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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
Bluehasnoclue · 31/10/2023 20:47

Have you posted about this man before & how you were concerned he might expose your drug taking & the impact it might have on your career? The situation from that respect is incredibly familiar to me.

I don’t have any helpful advice but I think clearly you need to stay away from him now.

All the best OP

Notamum12345577 · 31/10/2023 20:47

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:32

No he is known in religious fields 🙈🙈🙈

Not the Rev who goes on QI etc etc?! I won’t say his name, but he wears his dog collar all the time, apparently gay?!

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:48

No not that lovely rev

OP posts:
jlpth · 31/10/2023 20:49

Screen shot everything - photos, messages, everything. Type notes of voice messages. Take a video of the voice note playing, using another device. I would also use this other device to take photos of everything on your phone.
Print everything
File in a paper file, with dates and notes
Include copies of money leaving your bank account

If you don't make hard copies of everything and keep screenshots/photos on another device, you risk losing evidence in the event you need it.

I would not report it to the police
I would keep the file and if he contacts you again, then report him.
If he doesn't contact you, then all good, just keep the file.

And don't have sex with people you don't know very well. Sorry if that sounds preachy, it isn't meant to be. It more a safety thing. You have had a lucky escape this time.

Daz57 · 31/10/2023 20:50

Seriously risky behaviour on your part. I hope this has taught you a lesson.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 31/10/2023 20:52

Notamum12345577 · 31/10/2023 20:47

Not the Rev who goes on QI etc etc?! I won’t say his name, but he wears his dog collar all the time, apparently gay?!

Show quote history

He is definitely gay isn't he?

BakewellPud · 31/10/2023 20:53

Icepop79 · 31/10/2023 20:45

Victim-blaming much?
Do nice guys not drink?
Many professionals take drugs. Including people who work with children. The OP has already said she wouldn’t take drugs if she had work the next day. Same as a lot of people. I’ve never taken drugs, but I’ve worked with people who do use recreationally and it hasn’t impacted on their professionalism on the job.

OP had a fling with someone. There’s nothing to suggest that she had any idea that he was a manipulative blackmailer and extortionist. Why does she reap what she sows? Are you really suggesting she deserves to have a stream of abusive messages and demands for money?

Show quote history

I didn't say she 'deserves' what's happening. BUT I stand by what I say - you are the company you keep.
I advised she should contact the police if the harassment continues - but that maybe she should choose the company she keeps more wisely going forward
I don't agree with people doing coke and working with children
Does it go on? Of course - do I have to like it? No.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 31/10/2023 20:57

Given he went straight from accusing you of rape to asking for money, it seems like he has form. You need to get advice from a professional - a womens aid agency or a lawyer? I would be tempted to try to latter - you will probably have to pay, but it is worth it. Despite your defense of your behaviour people do get fired for stuff like this, so going to the police would not be my first choice if I were you. Aside from the ethical issues of drug use, a major issue for me is the kind of people you come into contact with/dont spot the red flags about when you are under the influence.

ThePoshUns · 31/10/2023 20:58

Stomacharmeleon · 31/10/2023 18:58

I don't understand if you are so clued up about safeguarding and LADO etc why you haven't just blocked him and why you Continue to send him money.
Surely if he is 'famous' in religious circles he has more to lose than you or is this just about teaching him a lesson bydiscussing this publicly?

Exactly this.
Also how many times have other posters told OP that you can only commit rape with a penis.
I would have thought someone in CP would have a basic understanding of sexual offences.
As I said up thread. I'd keep my mouth shut and learn from the experience. The police won't be interested in an alleged drug debt.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:58

jlpth · 31/10/2023 20:49

Screen shot everything - photos, messages, everything. Type notes of voice messages. Take a video of the voice note playing, using another device. I would also use this other device to take photos of everything on your phone.
Print everything
File in a paper file, with dates and notes
Include copies of money leaving your bank account

If you don't make hard copies of everything and keep screenshots/photos on another device, you risk losing evidence in the event you need it.

I would not report it to the police
I would keep the file and if he contacts you again, then report him.
If he doesn't contact you, then all good, just keep the file.

And don't have sex with people you don't know very well. Sorry if that sounds preachy, it isn't meant to be. It more a safety thing. You have had a lucky escape this time.

She hasn't had a lucky escape though

She's been assaulted and blackmailed out of £220 .

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:59

The op can get all the support and help she needs for free - from police , the only agency who can deal with this .

ThePoshUns · 31/10/2023 21:02

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:03

And another thing

The police cannot report you for using coke , it's not a crime to use . They can't tell your employer. And they won't

They will not judge you.

They will if she's a social
Worker. There would be a referral to the LADDO.

Notamum12345577 · 31/10/2023 21:03

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:48

No not that lovely rev

Ok, The Welsh guy who sung Walking in the air?!

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 21:05

I am speaking with the police and no it’s private 👍🏻

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 21:05

No there would not be a referral . And as I've advised , without proof of taking , unless op tells anyone , it's his word against hers

The question is only asked if a suspect works in a position of trust , not a victim .

Rocksonabeach · 31/10/2023 21:05

ThePoshUns · 31/10/2023 21:02

They will if she's a social
Worker. There would be a referral to the LADDO.

Show quote history

It is up to the police if you work in social services, teaching or children’s service there absolutely is safeguarding and codes of contract for starters look at your bloody contract!

a teacher using coke - instant sack - same for a social worker or Nurse …. It’s called safeguarding - and yes your employers have a right to know - I give up!

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 31/10/2023 21:10

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 18:57

I have worked in CS for 20 years. I have never been drugs tested. Neither has anyone I work with.

They have better things to worry about than what peoples personal choices are in their free time.

I find this rather odd. I don't live in the UK, but many, many, workplaces here do random drug testing.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 21:13

a teacher using coke - instant sack- same for a social worker or Nurse

Not really unless it was at work, I don't think.

LakeTiticaca · 31/10/2023 21:14

Notamum12345577 · 31/10/2023 20:47

Not the Rev who goes on QI etc etc?! I won’t say his name, but he wears his dog collar all the time, apparently gay?!

Show quote history

Yes he's gay x

LakeTiticaca · 31/10/2023 21:15

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 31/10/2023 20:52

He is definitely gay isn't he?

Show quote history

Yes he is gay x

DZbornak · 31/10/2023 21:16

Convinced this is the guy who made a name out of singing the theme song in The Snowman, even though he didn't actually sing the song that was in the film.

LakeTiticaca · 31/10/2023 21:17

What is LADO?

Coolblur · 31/10/2023 21:17

The hypocrisy of living such a lifestyle while working in children's services

AllieCat5 · 31/10/2023 21:17

OP - you’ve posted you’re speaking to the police. I hope you are. This bloke sounds like he has form. If I were in your shoes, I’d follow @capabilityfrowns advice to the letter. I hope this all gets resolved quickly and this bloke leaves you alone.

porridgeisbae · 31/10/2023 21:21

@LakeTiticaca Apparently 'The Local Authority Designated Officer (LADO) is the person who should be notified when it has been alleged that a professional or volunteer who works with children has: behaved in a way that has harmed a child, or may have harmed a child.'

Not applicable to OP at all as far as we know.