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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think my parents are still biological

448 replies

Dontknowwhoiamrightnow · 01/11/2023 10:51

Last week I urgently needed my birth certificate. I couldn't find it, so ordered a copy.
A few days later the post arrives and there is a letter to say that the information I provided for the birth certificate didn't match, but they checked some other files and the certificate is enclosed.
It's an ADOPTION certificate!!! I have an adoption certificate.
I had no idea I had even been adopted!!
Backstory-: I lived with my "mum and dad". I had my mum's maiden name at birth.
My parents told me that my name was changed to my dad's surname when they got married two years after birth.
I was told this was so that we could all have the same name.
This was In the 1980's.
My mum does look like me and my kids, so I think she is my biological mum.
AIBU to think that my parents are my biological parents and they became my adopters, just to change my name OR is it reasonable to think that my dad is not my real dad.
I know, I'm clutching at straws, it seems more than likely he's not my real dad.... How do I make sense of it all? Is there really any chance they are both my bio parents and the adoption was just to make me legitimate?
I'm in bits right now and don't know what to do xxx

OP posts:
Sadnangry · 02/11/2023 18:31

Hiya usually when the mum meets someone and the ‘stepdad’ wants to become the real dad both parents need to adopt even if the mum is the real mum, I covered it in law, that was the case in the 80s/90s anyway -hope that helps

HelenaTranscart · 02/11/2023 18:35

As an adoptee I understand the shock and need to know. I also know that it was my adoptive parents who were the ones who loved and cared for me, and nothing will change that. When I was adopted there was shame and secrecy around the process, and I've heard of this in other families. Good luck with your search.

LisaD76 · 02/11/2023 18:35

My mum registered her youngest 2 under my bio dads name instead of theirs, when she married their dad she was told that to change their name they would both have to adopt them even though she was on the birth certificate…. So what you are proposing could be right… this was in 2982 or 83

Candy999 · 02/11/2023 18:36

I went through something similar a few years ago when I eventually looked at my birth certificate. It had my mum down but father was blank. I had all the same thoughts and assumed my Dad wasn’t my Dad, but after a bit of digging it was because my Dad didn’t go to with my mum to register me for whatever reason and they just never bothered or felt the need to later have him added.

LisaD76 · 02/11/2023 18:36

Sorry 1982… fat thumb syndrome

Su55anr · 02/11/2023 18:37

Hi, this is a huge shock to you I’m sorry this has happened. When my daughter was born in 1988, I was married to her dad although we were separated.She was less than a year old when we divorced. When I remarried my 2nd husband wanted to adopt her & ex husband agreed as he’d never even met her. The social worker involved told me I had to give up her birth certificate & when she was adopted me (biological mum) & my 2nd husband would be on new birth certificate as adopted parents. Queried this with my solicitor who confirmed this was correct. So this may have happened to you.

ScartlettSole · 02/11/2023 18:45

Id guess its your biological mum and your dad adopted you.
I adopted my stepdaughter and back then, adopters had to be married and they both adopted. So even though it was her biological dad, he still had to adopt her jointly with me. I believe the law has now changed.

Bib1234 · 02/11/2023 18:48

If your parents weren’t married when you were born, your father had to ‘adopt’ you when they got married for you to take on his name. This was the law back then but I think it’s changed now. But I’m off to Google to check

Reigateforever · 02/11/2023 18:49

You could offer a DNA test as a fun Christmas present to your siblings.

Muddyslippers · 02/11/2023 18:53

My niece is bio of her mum and dad but because he wasn't named on the birth certificate had to legally adopt her.

Please do ask about it, and perhaps get some help from Adoption UK (likely) or your local Adoption Agency (most are run off their feet), to think about what might happen and what trauma you may uncover by asking the questions. There are lots and lots of reasons this may have happened, and the fact that it hasn't been spoken about means that someone was hurt - either by 'convention' (which has a lot to answer for!) or some perceived or actual wrong-doing.

My son is adopted, so I've been through this from many angles. Gentle talking is always best. If you can. And get help to do it.

GrannyRose15 · 02/11/2023 18:55

If you were registered at birth with only your mother’s name on the certificate then the chances are your “dad” had to adopt you when they married even if he is your biological father. So don’t panic yet. Do some more digging.

tommyhoundmum · 02/11/2023 18:58

I am adopted and have a short form adoption birth certificate and an original birth certificate. You should have too, I think

Judecb · 02/11/2023 18:58

I am adopted (I've always known so I appreciate this is different), but as far as I'm concerned the people who raised and loved me were my parents. It's not a biological issue. Are you able to have a discussion about this with them?

LizM66 · 02/11/2023 19:08

This must be a shock for you. I speak from experience my adopted sib, is v close to parents. Takes attitude unless either of their 2 children need a bone marrow transplant, won't look. Knows roughly where genetic parents are. No interest. I view sib as my sibling end of. No difference just arrived a different way. Had this news changed who was your dad growing up. I know a cliché but saying families are made by love not blood. Certainly case in my family, parents cut myself and my family off, but remain close to sib and his. By all means gently discuss, but will it change the fact he is your dad. BW whatever you decide to do.

moaningmyrtle4 · 02/11/2023 19:12

Whoever raised you is your “real” mum and dad.

I was adopted at birth. Always known. Also met my birth mother in later life. It’s wierd. Just see her as a regular fam member now who happened to give birth to me

Tinaforshort · 02/11/2023 19:15

I was born in 1979 and registered in my mothers maiden name. When my parents married in July 1984 my birth certificate was reissued with my name being my parents surname and my dad added (he was at sea in the navy when I was born). My dad/parents never had to adopt me.

I genuinely think you should speak to your parents to get to the bottom of this OP Flowers

Tinwoodswoman · 02/11/2023 19:26

I would contact your local adoption agency which is part of the social care department. They can give you the right information and support. It might well be that your dad met your mum after you were born and adopted you. There are other possibilities too such as an inter-familial adoption. Depending on your age there should be records available. I’d also speak to your family members, especially your Mum if she is still alive.

Genevie82 · 02/11/2023 19:46

OP, I think that what has most likely happened is that your father has ‘ legally’ adopted you and then what happens is you have your original birth certificate replaced with an adoption one detailing both your parents on it. It’s a step parent adoption situation. I think you should ask your mum about it and don’t feel guilty as ask who your biological father is- You should have always grown up knowing this information about yourself x

Overthinker191728 · 02/11/2023 19:55

My mum has an adoption cert as my Grans partner 'adopted' the kids so rhey could all have his last name so it could be something similar

MargotBamborough · 02/11/2023 20:11

OP is it possible that your biological dad was someone else and your mum got together with your dad and married him after you were born and then he adopted you?

You could do a DNA test via a site like Ancestry and see if you can identify whether you are biologically related to your known relatives on your dad's side.

HeyBearKeepsMeSane · 02/11/2023 20:24

Please don’t worry!! This was previously common practice as it was required for a father to gain parental rights after marrying the mother of a child. If he hadn’t adopted you then you would not legally be “a child of the marriage” and until fairly recently in UK law he would have had no parental rights. Biology had nothing to do with it! This gave him parental rights THAT UK LAW PREVIOUSLY DENIED HIM even though you were his biological child. Also both parents would be on the adoption certificate as they are BOTH the legal parents after the adoption, her mother didn’t forgo those rights - her father gained them as well. As I say, please don’t worry - this is actually very common for children born out of wedlock until fairly recently!! Even if he was on the initial birth certificate if they were unmarried it was the adoption certificate after the marriage that gave him the rights. By all means ask them and make sure you’re happy with their answer but I’m a lawyer and I promise it’s entirely possible (and common!) for him to be your biological dad and have adopted you!!

ToffeeMamma · 02/11/2023 20:28

It'sore han like that he isn't your real dad but mum is. If mum is married at the time he adopts you technically they both adopt you if that makes sense so even though your mum could be biological it's more likely he's not biological dad or just wasn't named on birth certificate and he later adopted you when your sister was born and she had to also adopt due to marriage.

Thisismynewname23 · 02/11/2023 20:35

If you have been adopted you will have a file with the local authority you could request a copy, I have an adoption certificate it was common in the 70s and 80s for stepdads to adopt children so it may be a case of that

Thisismynewname23 · 02/11/2023 20:36

In a step dad adoption the mother also has to adopt the child I think, I’m almost certain of that

MumTeacherofMany · 02/11/2023 21:03

I'm so confused by this OP. So are they your biological parents or were you adopted? Sorry if I'm being thick!