Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:37

This was his message after that.

Am utterly sick and tired of women taking liberties. You should have paid for ur drugs bill and at least compensated me for my efforts and we go our separate ways.

Had enough of darkness monsters. And ur a fucking rapist. So this is better perhaps.

Imagine, you actually said you find it unattractive that ur rape victim is complaining.

What an utter cunt.

OP posts:
Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 31/10/2023 18:37

He says in his message you didn't deny it.

It does sound like extortion and would he even want his messages to get out?

I would message that you absolutely deny it if that's the case. You've already paid your way (if that's correct).and this is looking like blackmail, which is far worse than Recreational drug use in your free time.

Nicole1111 · 31/10/2023 18:37

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:27

LADO, please! 🥴

If you report it to the police they’ll have to tell the LADO while any investigation is ongoing, even if it’s no further action at the end of both enquiries.

creativegoblin · 31/10/2023 18:37

Archbishop Desmond Toot Toot ?

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:39

He's batshit.

Just get a station appt at your leisure , it's easy enough to email the messages to the officer dealing .

Did he ever ask you pay a specific amount ? For the "party bill"?

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:39

I didn’t deny it in text as when I did it gave to face it just made him angrier and I was scared so I just played it safe and have chosen not to refer to it.

OP posts:
Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 31/10/2023 18:39

Yep agree with others go to police, he is probably doing it to others.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:40

No I just panicked as I was upset and sent him another £100, which seemed to stop the abusive voice notes.

OP posts:
Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 18:40

Why aren’t you pasting your messages OP? 🤔

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:41

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 31/10/2023 18:37

He says in his message you didn't deny it.

It does sound like extortion and would he even want his messages to get out?

I would message that you absolutely deny it if that's the case. You've already paid your way (if that's correct).and this is looking like blackmail, which is far worse than Recreational drug use in your free time.

Op YOU MIST NOT UNDER ANY CIRCS MESSAGE HIM

Don't message anything. No denials. No nothing . It is not needed because what he is accusing you of does not exist in law

He is using it to scare you and blackmail you. No not reply . Go to police . He won't expect that one coming I guarantee it

BritneyBookClubPresident · 31/10/2023 18:41

I think you need to go to the police and explain the situation. Including saying you did not deny it as you were scared to escalate it all further

saffronsoup · 31/10/2023 18:41

beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 18:32

yeah.... because nothing speaks "sexual assault" like someone asking for money in exchange of not going to the police. ffs. Male or female this is blackmail of the highest degree.

Show quote history

But false allegations are so exceedingly rare that they aren't to be mentioned and he made the allegations immediately in the morning.

I would say many a victim of sexual assault has said they will go to the police or go public.

Remember after trauma - there is no right or wrong thing one can say or do. No way that a victim acts means they weren't assaulted. There is no perfect victim or perfect victim behaviour.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 18:43

If you report it to the police they’ll have to tell the LADO while any investigation is ongoing

Really? OP will be the victim of a crime she's reporting rather than the perpetrator, and also there was no child involved.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:43

I haven’t messaged him since I told him I had sent money. And he replied with a voice note telling me what a vile, horrible cunt I am.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:44

I'd also get this thread taken down . But please go to police op. I wonder how many times this has worked for him .

Vitriolinsanity · 31/10/2023 18:44

How much coke does £120 cover? His message primarily seems to be demanding you cover your party bill (with extra menaces thrown in). I highly, highly doubt he'd do anything as he'd get hit with shit too.

Wakey wakey though. You lay down with dogs, you get fleas. As sanctimonious as you find some posts, I think you do need to reflect on your attitude to drugs in particular.

To the PP who said there won't be reference to drugs in a contract. You are right, but it absolutely will be stated in a policy, and that's what an employer will wield.

beatrix1234 · 31/10/2023 18:44

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:43

I haven’t messaged him since I told him I had sent money. And he replied with a voice note telling me what a vile, horrible cunt I am.

Don't engage further more with this deranged coke head vicar and just go to the police.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:44

Can we just establish here, once and for all that I did not sexually assault this guy.

He sent me texts and porn about having a threesome after the alleged “rape”.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:46

Don't delete anything. It's all evidence .

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 18:46

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:44

Can we just establish here, once and for all that I did not sexually assault this guy.

He sent me texts and porn about having a threesome after the alleged “rape”.

Even better!

Listen op you are the victim here . Not him. And that's why I'm urging and willing you to go to police .

saffronsoup · 31/10/2023 18:47

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:44

Can we just establish here, once and for all that I did not sexually assault this guy.

He sent me texts and porn about having a threesome after the alleged “rape”.

No you can't establish that. The accused perpetrator can't just decide they didn't assault. And behavour and conversations about sex after the fact have no bearing on whether or not a sexual assualt took place. From his perspective, he is saying he wasn't fully consenting to some part of the sexual activity and you can't decide for him that he did consent. That isn't how sexual assault works.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 18:49

You are right, but it absolutely will be stated in a policy

IDK I think most places don't bother much about what people do in their spare time, unless it's somehow extreme and brings the profession into publc disrepute. They might 'wield' policies to this extreme if they have it in for someone for some other reason. Otherwise not.

The only place that's routinely that bothered about someone's occasional recreational drug use would be the army or something.

(Which isn't to say I don't think OP should stop it.)

Dragonsmother · 31/10/2023 18:49

Please screenshot the messages and record any voice messages.
This is blackmail- go to the police.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 31/10/2023 18:50

If it were me I would contact the police and just tell him I have had a brief sexual relationship with this guy. Say I haven't attempted to rape him or ask him to supply me with coke. I'm blocking his number but just want to put it on record in case anything more comes from these rants or he tries blackmailing others in a similar manner.

Them block him completely on all contacts - all numbers, social media, emails, apps etc.

Emotionalsupportviper · 31/10/2023 18:50

Clearspring1 · 31/10/2023 16:15

It won’t be the last time he contacts you for money. This is just the start.

Unless you report him.

This.

YOU go to the police. Tell them what has happened, that he bullied and frightened you into giving him money (this is blackmail).

Meanwhile block him on everything, change your numbers where you can, keep any texts and if possible record any calls.

BTW - women cannot commit rape as rape, by definition involves penetration with a penis.