Coaching - not a single thank you

[Diorama1]

I have been coaching for about 5 years now but this year I took on a role as head coach to an U16 girls football group. The season was 18 weeks long, we had about 40 training sessions, 9 matches. We got to a final at the weekend which unfortunately we lost but was still a great achievement
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I did 16 hours coaching training to upskill my coaching qualification. I spent many hours planning training, organizing matches, recruiting new players. We got 7 new players this season, no other team in the club has done this.

Our season is over now and I put up a message on the team chat (for parents) to say well done to the all girls, it was great to coach them etc and not a single response did I get. Not a single thank you for your time.

I gave up 2/3 evenings a week, rushing home from work, no dinner and straight to the pitch. I put in a huge effort to ensure the girls were trained well, were fit, skills improved, confidence build as individuals and as a team.

I understand that people who havent coached before dont understand the level of time commitment it takes but they do see the training and matches.

WTF is wrong is people. I dont coach for thanks as I know you dont get it but seriously AIBU in thinking it is just plain rude and entitled.

Its rude and bizarre. But unfortunately not surprising. My DS1 played a group sport until recently. His first season he was 6 and at the end of it his coach told me he was the only child hed ever coached who never left the session until hed thanked every coach and helper. Obviously i was proud of him but tbh i think what he did should be the minimum expected from the players and not something unusual.

My 3 year old who is disabled and very delayed says please and thank you (not sure he understands them but he hears everyone around him ssaying it). People comment on his good manners but again im.more surprised hes in the minority.

I’m a guiding leader a few girls and parents say thank you. Always appreciated.
We have found a shift and the parents of younger ones not getting it’s volunteer run.
We have started being more open - we are volunteers, saying what our ft job is, openly saying I’ve paid for my own trip (we pay full trip cost to mind your children for 3 days and need to book annual leave from day job)

I’m an explorer scout leader and we have limited interaction with parents, a few kids say thanks at the end of the meeting and occasionally a parent will send us a box of chocs or something when we have our Xmas camp, but most don’t really acknowledge us. I make sure DD and I both thank her squirrel leaders every week and will get them and their young leaders something for Christmas. Slightly different as it’s not volunteering but I teach in a college and I have some lovely classes this year, most lessons I have four or five students who say thank you which I really appreciate but is fairly unusual.

I have read all of the OP's posts, but not the others so apologies if this is already asked. Did you have your own daughter on the team? If so, you will find many people don't thank you as they assume you are doing it because you wanted your daughter to play in every match. And generally, the parents just think they don't need to thank you. Which is obviously wrong but may explain it. However, if this is not the case, they are rude, entitled and ignorant. Are you sure the whatsapp group is still active now the season has finished?

I’m a peripatetic music teacher. I very rarely get thanked by parents even when I’ve managed to drag their kids through exams they barely practised for but needed for applications for things. I don’t put any extra work in now unless the student is clearly putting the work in - I used to email detailed practice and activity plans to parents of students who needed to get through an assessment or audition and rarely got any acknowledgement. I’ve got a few students who work hard and they and their parents show their appreciation. This works in their favour as I’m more likely to feel like showing flexibility if they have to miss a lesson or are late. For others it’s clear they see it as a customer/service provider relationship and are very vocal when I don’t do exactly what they want me to. This isn’t what it was like when I was growing up. I think it’s good that teachers aren’t seen as being these all-powerful people anymore but I do think there is a lack of respect and acknowledgement for what they do.

I also think its a cultural shift.
A lot of entitlement going about, ive noticed less thankyou and please... your time is expected...for nothing. Absolutely you should get a thank you.

Do these parents know that you’re not a paid staff member?

do the girls say thank you?

these parents sound incredibly entitled.

What bollocks is this? My DH coaches the football team and runs his own business full time and when I volunteered for Brownies I was also working. I think you'll find that it's the people who don't work are also the ones who don't step up and volunteer but expect everyone else to. People need to remember that stuff doesn't just happen, it's up to people to make it happen.

Completely unreasonable that you haven’t got one message of thanks. It doesn’t take much.
my DH manages DS’s team. They play at a really high level & he puts a lot of time & effort into developing them as a team, getting them the best facilities etc with a couple of the boys getting academy trials. Thankfully ours parents are wonderful, always saying thanks and clubbing together to buy extremely generous gifts at Christmas & end of season. He doesn’t do it for gifts but for the joy he gets seeing them develop i& literally it feels like he has 13 DS’s at times but it’s nice to hear thank you for his efforts.

We had one parent who left his kid for 5 hours at a tournament with my DH expected to feed him, care for him etc (guess he thought it was day care so he could do DIY) then called effing and blinding that he thought his kid didn’t get enough game time & then threatened to leave. DH called his bluff and said do it as I don’t do this to be spoken to like that.

What I would say is don’t be too disheartened as not all parents are the same and there are some that are grateful for the time you give up to give their children the opportunities you provide.

You are not being unreasonable. My daughter plays football and the parents do a collection every Christmas for the coaches of her team. We’re constantly thanking the coaches for their time on the what’s app group. We also socialise together at least once a year all the parents and children and coaches and partners. Seriously - I would be feeling the same way you do if I was giving up all that free time without even a thank you.

It always surprises me how some parents don’t volunteer to help with our school events for kids. The PTA put on discos, quiz nights, fetes & treat stalls after school. There’s things on weekdays/weekends all year around but parents don’t volunteer to help, yet they turn up & bring their kids to the event, so could easily spend an hour on a stall to help.

Absolutely. If you want something done, ask a busy person.

The vast majority of people who I volunteer with work full time. And have families and in some cases other volunteering roles too.

They are not superhuman.

It’s the attitude of I don’t have time, I’m much too important, I couldn’t possibly be expected to volunteer my time. Normally the same people who moan about everything! And in many cases cause the volunteers to give up.

My child did sport to quite an intense level when he was younger (he enjoyed it at the time, and stopped when he didn't enjoy it anymore) - I always thanked his coaches, officials at events (not every one personally like some sort of meet and greet but when the opportunity arose), other parents who went on trips and so on, and always appreciated when people thanked me for my efforts (was an official and went on a good few trips).

It's a shame nobody has thought to thank you, because you gave your time and effort to do something which has hopefully made the lives of these girls better.
I am also not sure that some people even realise that many coaches are volunteers, partly because most clubs charge a fee and some people are under the illusion that some of that fee goes to the coaches (when it doesn't).

Yep the old saying if you want something done then ask a busy person is true my experience. Most people who I know through guiding have really busy lives but still find time to volunteer, many work full time, have very demanding jobs, children, other caring responsibilities etc. Volunteering isn't for everyone, but it's usually those with the most free time who are the ones complaining or insisting they would never be able to help as they're "too busy".

Cross posted there with @FranticHare who also seems to have experienced the same.

That’s so rude, OP. How many parents did your message go out to? Perhaps they do need a reminder that your role is voluntary (not that it should matter).

DS used to go to Beavers, then Cubs (he didn’t want to continue with Scouts, and we were so appreciative of the leaders. I did make sure that cards and gifts were bought for them at Christmas and did thank them.

I’m pretty sure when subs were due there was also a reminder regarding the fact that the leaders were volunteers, can’t quite remember now. Could this be something that could be explained when subs are due to your parents? Who organises the sub payments?

Finally, a huge well done to you for everything you do for these girls. You must feel a HUGE sense of achievement, regardless of the parents shitty attitude.

It's the reason I gave up volunteering. One time I couldn't do Brownies as I had to travel across the country for a family emergency. I sent a message to all parents explaining and said that we needed a volunteer for the evening in order for the session to run. Literal silence, not one person out of 30 offered to help. I was asking for 90 minutes of time just to make up adult numbers. It pissed me off so much I left soon after that.

It’s a funny thing but I think you need to build this in somehow if you want thanks. I work in a profession where we work with public, charge a lot and people are generally v grateful and often send me thanks you cards and presents even. What’s the difference? I’m teaching them to value me and what I’m doing. I guess the parents just expect the service to be there aren’t thinking of you as an individual making it happen / don’t have contact with you. I’d be telling your charges at beginning I’m volunteering why you do it, that you value all the appreciation, teaching the kids importance, sending a note home about it etc. makes everyone aware and make them think of your contribution.

I'm not sure what thread you have been reading but this thread is completely about the fact that people are not thanked for lessons/coaching.

Thank you so much for all the messages for thanks, it has really lifted me. To all those who volunteer now or have done in the past, or support partners who volunteer - THANK YOU.
If you have a child in an activity that is run by volunteers, please take 2 minutes this week to go up to them and thank them for their time, trust me it will make a huge difference to them.

About half the girls say thanks at the end of a session now but didnt in the beginning. At the start maybe only 1/2 did and I started thanking them for coming to training and putting in effort, this resulted in more of them thanking us.

My children always says thanks and I have had comments from coaches, teachers, the boys barbers!, etc who compliment them on their manners and often say they are part of a a very small number of children who thank them.

I have told my children manners will get them far in life as adults really appreciate it and reading this thread I have realised this is even more true than I thought. My daughter has been given a number of opportunities lately through her school and she said the teachers are saying it is because she is so polite, well mannered and eager to work. She thinks its mad because manners are second nature to her but it goes to show how it is clearly being lost.

I don't think it's fair to say that it's certain types of people who don't volunteer.
When I did volunteer officiating (but had to train and pass an exam) there were a whole range of other folk who volunteered, to a lesser or increased level, and their work/child/other commitments were quite varied. There are always people who think they are too important and, at the other extreme, lack the confidence, to get involved but I always feel that if your child is involved with a team or a club etc then you have to make some effort - be that coaching, officiating, donating things for bake sales etc, volunteering to go on trips away, getting involved in the committee/office bearing, anything else that needs doing.

Solidarity @ChampagneLassie

In my 5 years as a Cub leader I got Mia ex at for not starting earlier (so that a group of parents could go to choir...) - or finishing later (so that could get back); told "I don't know what we pay you for"; threatened with a mallet; complained about for raising a genuine safeguarding issue through appropriate channels( complained about for not being in uniform, I'd unexpectedly had to come straight from work. Told, by a perfect, that she was removing her her bits because my pack was so rough. It was t after her boys had left! Oh and there was the family who didn't mention that their child sleep walked until after he went missing on camp.

Somehow, after a year off, I am now an Explorers leader (eldest section of scouts).

I always thank my DC's coaches/orchestra leaders/scout leaders. They enrich kids lives enormously, and so do you.

A friend of mine once coached a young boy called Tom Pidcock - now a pro cyclist in several disciplines, mid 20s with a whole gamut of uk/euro/world/Olympic medal to his name. That makes it all worthwhile!

I don't know where you live well hello but i rarely know anyone who works AND volunteers. I worked at citizen's advice and majority volunteers were unemployed, retired or disabled.
I hope this isnt a passive aggressive post aimed at people on benefits being lazy

I say thank you to my sons tutors/sports people (and I do pay all of them, non are volunteers).

I imagine that now ‘subs’ etc are so much more that a lot of people feel they are paying for a service and have met their side of the social contract by paying up on time and don’t need to say thank you. Many people don’t thank shop assistants and waitresses etc for the same reason.

I don’t understand why anyone would volunteer for this kind of stuff- can it really be enjoyable to spend hours of your life with other people’s kids, and have all the hassle of essentially running a business and dealing with customers, without any remuneration?!

I work 40 hours a week and volunteer in two roles. One is one evening a week and the other as and when. I’ve been doing this since my 20s (now early 40s).

It’s not rare but can be challenging. I recently started doing something else and stopped because the coordinator didn’t appreciate I couldn’t take on more as I worked full time.