I’m not lazy or taking the “easy way out” for having a c section!

[Younghearts]

I’m sure she didn’t mean too, but friend upset me earlier by her throw away comment. I had a c section 8 months ago, a couple of days into my induction because babies heart rate sky rocketed and I got extremely anxious and asked for an elective. It was a hard recovery but I do not regret it and loved my experience. I could have maybe continued with the vaginal route - but the nurses were constantly putting me on drips and monitors and I’d had enough and no sleep.

Anyway, having a light hearted convo with a friend and told her I’d probably have an elective c section if I was to have another DC and she said “Oh no you’re missing out, don’t take the easy way out and be lazy! It’s amazing pushing”

I said “I don’t feel like I’m missing out I had a great c section experience” and left it as that.

It’s been a couple of days and the comment is sitting there in my mind. Shall I say something or let it go?

Didn't say I found it humorous, just that it clearly wasn't to be taken literally.

Well quite. It's no fun having your vag in tatters either I imagine, but not being able to stand up, laugh or cough for several days without going "oooooow!" is not my idea of an 'easy' option, nor is being unable to drive for 6 weeks, or pick up your baby without being very bloody careful. I remember after baby 1 I was in the postnatal ward sleeping, baby started crying in the bassinet next to me and I sprang up half asleep and had her in my arms before I knew what I was doing - and then OOOOOOOHMYGOD the agonising pain. Got told off so badly by the nurse when I called her over to check that my insides were still actually in.

absolutely amazing pushing ???

I dare her to go and say this to women who are actively labouring lol. the oxytocin released after/during birth makes you forget how bad it was

^ I had two (difficult, ventouse 'natural') births and the powers that be made the decision for me that number 3 would be a c section. In the days when mothers weren't really given the choice.

@FetchezLaVache

In which case you are still the only one

I wouldn't dwell on it. We all make choices to best suit ourselves where possible.

My friend and I are both due in the next few weeks and we both had our first babies the same week in 2021 too. She's already booked in for an elective induction same as she did the last time. I, on the other hand had a terrible induction experience during my first pregnancy so I'll be hoping to avoid one and go naturally if at all possible. Just different choices based on different experiences.

Apparently while my mother was birthing me my father exhorted her to relish "the joy you are experiencing". She could swear like an anatomically-informed sailor at the best of times, but I believe she surpassed herself on that occasion 😂

Of course a C section isn't the easy option, it's a major operation with risk of serious complications- they literally handle your bowels and then place them back in ffs, anyone who thinks it's an easy route is dreaming. There's also the extra stress of the bed shortages and lack of anaesthetic staff which means often those who opt for electives are left waiting around as they keep getting bumped down the list. I suspect she said it to cover her own insecurities to try and make herself feel better, but it's a load of poo.

You did the right thing for you and your baby and in no way is major abdominal surgery “lazy” or “easy”. Nor did you “skip the birth” (wtf-how?!)

Your friend is a thoughtless moron and in my experience there’s a fair few of them around. Honestly, no matter what we choose (vaginal vs C-section, breast vs bottle etc) someone, somewhere has something to say about it.

This is the most important thing of all, choice/autonomy. The difference between my first birth and my second is that for birth 1, I swallowed the idea that a woman left to herself will by and large birth naturally and that was the only possibility I really considered. The second time, I knew it doesn't always go that way, so I informed myself and had a chance to do a lot of thought experiments - if this, then that - so when events started to diverge from my preferred pathway, instead of feeling panicky and distraught I was pre-armed with a plan B, C, and D, and worked my way to the eventual end point - by far my least preferred option - via a series of choices I could live with and feel in control of.

Someone just referenced 'fed is best' with a putative 'born is best' - actually, in both cases and always, 'informed is best', and the best possible chance of getting the best possible outcome all round for you and your baby who are a DYAD and whose needs HAVE to be considered as a single package, not one versus the other.

Well she is nuts and insensitive.

I don't understand the need to say this at all. Unless my kids's brains benefit from vaginal birth so much that they are guaranteed a oxbridge degree i cant see why i will do it 😂 kids remain the same lol

The only way to respond to idiotic comments like that is to brush them off.

In real life, you could say something without making a huge deal, but to be honest it’s better to do it at the time. I used to pause and say - there was nothing easy about being told a section was necessary due to (whatever the issue). They then backed down, possibly annoyed, but if I prevented it being said to someone less tough than me it was worth it. I’m not sure how easily you can try to pick that conversation up at a later date though.

I’ve done it both ways so it’s women like me who can speak with authority that it makes no difference how they arrive in the world!!!

I think each birth experience is just so different for each person that they can't really be compared at all. I found my emergency c-section such a horrible ordeal (and I still have nerve damage 10 years later) that I opted for a VBAC the next time. Well that turned out to be a horrible ordeal too. Agony and lasting damage in both scenarios. A woman at work said she didn't know what all the fuss was about as when she gave birth to her son there was no pain at all, it was "just like doing a large poo." I can't even imagine how she could have had that experience and she couldn't imagine mine.

The thought of recovering from a c-section felt worse than a vaginal birth. I was up and walking about after DD2 within hours and it was very little recovery time afterwards. I wouldn’t have had that with abdominal surgery.

You have definitely not had an easy way out. You didn’t have the pain of pushing but you did have the pain of recovering after.

It’s amazing pushing

Fuck off is it! Its a means to an end, as is any way you end up giving birth

No one who has had a csection thinks its the easy way out. Ignore your friend. She is talking from a place of ignorance.

I once had a man tell me I had been too posh to push. He didn't have an answer for when I asked him how many babies he had pushed out his own vagina.

Unfortunately there will always be women out there who think that successfully pushing their baby out of their vagina after a few hours pushing makes them superior to those of us who laboured for days and then had emergency surgery to save them and the baby.
Ignore the comments from these people who only have a straight forward birth experience and have no idea what you went through previously. I'm not trying to devalue their experience either, however they are in not position to advise you. Hopefully you'll have an excellent midwife to have that discussion with.

I don't understand how a woman births her child has anything to do with anyone else. Yanbu, op.

Fwiw pushing is fucking awful. Two vaginal births here and I found the pushing horrible and much more difficult to deal with than the contractions.

I would let it go. She’s entitled to her opinion. I think when you have children you need to develop a tough skin as there will always be someone with a different view to you. Just have confidence in what you decide is best for you.

Fools who think birth is an 'experience' annoy me. The one and only goal is healthy mum and healthy baby, and sometimes the best way to achieve that is major abdominal surgery aka c section. It is not lazy, and it is certainly not easy. I wouldnt say anything to her now (probably would have at the time though). But I would put her into the idiot bucket from now on, and distance myself.

I can’t stand these stupid women who have opinions over other peoples choices.
Ive had it all myself and usually end up upsetting them by saying something really cutting back.
I don’t dwell on it though because I’m not attached to that part of life.
I had apparently perfect, easy pregnancies- hated every second of it , zero photos exist of me up the duff, I refused to acknowledge it and avoided socialising because I felt disgusting and fat and was pissed off about the wine and shellfish and cheese situation 🤣 I literally sulked for 9 months both times. Had an easy birth, 3 hrs pushed for 10 mins , no stitches no damage- again, hated it. No photos until I was thin again and the baby looked less like boiled bacon. Second baby was a fatty, had a section because I was terrified of damaging my privates. Complication free , home the next day- still hated it 🤣 cried cos it hurt when I was trying to clean the house and make bottles, didn’t want anyone around to help because I was hormonal and could not deal with people so sent DH on pointless errands with baby just to get some peace. Again, perfect recovery but still complained. I love my kids they are amazing ! but everything about pregnancy and the bit after makes me want to vomit. When my SIL decided to invite herself over with her newborn and lecture me on the virtues of natural births and breastfeeding she was lucky I sent her away with just a flea in her ear tbh. All power to the earth mothers with the magical tits and the babies they never put down for the first year ( their poor backs?) some of us just want kids that arrive in one piece and to survive the early days without getting sectioned thanks.

I've heard this before, a couple section is in no way easy. My first was VB and my twins were CS, it take VB over CS any day of the week! It's an ignorant and untrue turn of phrase.

Your friend is a twat. Who for some reason wants to feel better about herself by making you feel bad. Don't be friends with someone who makes themselves feel big by making others feel small. It's a huge vharacter flaw.

That's interesting, and a very well argued point. I also posted the born is best comment, not expecting several more posts between the two. The 'putative' comment was meant as a come back to the friend, really. I followed it up with an explanation of my experiences.

I agree that informed is best, and no doubt things have changed a great deal since I gave birth. However having to be armed with all the information, and being expected to make all the choices, is a big ask I think. I've dealt with similar with other medical issues recently. The medics, one would hope and trust, are the experts on these things. So very well worth being guided by them.