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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:57

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 31/10/2023 19:57

What a mess.

Do the police have a duty of care to report you for being a druggie and working in child services? I don't know the answer.

Did you use objects to penetrate him if he was not fully aware what was going on?

Depending on the above I'd decide whether or not to report to the police or not. I don't think you should have paid him money but I fully understand that you thought doing so would make the problem go away.

Are you ok yourself by the way? Safe sex only? He sounds like he wouldn't necessarily be responsible enough to ensure condoms were worn properly?

No police do not

quietnightmare · 31/10/2023 19:58

Im confused. Some posters are calling the man a 'predator' and that the OP has been assaulted. Have I missed something I thought the OP is the one being accused of sexual assault and the male is blackmailing the OP?

Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2023 19:58

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:52

All sorts of professionals get up to all sorts in their spare time.

I don’t live like a nun, no, but neither does my private life impact on my career.

I think this is such a naive attitude.

I am a single, sexually positive women. I got caught up in the moment with a guy and made a poor choice because my emotions were involved.

At work I am not using my emotions, I am
using my head .

The thing is though OP this just shows that what you do in your private life absolutely can affect your career. If you’re exposed publicly as someone who takes drugs, that does affect your career.

WearyAuldWumman · 31/10/2023 19:59

Screwballs · 31/10/2023 16:40

Name and shame him. Also fascinated to know that women can't legally rape? Is that true? What about trans? That's got to present some serious discrimination issues, no?

ISTR that the definition of rape requires the use of a penis, so a trans person can be charged with rape; if no penis is involved, only a charge of sexual assault can be made.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:00

Op listen to me

You dont sound young or daft .

If there is no prof you partook in the drugs , and he has no cctv etc then it's your word against his

What isn't your word against his is the texts you have as hard evidence he has blackmailed you and the pic of the bruise he gave you when he assaulted you.

The texts and voicemails from him are gold as far as evidence goes . Use it .

BlueGarters · 31/10/2023 20:02

Well the fact you know how children are exploited and abused and get involved with county lines means you really shouldn’t work in children’s services. You are also open to blackmail as a drug user, this has happened and this is exactly why certain professions need to be squeaky clean.

Block him and stop doing illegal drugs.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:02

quietnightmare · 31/10/2023 19:58

Im confused. Some posters are calling the man a 'predator' and that the OP has been assaulted. Have I missed something I thought the OP is the one being accused of sexual assault and the male is blackmailing the OP?

Yes you've missed where he assaulted her by bending her arm back and bruising her when she referred to a journalist who,write an unflattering article in him and the fact he has a,ready blackmail ed her out if £22O .

He's threatening her with the rape allegation to control her ,and blackmail her

The crimes here are his . He is a predator.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2023 20:03

pumpkinpie25 · 31/10/2023 19:53

Some absolutely vile, victim blaming posts on here. You should be utterly ashamed.

Op don't engage any more with this trash. Block him. Forget about him.

I think it would be worth you having a proper read back over of the posts before you talk about victim blaming on this post.

You’re getting one version of events here which is by nature very biased, and even within that OP has said she has been accused of rape. You don’t know if that has or hasn’t happened because you simply were not there, and you only have the accused rapists version of events. OP has been a victim of blackmailing and assault yes, but you simply do not have the information, context or knowledge to state with certainty than the other person involved in this is not also a victim.

Stomacharmeleon · 31/10/2023 20:03

You still haven't addressed why you can't just block him?
Awaiting the related articles when someone in the media try's to work out who the religious coke head is....

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:03

And another thing

The police cannot report you for using coke , it's not a crime to use . They can't tell your employer. And they won't

They will not judge you.

quietnightmare · 31/10/2023 20:05

@capabilityfrowns

Ok. Calm down I only asked. And you claim to be a police officer 🙄

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:06

If I block him I will lose the messages

OP posts:
Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:06

And photos and media links

OP posts:
DD4yrs1 · 31/10/2023 20:07

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:06

If I block him I will lose the messages

Not if they're on WhatsApp you won't. How were the messages sent?

Lovelyweatheragain · 31/10/2023 20:07

Fucking hell, OP, he sounds very very emotionally unhealthy (to put it mildly). Please don’t take this episode lightly. Please think about what warning signals there were early on, to avoid anything like this happening again. I hope you’re ok

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:07

I mean when we drug test people in custody they cannot be prosecuted for what is already in their system .

It's complicated . But the op won't be in trouble for using . And unless there is proof she did - then it's one word against another

The fact is the messsges are hard evidence of HIS crime

tpxqi · 31/10/2023 20:08

More fool you for being a moron. And behaving like that.

Stomacharmeleon · 31/10/2023 20:08

Screenshot them.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:08

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:06

If I block him I will lose the messages

Screenshot them .

Any voicemails let the police have first and then block .

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:09

quietnightmare · 31/10/2023 20:05

@capabilityfrowns

Ok. Calm down I only asked. And you claim to be a police officer 🙄

I apologise I'm getting frustrated with the victim blaming and scaremongering which could prevent the op from reporting. This really does need reporting.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:14

There’s a lot so am hoping if I do it they can just download it all from my phone as a lot of them are voice messages telling me I am a cunt and then inviting me around.

Going on and on that I am a “trauma” girl
and what a fucking expert he is on everything because I am waiting for trauma therapy for PTSD from a previous relationship.

OP posts:
quietnightmare · 31/10/2023 20:15

@capabilityfrowns

There was zero 'victim blaming and scaremongering' from me but you already knew that

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 31/10/2023 20:16

PleaseBePacific · 31/10/2023 19:38

Yep, I've definitely read this before too

Show quote history

In that case why hasn’t this woman blocked him, ceased contact with him and/or reported it to the police?

I think what he’s doing is abhorrent and appalling, I haven’t had the same but have had stalking and trying to embarrass me and threaten me. But what I don’t understand is why it’s escalated and why OP ignored the advice before?

It just seems very very similar and a strange coincidence if it’s a different poster and scenario. And I don’t think it’s a troll either.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 20:16

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:14

There’s a lot so am hoping if I do it they can just download it all from my phone as a lot of them are voice messages telling me I am a cunt and then inviting me around.

Going on and on that I am a “trauma” girl
and what a fucking expert he is on everything because I am waiting for trauma therapy for PTSD from a previous relationship.

Your phone (voicemails and messages) can be downloaded op. Just don't delete anything.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 20:17

That’s why I haven’t blocked him as all the photos etc will be gone

OP posts:
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