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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:50

Saffron

This man is dangerous. He claims to have been "raped " three times , if thats by a woman it cannot have happened

He is blackmailing the op .

He has sent malicious messages and harassed her into sending £220 so far.

This man isnt a victim . He's a danger to women .

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 18:52

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:43

I haven’t messaged him since I told him I had sent money. And he replied with a voice note telling me what a vile, horrible cunt I am.

And what were your messages before then?

Just posting his messages gives a rather one sided view

CaroleSinger · 31/10/2023 18:52

So children's services and shed loads of coke? Nice.

LadyMingeBagOfFallopianshire · 31/10/2023 18:54

👀

saffronsoup · 31/10/2023 18:54

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:50

Saffron

This man is dangerous. He claims to have been "raped " three times , if thats by a woman it cannot have happened

He is blackmailing the op .

He has sent malicious messages and harassed her into sending £220 so far.

This man isnt a victim . He's a danger to women .

When someone is a victim, they don't have to use legally corrrect language in saying what happened to them. Is every woman has hasn't used the correct legal crimianal charge legal not a victim?

So if a woman says she is raped, calls the guy nasty names, asks for money she feels owed to her for stuff she bought and threatens to go public or to the police, we can say with conviction, she is liar and he is the victim and that no one should believe her and everyone should turn on her - especially if he says he didn't rape her - that what he says is the truth. All right then. There are a lot of women lying about being assaulted if this is how you decide who has been assaulted and who hasn't.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:54

The other alleged rapes weren’t me.

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 31/10/2023 18:54

If he's making this all up then he is a psycho. If he hasn't made it up he can report it instead of using it to extort money from you. Either way, it's blackmail.

You need to block him everywhere and disappear from anywhere he might be.

Just draw a line under it and massively rethink and improve your boundaries and choices.

ohsuzannah · 31/10/2023 18:54

Fuckeditup1 · 31/10/2023 16:34

You shouldn’t be working for children’s services

I agree with this. Disgusting behaviour and illegal. If you had a drugs test you'd be in trouble 😒

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 18:55

IDK why people are posting anything supportive of him, he sounds awful.

That OP sexually assaulted him is unlikely.

bombastix · 31/10/2023 18:56

You report that man to the police. He sounds dangerous to women and he will be back.

Does he know where you live?

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:57

I have worked in CS for 20 years. I have never been drugs tested. Neither has anyone I work with.

They have better things to worry about than what peoples personal choices are in their free time.

OP posts:
Aquestioningmind · 31/10/2023 18:57

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 18:55

IDK why people are posting anything supportive of him, he sounds awful.

That OP sexually assaulted him is unlikely.

You can't know that.

You don't know the OP.

You don't know what happened and tbh given the drink and drugs involved it's unlikely the OP even really knows what happened.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:57

No, thankfully he does not know my address or workplace.

OP posts:
LadyMingeBagOfFallopianshire · 31/10/2023 18:58

If he's been raped 3 times before surely he'd be very cautious about certain situations he'd be getting himself into?

Stomacharmeleon · 31/10/2023 18:58

I don't understand if you are so clued up about safeguarding and LADO etc why you haven't just blocked him and why you Continue to send him money.
Surely if he is 'famous' in religious circles he has more to lose than you or is this just about teaching him a lesson bydiscussing this publicly?

Hereward1332 · 31/10/2023 18:58

Not exactly the point, but is his message not an admission of dealing cocaine? He's demanding money for supplying you with coke.

supersop60 · 31/10/2023 18:58

LadyMingeBagOfFallopianshire · 31/10/2023 18:58

If he's been raped 3 times before surely he'd be very cautious about certain situations he'd be getting himself into?

You'd think.

Lizzt2007 · 31/10/2023 18:59

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:44

Can we just establish here, once and for all that I did not sexually assault this guy.

He sent me texts and porn about having a threesome after the alleged “rape”.

No op, we can't, because he's alleged that you did. Russel brand has stated that he's never assaulted or raped anyone, that it was all consensual. Did everyone believe his denials? No. They didn't. You may be think you did, he does.

Stomacharmeleon · 31/10/2023 18:59

And you might downplay coke but it's still a class A drug and I assume a sackable offence.

saffronsoup · 31/10/2023 19:00

supersop60 · 31/10/2023 18:58

You'd think.

Show quote history

How many times can a woman be raped before it is her fault and because of her own choices? Once or twice? (Given you have decided that three times means it is her fault)

ExtraOnions · 31/10/2023 19:01

Works in Children’s Services, and takes Coke … clearly zero fucks given about the children orphaned & enslaved by the cocaine trade.

lotsofdogshere · 31/10/2023 19:02

I’d block him and reflect on my need for drugs, drink and excitement with a man who raised a number of red flags before he started hitting you over the head with them.
you don’t say your role in children’s services but if it’s front line safeguarding I’d say you need to reflect and review the way you spend your leisure time. Effective compassionate professional support of the most vulnerable children in our country (and their parents) needs a grounded, well informed and dare I say, professional approach.

Chimpandcheese · 31/10/2023 19:03

If you want to keep a clean DBS (and your job) you might want to knock the coke on the head!

housethatbuiltme · 31/10/2023 19:03

As a female you cannot rape a man unless you have had a sex change... Rape is defined as 'unwanted penetration with a penis'.

Anything else is sexual assault (some SAs are actually far worse than rape before anyone want to wrongly say thats downplaying anything).

Just cut him off, he sounds insane but do not send him money, thats blackmail.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 19:04

@Lizzt2007 We don't know that he genuinely thinks he was assaulted. All we know is that he's using that claim to try and get money out of the OP.

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