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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:18

quietnightmare · 31/10/2023 20:15

@capabilityfrowns

There was zero 'victim blaming and scaremongering' from me but you already knew that

I said I apologise. There are several posts that are victim blaming. I wasn't singling you out for that .

I'm keen for the op to find her courage and deal with this criminal .

BitchBrigade · 31/10/2023 20:19

Man OP, it sounds like you have some incredible fodder on this guy. Maybe the Daily Fail would be interested depending on how prominent he is?

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:19

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:17

That’s why I haven’t blocked him as all the photos etc will be gone

That's fine - just let police download the phone , then you can block to your hearts content .

If he does message again totally ignore .

Cosycover · 31/10/2023 20:20

Lackinginspiration1 · 31/10/2023 16:27

Pretty sure taking cocaine isn’t up there with acceptable behaviour for people working in children’s services!

Lol. What world you living in?

I know doctors who take coke. Nursery and primary teachers too.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:20

BitchBrigade · 31/10/2023 20:19

Man OP, it sounds like you have some incredible fodder on this guy. Maybe the Daily Fail would be interested depending on how prominent he is?

Again, it good advice .

Not the way to deal with this .

AnneValentine · 31/10/2023 20:20
  1. whatever your career you’ve exercised very poor judgement.
  2. it is actually possible given how intoxicated you were it’s very possible you did what he’s accused you of and have no memory of it / misread the situation.
  3. download messages and block.
  4. if you go to the police expect him to file the same report. The fact that you didn’t deny it and gave him money looks bad.
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:20

*not good advice I mean

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:22

AnneValentine · 31/10/2023 20:20

  1. whatever your career you’ve exercised very poor judgement.
  2. it is actually possible given how intoxicated you were it’s very possible you did what he’s accused you of and have no memory of it / misread the situation.
  3. download messages and block.
  4. if you go to the police expect him to file the same report. The fact that you didn’t deny it and gave him money looks bad.

The fact she paid doesn't make one iota of difference, she was scared and did what he told her . That's actually worse for him than her .

I'm really concerned some of these misguided comments could prevent the op or anyone else in this situation from accessing help .

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 31/10/2023 20:25

Sorry OP, it sounds like a horrendous situation. It’s blackmail, pure and simple. I can only advise you to go to the police - he may well have form for this sort of behaviour.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:26

Op , I'm sorry I've rather dominated your thread but I'm so keen for you to access help and support and get this low life predatory criminal to account for his actions

Please don't be put off going to,police . Many here may mean well , it are misguided and many are quick to blame you for the situation you've found yourself in, but police would not .

I hope you can find the courage to report him. I'm so sorry this happened to you . It's quite empowering to see men like this squirm . You don't have to take this and do nothing . You would be supported .

muckandmerriment · 31/10/2023 20:30

If he's messaging you on WhatsApp you can export the whole chat into a file and save it. Click on the name at the top of the chat thread and scroll down the page to Export Chat. It doesn't save images but you should screenshot everything as well.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:31

Thanks @capabilityfrowns you have been super helpful

OP posts:
BakewellPud · 31/10/2023 20:31

You lay with dogs, you catch fleas.
You obviously knew this guys reputation.
Would you be drinking and 'doing coke' with a nice guy?
Should you be doing drugs and working with children?
You reap what you sow with the types of people you surround yourself with. In future I would choose more wisely.
In the meantime block him and do not respond.
If the harassment continues then yes, I would contact the police - but give it a couple of weeks, he may get bored when he gets no response.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:32

That was super helpful, thank you

OP posts:
NewUsernameJT · 31/10/2023 20:32

Sounds like a nutter. Block on all devices and socials. Move on. Lesson learnt. Stop drinking/doing drugs

travelnorth · 31/10/2023 20:34

There is a possibility that he does this all the time. Block and move on.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:35

@muckandmerriment my thanks was to you too.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:37

Don't lose the voice mails though , once the police have downloaded your phone you can block and get rid .

Freedia · 31/10/2023 20:39

OP this will be the last post I make but the more I think about this the more I think you need to tell the police. I imagine they will know exactly how to deal with this. I also think if you don’t tell the police this guy will do it to someone else.

As for you admitting to being in possession of cocaine I don’t think that’s actually proof of being in possession of cocaine. You have only admitted to being in possession of a substance you believe to have been cocaine but without testing it how can anyone be sure it was actually cocaine? It could have been icing sugar for all you know. I really think you would find the police sympathetic and wanting to help. If you’re scared just call 101 from a phone box or something.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2023 20:39

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:26

Op , I'm sorry I've rather dominated your thread but I'm so keen for you to access help and support and get this low life predatory criminal to account for his actions

Please don't be put off going to,police . Many here may mean well , it are misguided and many are quick to blame you for the situation you've found yourself in, but police would not .

I hope you can find the courage to report him. I'm so sorry this happened to you . It's quite empowering to see men like this squirm . You don't have to take this and do nothing . You would be supported .

You have given the OP a lot of good advice and direction here, but you really need to remember (as I’m sure you are aware, given your career) that there are two sides to every story, and the OP has also been accused of rape, it’s her that has been accused of being a “predatory criminal”.

You were not there, you haven’t spoken to the other party, you haven’t looked at any evidence, you are purely going off one person’s version of the events which by nature are biased. You CANNOT assume based on only the information that you have that this man is not also a victim, and I would hope that you would have exactly this same attitude if you were advising him. If what he says is true then he also does not have to do nothing, he can also go to the police and he also will be supported.

Notamum12345577 · 31/10/2023 20:39

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:55

Pretty sure using coke isn’t acceptable in ANY career.

I haven’t said how much or how often I drink or use drugs, I actually have a right to a private life, away from work.

A lot of blue light services also behave use/have casual sex as do a lot of teachers and social workers. Also I haven’t said what I do, I could be admin. Also a lot of these same people are perpetrators of DA.

Anyway, as I said in my OP I wasn’t asking for judgement.

Yes you have a right to a private life, but that doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want. In my job for example, I cannot take drugs ever, they can do random drug tests and if I fail I’m out, doesn’t matter if I took it when I was off work for a weekend etc.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 31/10/2023 20:41

Follow @capabilityfrowns advice which is based on knowledge of police procedure. I'm sure you have had enough of a shock to think hard about your recreational activities in future but you have been assaulted and blackmailed by this person.

TwinkleDinkleStarDar · 31/10/2023 20:43

Download a screen recording app so you can screen record all the messages with his number showing and record all the voice messages, then block him

Formel · 31/10/2023 20:43

Considering his messages make plain that he was supplying you with drugs, I think he has a lot more to worry about than you do. I agree with everything @capabilityfrowns has said.

Icepop79 · 31/10/2023 20:45

BakewellPud · 31/10/2023 20:31

You lay with dogs, you catch fleas.
You obviously knew this guys reputation.
Would you be drinking and 'doing coke' with a nice guy?
Should you be doing drugs and working with children?
You reap what you sow with the types of people you surround yourself with. In future I would choose more wisely.
In the meantime block him and do not respond.
If the harassment continues then yes, I would contact the police - but give it a couple of weeks, he may get bored when he gets no response.

Victim-blaming much?
Do nice guys not drink?
Many professionals take drugs. Including people who work with children. The OP has already said she wouldn’t take drugs if she had work the next day. Same as a lot of people. I’ve never taken drugs, but I’ve worked with people who do use recreationally and it hasn’t impacted on their professionalism on the job.

OP had a fling with someone. There’s nothing to suggest that she had any idea that he was a manipulative blackmailer and extortionist. Why does she reap what she sows? Are you really suggesting she deserves to have a stream of abusive messages and demands for money?