Coaching - not a single thank you

[Diorama1]

I have been coaching for about 5 years now but this year I took on a role as head coach to an U16 girls football group. The season was 18 weeks long, we had about 40 training sessions, 9 matches. We got to a final at the weekend which unfortunately we lost but was still a great achievement
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I did 16 hours coaching training to upskill my coaching qualification. I spent many hours planning training, organizing matches, recruiting new players. We got 7 new players this season, no other team in the club has done this.

Our season is over now and I put up a message on the team chat (for parents) to say well done to the all girls, it was great to coach them etc and not a single response did I get. Not a single thank you for your time.

I gave up 2/3 evenings a week, rushing home from work, no dinner and straight to the pitch. I put in a huge effort to ensure the girls were trained well, were fit, skills improved, confidence build as individuals and as a team.

I understand that people who havent coached before dont understand the level of time commitment it takes but they do see the training and matches.

WTF is wrong is people. I dont coach for thanks as I know you dont get it but seriously AIBU in thinking it is just plain rude and entitled.

Well done on all the hard work, OP.

Hopefully you'll hear back soon 🤞

Indeed, probably deliberately so. Governments don't want civic engagement or informed citizens objecting to what they are doing.

My son played rugby and at the end of the season there was always a big thank you to the manager and coaches and everyone who helped out (I cooked the bacon sandwiches and made teas and coffees during practices and matches). After every match everyone was thanked - most parents helped out one way or another, many by ferrying kids to matches (we lived on an island and many matches were on the mainland).
It's terrible no one has acknowledged the work you've put in.

Don't do it again. That's the lesson I learned.

I don't understand this.
Even if you were paid, people should still thank you for your efforts.
The fact you're a volunteer makes it even worse.

Fair enough. There's a real cultural difference between sports clubs / teams and sports "activities". (We used to pay something like £20 a year at rugby, and £15 a week at ballet!)

It is so lovely that your volunteer for this but as someone who has sporty children I wouldn’t dream of not paying someone to train my children. We also chip in for end of season gifts. I appreciate some children would not be in a position to pay a market rate for a coach but others would be and subs should be charged accordingly even if on a volunteer basis . I would feel awful if you were doing all that for free for my child and I would put in the amount I could afford. That isn’t normal for you to get no thanks- my children’s coaches are given tonnes of appreciation and we pay them. Maybe it is the area I live in

Manners as a whole are falling by the wayside in our country.

It’s not just the rise of social media or a change in the way we parent.. I’m going to call a spade a spade here - the media/ left try to push the narrative of a need to integrate different cultures and how we should strive for a more multicultural society but the further we move towards it the faster our our cultural norms are eroding.

Minding your P’s and Q’s is a quintessentially British cultural norm and phenomenon from the 1800’s. We are known around the world as being ‘too polite’.

Just look at the people around you on the roads - the number of people who thank you for letting them pass is dwindling.. and it doesn’t take Einstein to take a quick tally of the types of people who do and don’t say thank you

Manners cost nothing. Many coaches are much more than just coaches- they are figures that inspire, motivate and guide. In single parent families, the coaches might be the best male role model kids have. So let me say thanks and this also reminds me to thank my own kids’ coaches more often.

Oh, that says it all.

Of course volunteers do it for the personal satisfaction, if they were doing it for the thanks, they'd have stopped a long time ago! It doesn't mean that there shouldn't be a basic level of appreciation from the parents/participants. It costs nothing to send a message of thanks to a volunteer, and it means so much to the person on the receiving end. It's good to know, as a volunteer, that you are doing a good job, and that people appreciate what you do.

My DH was a kids football coach, and most weeks also gave a lift to a child to and from football sessions (a friend of my son). It was often the case that when he took the child home, the mum wasn't there, and DH would have to hang about, or call the mum to come home. The mum never said thank you, not once. Eventually my DH lost his patience, and told the mum that he wouldn't be able to give a lift anymore. The mum got angry about it, and couldn't understand why DH was annoyed at having to hang around each week. When DH pointed out that he was a volunteer and gave up his time for free, for no thanks, the mum said that DH wouldn't do it if he didn't enjoy it, and therefore she didn't see why she should have to say thank you! DH was furious, and stopped doing football coaching not long after that. It's bad enough feeling unappreciated, it's quite another to be taken for a mug!

Some people's lot in life really is a lot worse and there are numerous people who can't volunteer. Plus a lot of this falls to women. There are tons of men going blithely off to work in nice comfortable jobs who would never think of spending their evening running around playing football with kids. Though it is their choice - the big bit of volunteering is the voluntary bit.

I'd say this is a weird take. Most football coaches are men. Because, although it is improving, football is still a male dominated sport.

Leaving that, my H coaches for a cricket club. It takes an enormous amount of work keeping up with training for him, planning sessions, organising multiple age groups, booking facilities, putting teams together, chasing people's availability.

He as done for about a decade, while also rushing back from a demanding job. People are increasingly ungrateful and fail to thank him. I used to help on the sidelines and got sick of being treated like shit by entitled parents so gave it up.

We are also both involved in other unpaid local political roles. Again, the assumptions about our 'fat cat' salaries are amazing. No, we don't get a penny for it, we just want to live in a nice area and for it to be run properly. Not just for us and our kids but because we believe in community.

YANBU at all OP but like others I do wonder if they actually realise that all your time is completely unpaid? Yes obviously they should still say thank you even if you were paid - I say thanks to my children's teachers even though they are paid for their job. But if I realised that someone was spending hours of their free time every week completely unpaid then I would make a point of thanking them much more profusely as it's a huge ask. Do the kids pay subs etc? In our junior/youth netball leagues the parents pay subs and the coaches and umpires are paid a small fee from this, not a huge amount but equivalent to £10 an hour or so and covers their petrol costs. Perhaps the parents assume the same here?

I would like to offer you my sincere and heartfelt thanks for the time, skill and dedication you have contributed to the cause of women's sport in my community 💐

Posters are saying this is all on women. It really isn't. The team I volunteer with - I am the only woman. I think different roles might be associated with male or female (mostly incorrectly) but there are many men volunteering out there too.

Its also probably irrelevant to the post - as I would assume they are not getting much thanks either.

Thanks op its so thankless at times. We always said thanks and did a collection for them. Hard on winter evenings too. All the time thats given to it. Our daughter plays sport so we know your efforts thank you

I think the at cost activities that are cheap are not valued in the same way that expensive paid for sessions are. That's been my experience over many years of running the local toddler group and after school activities/events like easter egg hunt etc. I volunteered as I wanted my DC to have these experiences but I never got to do the events or enjoy them as I was busy serving teas, welcoming people and mopping floors as those on the rota rarely showed up and I also spent time in the evenings organising and getting together resources for topics and was regularly out of pocket myself. It was totally thankless. By the time I had my 4th child I gave up and enjoyed just rocking up to events and thanking the organiser afterwards.

But, if asked, and with enough notice, you couldn't take a couple of hours off work to support your DD's club once a year? Or you couldn't ask another adult to attend in your place?

I fully appreciate that it's difficult if you work full time, but it's not impossible - after all, many Brownie leaders, Scout leaders, sports coaches, also work full time, have small children, but still manage to run clubs for other peoples children.

It used to drive me nuts when parents on a parent rota would complain that they didn't have time to volunteer 1.5 hours a year. I totally get that there are some that genuinely couldn't due to personal circumstances, but these are very few. I got fed up of the ones telling me that they wouldn't be home from work in time to help. I bet they'd manage to get home early if they were going out for the evening.

Was saying this yesterday.

People don't say thanks, and shame on them

YANBU, but basic manners is not so basic anymore.

My daughter is always bemused by how pleased her swimming coach is when she tells him thanks. She realised it’s because only one other person says thanks to him.

My friend went over to thank the teacher for giving up her time to take the kids on their overseas trip and she said the teacher got teary - not another child / parent had bothered to say thanks.

People are so ill-mannered and entitled these days - no please, thank you, excuse me or anything.

I gave up volunteering 4 years ago as I have no tolerance for ill -bred adults and their similarly ill -bred children.

Lord. A few of these replies.

I don't know what planet people live on if you think that volunteers skip into coaching/ scouts/ brownies events week after week after week loving it.

Yes, course it can be affirming & joyful and it's being part of something bigger than you.

But there are weeks you're absolutely knackered, had a shit day and would so much rather stay slumped infront of the TV than play games with 15 noisy 4-6 year olds but week after week you turn up.

Because you made a commitment.
Because they love it.
Because it gives their parents an hour off.
Because its great for their development.

Just say thank you at the end of the session. It's not hard.

some people are just weirdly stingy with saying thanks - it takes practically saving them from a burning building to warrant one. They act as if they get charged every time they do it. See also people who don't acknowledge you when you hold a door or let them out of a junction/pull over to let them pass while driving. It's very weird to me.

I have a theory they are the same people who hate to say sorry, whereas I see both as just the little niceties that make daily interaction much smoother. I say thanks to people serving me in a shop or any other jobs where they are literally getting paid to do, so let alone volunteers. It's very odd to me.

YNBU I make my DCs say thank you after every class/session they attend and these people are paid! Perhaps send out a follow up message saying "since not one of your have responded I take your silence to mean your DD won't be returning next year. Good luck finding another coach willing to train them for free."

Well this was a depressing read!

Sorry, op. I wouldn't write them off yet - has the message been read? - but omg some of the comments on here!

Same here, but slightly different
I did home tutoring for a local authority, and I always gave extra unpaid hours and resources to students ( and parents well aware of this)
At end of each session, not one thank you, card or acknowledgment
Still rewarding job, but personal thanks would make it special

@enchantedsquirrelwood
I think logic and common sense have a place in every decision made every day. It is hardly sanctimonious to recognize our own motivations and to be honest with ourselves about why we choose to do the things that we choose to do. I hope that I never expect more from others than I am prepared to give.

I volunteer at a number of activities and am often thanked, but I also try to always acknowledge and thank the individual or group for providing me with the opportunity to do something that gives me so much pleasure. I do this because I gain pleasure from my volunteer activities.