Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2023 19:04

LadyMingeBagOfFallopianshire · 31/10/2023 18:58

If he's been raped 3 times before surely he'd be very cautious about certain situations he'd be getting himself into?

You’d do well to delete this reply yourself. Lets not post online, or in fact say anywhere, that a victim is to blame for being raped. There’s one person to blame for that, the rapist. It is extremely harmful to victims everywhere for you to make this off the cuff comment that “oh shouldn’t they have been more careful”. Truly disgusting and I can only hope you’re not a parent.

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 19:05

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:54

The other alleged rapes weren’t me.

Small mercies

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:05

I do not have to behave like a professional when I am not at work. That’s my free time which has absolutely no effect or reflection on my ability to be professional in work or the decisions I take.

You think no medical professionals drink, smoke or take drugs? Even though they advise their patients not to?

I am protecting children at work, I have no children under the age of 20 in my personal life.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 19:06

@Mrsttcno1 No one's saying he's to blame for being 'raped.' I assume the PP meant that what he's saying is probably BS.

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 19:06

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:57

I have worked in CS for 20 years. I have never been drugs tested. Neither has anyone I work with.

They have better things to worry about than what peoples personal choices are in their free time.

So you’re… mid forties?

Countdown2023 · 31/10/2023 19:09

@InstantDestiny Get this thread deleted

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:10

Why should I get this deleted?

OP posts:
Fernticket · 31/10/2023 19:11

Shelaydownunderthetable · 31/10/2023 17:16

Christ, so much judgmental, naive, pearl-clutching behaviour going on on this thread.

OP, you know you’ve fucked up, but you also haven’t asked to be harassed and blackmailed, which it sounds like this guy is doing (unless of course you have sexually assaulted him - in which case - he is well within his rights to report you to the police, but probably not demand more blackmail coke money from you).

If you haven’t already, write down a record (with evidence) of your interactions with this guy ASAP.

The way I see it you’ve got three options:

  1. Keep paying and engaging with him
  2. Tell him that you’re concerned about what he’s perceived has happened, and are planning on reporting his concerns to the police to be investigated - I don’t think that he’ll actually want this to happen and it might either make him go quiet, but it also risks riling him up further in drug-fuelled panic
  3. Screenshot everything, evidence everything, write everything down, save the voice notes somewhere safe, and then block him. Move on. Find a therapist you can talk to about this. I would be tempted to do this option.

Option 3 if I was you.

flapjackfairy · 31/10/2023 19:13

the thing is that soc services remove children from parents who are drug users and live a risky lifestyle so how can you tell other parents what is acceptable and then be a drug user yourself ! Even if you don't have young children at home.
So of course it impacts on your ability to be professional because your values are skewed.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:15

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:10

Why should I get this deleted?

Depends if your going to police or not but posting the messages could spell trouble .

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:15

So anyone who works with children shouldn’t drink or smoke either, away from work?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2023 19:16

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 19:06

@Mrsttcno1 No one's saying he's to blame for being 'raped.' I assume the PP meant that what he's saying is probably BS.

No. What the poster was saying is that if he had been raped before he would or should have ensured he wasn’t in the position to be raped again, hence “surely he’d be very cautious about situations”. To be clear, no part of being raped is the victims fault, regardless of what “situation” they find themselves in.

You were not there, and the only version of events you have to go off are those of the alleged rapist. So you must have some special mind reading powers to be able to presume that he’s “probably” lying. Out of curiosity, how many rapists do you know of that freely admit their crimes online for the public to see?

I’m not saying it is true or false, because I simple cannot know from only this perspective, NEITHER CAN ANYBODY ELSE HERE. OP could tell us a pack of lies and so many of you are jumping to assume he’s lying, why?

I do wonder how quickly you would all change your tune if the gender roles were reversed here, but regardless, do better.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2023 19:17

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:15

So anyone who works with children shouldn’t drink or smoke either, away from work?

If you can’t see the difference between drinking/smoking, and a Class A drug, I think you are the one with a serious issue.

flapjackfairy · 31/10/2023 19:18

Well drinking and smoking is one thing and doing a lot of coke is entirely another.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:19

Not sure why I would rape someone or sexually assault someone and then come online to discuss it and subject myself to this level of scrutiny.

I am not a sexual offender, I have never hurt anyone in my life physically or sexually.

I was genuinely upset and scared and wanting advice.

OP posts:
CoolShoeshine · 31/10/2023 19:19

His message says that’s there are two things you need to do but then only mentions one thing? What was the other thing he was asking of you?

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:19

In my vast experience, alcohol is the worst drug of them all.

OP posts:
Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 19:19

Op if you were early 20s, might make more sense

but you must be minimum early 40s

That is…. Odd and off

OhComeOnFFS · 31/10/2023 19:20

I would be very tempted to go to the police with this, OP. He's demanding money from you and threatening you.

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 19:20

do you have any friends op?

ReverseFerret · 31/10/2023 19:21

Works in children's services yet uses coke which is facilitated by the abuse, murder and trafficking of children and vulnerable adults.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 31/10/2023 19:22

The OPs coke use isn't the issue here.

The issue is the unhinged harassment and blackmail which may have happened, coke or no coke.

MrsMarzetti · 31/10/2023 19:22

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:15

So anyone who works with children shouldn’t drink or smoke either, away from work?

Alcohol and tobacco are legal. drugs are not. You are a middle aged professional with adult children so you really should know the difference. Maybe it is time to grow up and stop pretending you are a teenager.

beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 19:22

for those claiming the OP for engaging in bad choices in her personal life: This very sexually promiscuous-lunatic-coke-head-blackmailer with some serious double standards is a well known person in "religious circles", I believe he's the one who poses much more of a threat to the community than the OP. And yes, he has more to loose than her. As for other posters calling the OP "sexual abuser" it's quite laughable and we've had the opinions of a police officer already stating where the OP stands -legally speaking-.

ReverseFerret · 31/10/2023 19:23

flapjackfairy · 31/10/2023 19:13

the thing is that soc services remove children from parents who are drug users and live a risky lifestyle so how can you tell other parents what is acceptable and then be a drug user yourself ! Even if you don't have young children at home.
So of course it impacts on your ability to be professional because your values are skewed.

I don't think the OP realises she is a massive hypocrite who doesn't understand the idea of conflict of interest

Swipe left for the next trending thread