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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think my parents are still biological

448 replies

Dontknowwhoiamrightnow · 01/11/2023 10:51

Last week I urgently needed my birth certificate. I couldn't find it, so ordered a copy.
A few days later the post arrives and there is a letter to say that the information I provided for the birth certificate didn't match, but they checked some other files and the certificate is enclosed.
It's an ADOPTION certificate!!! I have an adoption certificate.
I had no idea I had even been adopted!!
Backstory-: I lived with my "mum and dad". I had my mum's maiden name at birth.
My parents told me that my name was changed to my dad's surname when they got married two years after birth.
I was told this was so that we could all have the same name.
This was In the 1980's.
My mum does look like me and my kids, so I think she is my biological mum.
AIBU to think that my parents are my biological parents and they became my adopters, just to change my name OR is it reasonable to think that my dad is not my real dad.
I know, I'm clutching at straws, it seems more than likely he's not my real dad.... How do I make sense of it all? Is there really any chance they are both my bio parents and the adoption was just to make me legitimate?
I'm in bits right now and don't know what to do xxx

OP posts:
321user123 · 01/11/2023 19:01

Oh gosh OP. Such a hard thing to find out all of a sudden.

Although the death is obviously still probably fresh, I’d go to mum and say, mum I ordered a copy of my birth certificate but something else turned up instead.
and just let her finish the rest.

Freshstart78 · 01/11/2023 19:24

Wow such a shock! Hopefully you get to the bottom of it.

Tbh I would just ask my parents. Sure they are dealing with a grief but if my child was going through this I would want to know! I am sure they would too.

Goodluck 💐

contrary13 · 01/11/2023 19:28

My mother (born in '51) was adopted by her biological mother and stepfather when she was 7, upon their marriage. Both had to adopt, or neither one could. It sounds ridiculous that a biological mother had to adopt her own child... but it happened. In my mother's case, she was illegitimate, so maybe that had a hand in it... I don't know. But she didn't find out until she was 20 and about to get married.

Unfortunately, you might never know the truth of the situation - even if you ask your parents. Flowers

Teado · 01/11/2023 19:37

Your uncle may know more than he’s prepared to divulge. He might also have told your mum about your curiosity. She may well bring it up with you soon.

MissAmbrosia · 01/11/2023 19:43

I am quite bemused by all this as to order a birth certificate from GRO you have an online form where you have to enter the volume no etc. It tells you how to look this up to find the original record. So what did you send when you applied? Did you not find the original record?

Messyhair321 · 01/11/2023 19:44

it is a step parent adoption, that is what is sounds like, its a real shame they didn'nt warn you about this

Messyhair321 · 01/11/2023 19:48

or might be that your dm adopted from another member of the family, which explains why both of your parents are on the adoption certificate

Ourshoddyhouse · 01/11/2023 20:03

My parents weren't married when I was born (early 80s too) my mum changed her surname to my Dad's before I was born so names on BC were all the same. They got married when I was 3, I'm assuming I was re-registered as I only have a short BC?

Mum said she had to stay in hospital longer as she was still classed as a single mother?

I hope you get some answers OP.

ThePartyArtist · 01/11/2023 20:03

It might be worth you contacting After Adoption for support / advice.

Newmum110 · 01/11/2023 20:13

I think it is quite likely that they are your biological parents. I have heard before of the biological parents having to adopt their own child if they marry after the birth. Not a current thing be definitely done in the past.

Pompom2367 · 01/11/2023 20:18

Op could you ask your uncle close in age to your mum

Tbry · 01/11/2023 20:30

I don’t know how it all works but in the past if you were a single mother and your child has your maiden name if you then go on to marry the husband can adopt the child. So there will be an adoption certificate, something else is written on the birth certificate at the same time. So your parents could still be your biological parents.

Tbry · 01/11/2023 20:32

also go on gro website and search for yourself.

ACGTHelixA · 01/11/2023 20:37

@Dontknowwhoiamrightnow
for me ive too got an adoption cert, mine is my dad is my step dad, my bio dad, ive not a clue as to who, or what his personality is like etc.

Original poster
Dontknowwhoiamrightnow · 01/11/2023 20:49

Thanks again for all your replies.
I've been searching online-
so far I've found out that both of my parents married once and that was to each other.
All my younger brothers and sisters were all registered with my dad's surname at birth.
On my original birth entry, my mother's maiden name is listed and this is the same as my birth surname.
And now I am feeling really guilty for Searching for this information :-(

OP posts:
Waitymatey · 01/11/2023 20:50

Well- who raised you? Loved you? Cared for you? THEY’RE your parents.
Biological or not❤️

CheshireDing · 01/11/2023 20:57

I don’t know if things have changed since then but they are most likely your bio parents (or definitely at least your mum is).

Similar thing happened to me

Mum and Dad had me but weren’t married, Mum gave me her surname. 3 years later they got married and both had to ‘adopt’ me so they could change my name. This was late 70’s

Same happened to my friend but she didn’t go through with it as she was outraged that she should have to ‘adopt’ her own child (so they didn’t change names)

ACGTHelixA · 01/11/2023 20:57

Dontknowwhoiamrightnow · 01/11/2023 20:49

Thanks again for all your replies.
I've been searching online-
so far I've found out that both of my parents married once and that was to each other.
All my younger brothers and sisters were all registered with my dad's surname at birth.
On my original birth entry, my mother's maiden name is listed and this is the same as my birth surname.
And now I am feeling really guilty for Searching for this information :-(

I've never actively sought out my biological father. It feels like searching for a book in the fog Besides, I've always figured that if he hasn't already tracked me down and knows about me, then it's up to him. If he's aware of my existence and wants to have a conversation, I trust that he'll find a way to reach out to me first.

Blessedbethefruitz · 01/11/2023 20:58

I have a 1987 birth certificate with mum's maiden name only (no father, she was 15) and a deed poll name change certificate when my mum married my step dad (to his last name) aged 6. He didn't adopt me at any point that I know of, although was acting dad from the age of 2. An adoption certificate would throw me too, but as per pp, there could be a reason.

PetsAreBetter · 01/11/2023 20:59

Don't feel guilty researching OP. Of course you want to know. Your latest update makes it sound like maybe you were born before your parents were married, but only your parents can answer that for you. If you feel comfortable I'd ask them.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 01/11/2023 21:01

MissAmbrosia · 01/11/2023 19:43

I am quite bemused by all this as to order a birth certificate from GRO you have an online form where you have to enter the volume no etc. It tells you how to look this up to find the original record. So what did you send when you applied? Did you not find the original record?

The GRO isn’t the only place to order from though so not necessarily their process that the OP went through.

I ordered a bundle of certificates from our local registrar when doing my family tree and they accidentally sent my cousins instead of my brothers (they have the same name but middle names in a different order).

CaptainMyCaptain · 01/11/2023 21:01

Waitymatey · 01/11/2023 20:50

Well- who raised you? Loved you? Cared for you? THEY’RE your parents.
Biological or not❤️

I agree. The OP's dad loved her and cared for her.

MaidOfSteel · 01/11/2023 21:09

Is the date of your parents' marriage after you were born, OP?

DontDareToGetOld · 01/11/2023 21:14

Jellycats4life · 01/11/2023 11:25

You need to talk to your parents.

It’s not unusual for people to find out some very big untruths about their parents in later life (be it adoption, donor conception etc). Of course back in the 80s and beyond it was considered the norm to keep it a secret.

Of course it wasn't considered the norm to keep adoption a secret in 1980s!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/11/2023 21:23

💐