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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I be contacting the police.

496 replies

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:12

I am not asking for judgement firstly.

I have name changed but I am a LT poster.

I was dating this guy, it was casual and there were quite a few red flags which I stupidly ignored. He is kind of well known publicly, but has massive delusions of grandeur and very self important and possibly NPD. Not really that important publicly as he thinks he is.

I spent a few weekends at his, we had A LOT of sex, did coke and drank a lot. I paid for all my fuel to get there, took alcohol every time and gave him cash for anything else we got.

The third time I stayed there (by this point I had massive reservations) in the morning he woke up and accused me of attempting to rape him. I remember everything that happened and that did not happen. We had a lot of sex and at the end of the night he was tired and not into it. We went to sleep.

He told me to leave or he was going to call
the police, it was 8am, he was still drinking alcohol, I was worried about driving but wanted to get out of there, so left.

Since then he has sent me voice notes calling me a criminal, a rapist, a monster, an abuser.

He said I hadn’t paid my way, which I had, and that he was going to report me to my place of work (children’s services) and report me to the police because I hadn’t paid him, called me a cunt, not even a human, just really vile stuff.

I sent him more money as I panicked and was really upset and said if I haven’t paid my way I am sorry but he just kept calling me a rapist.

Now I have sent the money he’s gone quiet, but I am so shaken and upset. I don’t know whether to just mark it down to shite judgment on my part and move on or should I call the police as it’s blackmail, and I didn’t do anything untoward to him.

OP posts:
ClaraBourne · 31/10/2023 19:39

You did nothing many people don't also do. Only you can judge yourself on that.

The issue with the piece of scum you did it with and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I would tell the Police, maybe has form for extortion. Can you tell a close friend and get some support?

Jet0301 · 31/10/2023 19:40

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:36

I don’t need 5000 posts telling me it’s illegal to possess/take cocaine.

I am well aware.

how misguided MN users can be on how much coke is actually consumed in the UK - I don’t think you need to worry the OP, like others have said he’s not going to want this getting out. Don’t send anymore money and just block him. If he uses coke in the week or on the regular he’s likely to be incredibly paranoid anyway x

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:40

I don’t think I am going to forewarn him.

OP posts:
Startingoverinmy30s · 31/10/2023 19:40

Well aware but still take it and still making excuses for it……grow up and perhaps get some help for your substance abuse issues. Drug use and drugs trade causes untold misery to millions of people. Don’t play a part in it and try and do better.

Glassofwino · 31/10/2023 19:40

Does he come across this awful and vile in the public eye? His head needs a wobble

GirlOfTudor · 31/10/2023 19:41

Obviously what he's done is completely wrong... But would I want someone in children's services to be doing coke? Absolutely not. Disgusting.

DD4yrs1 · 31/10/2023 19:41

You work in children's services and go on weekend binges getting off your head on coke? Children's services absolutely dragged me through the dirt for occasionally smoking cannabis. As a teenager. Jesus christ.

I digress..

The guy is a nutter. Block and ignore.

bonzaitree · 31/10/2023 19:41

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:39

I wouldn't advise this as a course of action .

Show quote history

Why?

SofiYol · 31/10/2023 19:41

Do you know how many doctors and nurses take coke?

It was literally one of the first things we were told on our first day of university and warned that anyone caught on campus would be told to leave the course immediately.

I’m obviously not saying it’s right, but its used by professionals a lot more than you would think.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:41

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:40

I don’t think I am going to forewarn him.

Dont communicate with him what so ever . Nothing .

ACGTHelixA · 31/10/2023 19:43

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 16:55

Pretty sure using coke isn’t acceptable in ANY career.

I haven’t said how much or how often I drink or use drugs, I actually have a right to a private life, away from work.

A lot of blue light services also behave use/have casual sex as do a lot of teachers and social workers. Also I haven’t said what I do, I could be admin. Also a lot of these same people are perpetrators of DA.

Anyway, as I said in my OP I wasn’t asking for judgement.

having casual flings is one thing, doing illegal drugs is a whole different ball game and omg behavior's.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:43

I have taken a picture of a bruise he gave me when I told him I had read an unflattering article about him by a certain journalist, he bent my arm back behind my head and said if I ever mention his name to him again he’ll punch me in the face, and squeezed it so hard there was a purple bruise. I should have left then but I was over the limit.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 31/10/2023 19:43

I almost wish OP hadn’t mentioned the cocaine.

Lots of pearl clutching with people not realising how absolutely common place this is (not condoning, just a fact).

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:46

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:43

I have taken a picture of a bruise he gave me when I told him I had read an unflattering article about him by a certain journalist, he bent my arm back behind my head and said if I ever mention his name to him again he’ll punch me in the face, and squeezed it so hard there was a purple bruise. I should have left then but I was over the limit.

Ffs op.

Report him. So not only has he blackmailed you he assaulted you . You've got this guy bag to rights lass if you take the step and do it.

Personally . I'd deny drug use , he uses coke and he used and bought it . You just drank . He's then assaulted you , and blackmailed you out of £220 . The blackmail would be enough for this to go to CID or the dedicated DV team of detectives .

Stop overthinking. Report him.

Aquestioningmind · 31/10/2023 19:46

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:19

In my vast experience, alcohol is the worst drug of them all.

I don't think children are routinely stabbed on the streets because of alcohol...coke yes, alcohol, no.

WinterDeWinter · 31/10/2023 19:47

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:43

I have taken a picture of a bruise he gave me when I told him I had read an unflattering article about him by a certain journalist, he bent my arm back behind my head and said if I ever mention his name to him again he’ll punch me in the face, and squeezed it so hard there was a purple bruise. I should have left then but I was over the limit.

In that case I've changed my mind about waiting to go to the police - this is definitely something you should log immediately. Is the bruise still visible?

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 31/10/2023 19:47

InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:36

I don’t need 5000 posts telling me it’s illegal to possess/take cocaine.

I am well aware.

And yet you still take it and act like a messed up groupie all weekend, then proceed to go work with children, some likely very vulnerable, like you're a normal straight laced respectable person.

God, I hope none of the children's services professionals that I've seen in the past have behaved like you, I'd be horrified and I wouldn't want them anywhere myself or my children.

You can be as blasé over it as you like, but drugs are evil. They destroyed the lovely area I used to live in, I have zero tolerance for them or anyone that uses them.

You have made way more bad choices than just the unhinged 'celeb' you chose to bang, but yet you sweep those away like they're nothing.

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:49

It destroys way more families than drugs.

OP posts:
capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:51

This woman has been assaulted and blackmailed.

It's not her fault because she used drugs or drank. It's not her fault be her judgment was off. It's his fault . Stop with the victim blaming please

If sex worker gets assaulted or raped do you all think that's her fault too because she engages in risk taking ?

Stop. Please . This is disgusting quite frankly .

Op , I'm sorry this happened and I'm not judging you and I'm truly a police officer and I've worked in the dv team , please please report this man . This was not your fault .

Original poster
InstantDestiny · 31/10/2023 19:52

All sorts of professionals get up to all sorts in their spare time.

I don’t live like a nun, no, but neither does my private life impact on my career.

I think this is such a naive attitude.

I am a single, sexually positive women. I got caught up in the moment with a guy and made a poor choice because my emotions were involved.

At work I am not using my emotions, I am
using my head .

OP posts:
pumpkinpie25 · 31/10/2023 19:53

Some absolutely vile, victim blaming posts on here. You should be utterly ashamed.

Op don't engage any more with this trash. Block him. Forget about him.

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:54

Destiny

Don't engage further with those more interested in what you did or didn't do than the abhorrent actions of this man.

Focus on what you now can do to protect yourself and any other women who cross this predators path.

itsmylife7 · 31/10/2023 19:55

Just block him or change your phone number.

Don't give him money as that looks like "guilt money "

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 31/10/2023 19:57

What a mess.

Do the police have a duty of care to report you for being a druggie and working in child services? I don't know the answer.

Did you use objects to penetrate him if he was not fully aware what was going on?

Depending on the above I'd decide whether or not to report to the police or not. I don't think you should have paid him money but I fully understand that you thought doing so would make the problem go away.

Are you ok yourself by the way? Safe sex only? He sounds like he wouldn't necessarily be responsible enough to ensure condoms were worn properly?

capabilityfrowns · 31/10/2023 19:57

itsmylife7 · 31/10/2023 19:55

Just block him or change your phone number.

Don't give him money as that looks like "guilt money "

She's already £220 down . He's a predator .