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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:23

Alcohol is the most evil drug which I have seen destroy way more lives than some recreational drugs. If it was a new drug it would be illegal and a class A.

OP posts:
forjustnow · 31/10/2023 19:24

OP, while I think this man is an utter horror you might what to check where you stand with your regulatory body. I’m a teacher and know that behaviour such as yours, even when nothing to do with the workplace, is enough to cause trouble.
its likely you’re signed up to a similar code of conduct.

Should I be contacting the police.
LooksABitElvish · 31/10/2023 19:25

“I do not have to behave like a professional when I am not at work. That’s my free time which has absolutely no effect or reflection on my ability to be professional in work or the decisions I take.”

OK, but will your employer/local community/client base feel the same way if you do end up in the paper accused of engaging in drug fuelled incidents? Nothing you can do about that one now as it is in the past but it is worth bearing in mind before you plan any future social events.

Freedia · 31/10/2023 19:26

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:15

So anyone who works with children shouldn’t drink or smoke either, away from work?

Are you kidding me? We’re not talking about smoking or drinking we are talking about illegal drugs. Class A drugs at that. You might think taking cocaine is no big deal but I can assure you that the law does not agree with you. You can be sent to prison in this country merely for procession of cocaine, and there are good reasons for this law.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:26

No, I am not signed up to a code of conduct 👍🏻

OP posts:
LickChit · 31/10/2023 19:26

This guy sounds absolutely fucking deranged. Block him on all channels and don’t engage with him anymore. If he harasses you, you should report HIM to the police. All this ‘rape’ stuff is bollocks and he obviously has some serious issues he is projecting on to you. Stop entertaining it.

And think carefully about the company you keep and the drugs you take. Taking Coke all weekend and fucking strangers might be rock & roll fun for a short window in your youth, but for Gods sake woman, you’re grown and work in children’s social care. Fix up!

Bassetlover · 31/10/2023 19:28

Don't forget to block him on all your social media including Linkedin, etc

LooksABitElvish · 31/10/2023 19:28

And take the advice of the police officer up thread and report this guy. He sounds an absolute wrong ‘un and you need to cover your back.

Littlelucas · 31/10/2023 19:29

How bloody scary - he sounds deranged.

He won't do any of the things he's threatened, especially as he is a - as you say - minor celeb who works in "religious services". He is obviously just trying to extort money from you - I bet you're not the first either.

Block and ignore and keep all evidence of nasty messages etc in case it escalates (I doubt it will now he has £200-odd quid off you - enough for his next coke fix)

No judgement from me OP but let this be a lesson to you to treat yourself with more care in future and not hang around with degenerates - if you lie with pigs, don't moan when you get covered in shit.

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 19:29

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:23

Alcohol is the most evil drug which I have seen destroy way more lives than some recreational drugs. If it was a new drug it would be illegal and a class A.

And you went for it with both substances.

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 19:29

Mumsnet judgeypants hoiked so high they're over their eyes.

OP, do have a think about the 'partying' you do and whether it's ethical or sustainable.

But in the meantime - message him back that you have already dealt with his bad-faith accusations face to face. If he or any associates contacts you again you'll be forced to report his blackmail attempts to the police, and as part of that process you'll be asked to hand over any screenshots or text messages.

Don't say anything which veers away from this into accusations or defenses - stick closely to this factual account. For example, don't say 'and i bet you wouldnt' want those screenshots publicised' or anything like that.

I don't think you should go to the police unless he contacts you again after you've replied as above.

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 19:31

Mid forties minimum

i can’t imagine how shit you felt on the coke comedown and hangover 😂

3 weekends in a row no less

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:32

I think I want to go to the police so they can take his messages and then I can block him.

OP posts:
Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:33

And as Calamity says, he’s a bully and he won’t expect me to fight back.

OP posts:
Freedia · 31/10/2023 19:34

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:23

Alcohol is the most evil drug which I have seen destroy way more lives than some recreational drugs. If it was a new drug it would be illegal and a class A.

Well that’s your opinion, many people would agree with you and you are entitled hold any belief you have. But that’s really not the point that posters are making is it? The law isn’t doesn’t care about what you or I think. The law just is. And the law says cocaine is illegal, I think that’s what people are trying to tell you.

bonzaitree · 31/10/2023 19:34

Block him on everything.

If the police come (highly unlikely) don’t say anything. Get a good solicitor and follow their advice.

Learn from this!

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:36

I don’t need 5000 posts telling me it’s illegal to possess/take cocaine.

I am well aware.

OP posts:
Jet0301 · 31/10/2023 19:38

Fuckeditup1 · 31/10/2023 16:34

You shouldn’t be working for children’s services

This is harsh - plenty of people in children’s services will be doing this and worse on their christmas parties - they are human too and i don’t see how this affected her work as she wasn’t in on that day or the next? I think you’d be surprised just how much coke floats around these days.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:38

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:32

I think I want to go to the police so they can take his messages and then I can block him.

If you don't want to take it further they may be able to go and offer him some "words of advice" but in my force this would be classed as domestic related since you were intimately involved and he would be dealt with anyway , however it's unlikely the CPS would run it without a statement of complaint from you as the victim .

This man has likely got away with this behaviour several times . He's emboldened. He's basically said pay up else I'll accuse you of a sexual assault and get you out on the sex offenders register . For me that would be red rag to a bull . But I'm not you and I don't do recreational drugs.

There is however I presume no proof you partook ? You've paid up out of fear for the consequences he set out .

I'd let them deal with him as robustly as possible .

PleaseBePacific · 31/10/2023 19:38

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/10/2023 18:24

Either it’s you or it’s someone with a very similar story recently… who’d have thought it?! Hmm

Show quote history

Yep, I've definitely read this before too

Freedia · 31/10/2023 19:38

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:36

I don’t need 5000 posts telling me it’s illegal to possess/take cocaine.

I am well aware.

Good. Please learn from this and don’t fuck up your life with drugs. And for what it’s worth I think this guy is blackmailing you and I think you should tell the police.

LakeTiticaca · 31/10/2023 19:38

@InstantDestiny does he know your real name?

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:39

bonzaitree · 31/10/2023 19:34

Block him on everything.

If the police come (highly unlikely) don’t say anything. Get a good solicitor and follow their advice.

Learn from this!

I wouldn't advise this as a course of action .

Mammajay · 31/10/2023 19:39

What a terrible experience for you. I think I would try and speak to the sort of police officer who might deal with rape or domestic violence and tell them what has happened and ask for their advice. Perhaps then it won't play on your mind so much and if he contacts you again you will have already reported what happened.

Whataretheodds · 31/10/2023 19:39

Screenshot conversation so far.

Reply and state that you categorically reject his accusations of rape, and remind him that you paid him x amount on cash on Y date and A amount on Z date.

State that any further attempts to contact or blackmail you will be reported to the police.

Screenshot that

Block him

Stop taking coke.

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