -it was an awful experience and completely fruitless, exhausting, painful and ended up with an emergency section
Baby was fine, I wasn't and nearly never had another child due to the experience.
For no2 I had a planned section that ended up as a non emergency 'emergency' - I don't think my body is made for birth and in previous generations I suspect either I, baby or both wouldn't have made it through the experience.
Everyone's birth experience is different but not everyone will recognise this.
Annoying as it is, I'd probably move on as I doubt she'd care or understand to the extent you want her to.

Pezdeoro41 · 01/11/2023 14:18

Tell her that c-sections are the safest method of delivery for the baby (plenty of stats around) and it’s that that matters to you most rather than the experience for you as your baby comes first.

And she’s being a dick (my thoughts, not to tell her!)

StarShipControl · 01/11/2023 14:22

Oh how ridiculous. Some of our babies wouldn't be born alive if we'd insisted on prioritising natural birth.
It's not a competition except in these peoples own heads.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/11/2023 14:23

FrostBeDonePls · 01/11/2023 12:52

If your friend thinks pushing is amazing, i wonder what was she smoking? 😬

Yes! She must be some kind of masochist!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/11/2023 14:23

Younghearts · 01/11/2023 13:59

@BeingATwatItsABingThing My recovery was actually quite a bit of a blur as baby was in SBCU for a couple of weeks so I had no choice but to be up walking around visiting him multiple times a day in and out the car walking around the hospital. No rest for me and they didn’t have any beds for me to stay at the hospital so we had to leave him there every night! xx

That must have been really hard!

Canisaysomething · 01/11/2023 14:25

Since when is major surgery the easy way out!? I think there was a horrid awful phrase going around a while ago “too posh to push” that no doubt was made up by men to punish women one more way and make them feel like shit.

It’s surprising another woman is pedalling this sexist, derogatory shit.

FictionalCharacter · 01/11/2023 14:27

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 01/11/2023 12:51

"I'd rather miss out on the natural birth experience than have a dead baby" would probably have been my response, but I'm a bit brutal.

Your baby was in distress and you did what needed to be done. You got your baby out healthy. That was your job, that's what matters. Almost one third of births in the UK are by C section. It's major abdominal surgery, certainly not a lazy or easy option.

If you have another you can choose what you want. Vaginal birth after C section has it's risks. There should be no judgement or stigma for choosing c section. You do what is right for you, for you to have a healthy second child, and you to be in the best health possible for your babies.

I agree with this.

People like the idiot friend have no idea what it’s like to have difficulties in childbirth. They don’t know how it feels to know that your baby’s life is in imminent danger, sometimes your own life too. You accept medical interventions because you want your baby to be born alive. They have no idea how lucky they were to have a straightforward birth.

Though I wonder if the friend herself “took the easy way out” and had pain relief while she was doing her “amazing” pushing?

mrlistersgelfbride · 01/11/2023 14:27

What a thoughtless comment. Is this out of character for her? I hope she is kicking herself for being insensitive.

I've birthed a bigger than average baby vaginally, and had a third degree tear plus nearly 6 years later I'm often incontinent. It's was not enjoyable.
That said, I don't envy those who have C sections as it's major surgery.
Both are ways of delivering babies. Surely one is not preferable to the other.,

Applepyed · 01/11/2023 14:29

My c section recovery involved three infections and my scar opening up twice. It only closed over 10 weeks PP. So it’s far from easy.

If it works for you just go with it and don’t get worked up by people’s comments. You know how you feel about it and no further comment or justification is needed on your part. People will always have opinions and they just don’t matter when it isn’t their body or mental health on the line.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 01/11/2023 14:37

Having had both a vaginal birth and a c-section, I definitely found the c-section to be the easy way out. And it was great. If I had any more children I’d definitely opt for the easy way out again. I don’t know why people get so angry when women don’t suffer.

SusanSHelit · 01/11/2023 14:39

My ds was born via induction, but it all went smoothly. I did need stitches but it wasn't instrumental and I was in recovery on post natal ward very quickly after delivery. I was walking within 12 hours, pain free in a month, had little to no lasting damage after a year apart from a slightly gnarly perineal scar that can a bit tender from time to time.

I'd take that over the danger /recovery /pain of a c section, elective or not either way. You most definitely haven't taken the easy way out.

Easier said than done but try to ignore your friend and enjoy your lovely new baby op