Page 8 | To ask ds to leave home after this?

wrappedalready · 2023-10-31T13:20:07+00:00

I have 3 boys d.s.1 who is 23 and has moved out in the past but is back home at the moment. I also have ds2 who is 8 and ds1 who is 6 but ds1 is a bully to the youngest, he allows middle son into his room to play PlayStation and listen to music but won't let the youngest in so he's left crying outside his room. He is visibly irritated by youngest son for acting like any 6 year old child yet takes the 8 year old out buys him things and younger son is left in tears. I have called him out and he says he doesn't mind ds2 but not ds1. The youngest boys get on great when it's just them but when my adult ds is home he singles one out and then we have to deal with tears and tantrums. I'm thinking about asking him to leave if he won't treat them the same,it really doesn't seem fair that he's bullied by his big brother in his own home at 6.

PinkNailpolish · 31/10/2023 16:23

How has ds1 bullied ds3? I feel that 6 and 8 are quite different developmentally and maybe ds1 just gels with ds2 better. The 8 year old is probably better at gaming, less needy and can hold a conversation better. If ds1 takes the 8 year old out then that gives you 1 to 1 time with the 6 year old. Maybe ds1 will treat ds3 differently once ds3 is a bit older.

If ds1 calls ds3 names or hits him then that's not on.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 31/10/2023 16:25

PinkNailpolish · 31/10/2023 16:23

How has ds1 bullied ds3? I feel that 6 and 8 are quite different developmentally and maybe ds1 just gels with ds2 better. The 8 year old is probably better at gaming, less needy and can hold a conversation better. If ds1 takes the 8 year old out then that gives you 1 to 1 time with the 6 year old. Maybe ds1 will treat ds3 differently once ds3 is a bit older.

If ds1 calls ds3 names or hits him then that's not on.

He's isolating him/leaving him out of the group.

That is bullying 101!

SwingTheMonkey · 31/10/2023 16:31

loreau · 31/10/2023 16:17

This is quite funny.

Your eldest son finds younger child a problem so decides to solve the problem by ejecting him from his room. You find this a problem and decide to solve the problem by ejecting him from the house.

Can't you see that behaviour you think is so bad to warrant being told to leave the home is exactly the same as your own behaviour?

You need model the adult way to solve problems to your sons.

So you talk to your eldest son about what he finds annoying, what his trigger points are. You point out the problems this causes. You talk through ways in which the problem could be solved through a combination of behaviour modification on both side. Then you move forward.

Edited

What an absolute load of bollocks. Of course it’s not the same, the eldest is an adult, not a hormonal teenager who is struggling to control their emotions - heck, even my moody teenager steals himself to have a laugh with his youngest brother a couple of times a week. This person is an adult. A man. He doesn’t need support and help to modify his behaviour.

You have no right to live in the family home as an adult and behave whatever way you want.

Loubelle70 · 31/10/2023 16:34

19lottie82 · 31/10/2023 13:21

Is your DS1 annoying?

What's that got to do with anything? . Her other son is in his 20s!!! Youngest 6. Its singling out favouritism, i wouldn't have it, ever. OS would be gone

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 31/10/2023 16:40

I wouldn't allow it - it just sows division - if you pay extra attention to the 6 year old to make up for it, then the 8 year old will get jealous of that and it'll escalate.

As much as I'm all for teaching kids that they can't have everything all the time, and that gloating is not allowed. I'm also for teaching them that fair treatment is reasonable to expect in a family - and it's not fair for an adult to manipulate his younger brothers like this.

If he can't find a way to be reasonable to both of his younger brothers then yes, it's time for him to leave before any more damage is done to both of them.

Olive19741205 · 31/10/2023 16:45

loreau · 31/10/2023 16:17

This is quite funny.

Your eldest son finds younger child a problem so decides to solve the problem by ejecting him from his room. You find this a problem and decide to solve the problem by ejecting him from the house.

Can't you see that behaviour you think is so bad to warrant being told to leave the home is exactly the same as your own behaviour?

You need model the adult way to solve problems to your sons.

So you talk to your eldest son about what he finds annoying, what his trigger points are. You point out the problems this causes. You talk through ways in which the problem could be solved through a combination of behaviour modification on both side. Then you move forward.

Edited

I would ask anyone who treated my children so differently to leave my house...I wouldn't care who they are. Over my dead body would I watch my 6 year old standing sobbing whilst he watches 2 siblings leave him out.

Viviennemary · 31/10/2023 16:46

No I don't think I would kick him out of his home but might threaten it. His behaviour does seem a bit mean.

StaunchMomma · 31/10/2023 16:46

He's 23 going on 12, by the sounds of it.

In fact, most 12 year olds would understand that's not an OK way to treat a sibling.

Sounds like time for him to go.

OhmygodDont · 31/10/2023 16:48

I mean he probably finds the 6 year old just too young.

Just say he needs to not invite the 8yr old in if the 6yr old can’t come in sometimes.

I mean you can kick him out too but that’s just going to make him resent you and the 6yr old anyway. Possibly make the 8yr old blame the 6yr old too.

It’s a fine line you need to balance by not letting one always be left out but also not a well Ds1 is gone because of ds3 or ds2 can’t play with ds1 because of ds3 because that’s how ds2 will view it at 8. It will be I can’t play with brother because of you! Brother left because of you! So balance it carefully even this ds1 is an adult because it’s about how ds2 will view it aswell.

zingally · 31/10/2023 16:49

Frankly, a grown-ass MAN intentionally leaving out a small child... can just get in the bin.
THAT BEING SAID, it's also not really his job to cater to every whim of a 6 year old. He's his brother, not his parent. But as an adult, it's kind of expected that he should at least pretend to treat the two actual children the same, even if he actually likes one more than the other.

AbbeyGailsParty · 31/10/2023 16:56

A 23 year old adult knows this is unacceptable. To shut one child out while allowing the other to play with his gaming stuff is nasty. Taking one child out and buying him things while the other goes without is even nastier.
What do you think is the reason behind this?
He should definitely find his own place to live and visit when he can behave like an adult.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 31/10/2023 17:03

It's great your eldest gets on well with his younger brother but it can't be at the expense of the youngest. Either he treats both similarly or he doesn't have either in his room/out for trips. Threatening him with having to move out may focus his mind on why he is being so unkind (though a 23 year old adult shouldn't need this explaining). You will have to ensure that he is including both equally and kindly if he does stay. Kids won't always get on but at the moment your middle child is being rewarded for joining in bullying his younger brother.

Floralnomad · 31/10/2023 17:05

I wouldn't potentially ruin my relationship with the eldest by doing anything as extreme as kicking him out , that’s just overkill. However I would be telling him that in future he either lets the little one play or he plays with neither of them because it’s causing ructions .

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/10/2023 17:07

How cruel
He is an adult and if he can't be kind to both of them He needs to move back out
Your 6 year old will remember this and may well grow up feeling inadequate

ChampagneLassie · 31/10/2023 17:36

I’m really distraught for your 6 year old. It’s disgusting that your 23 yr old behaves like this. Yes a v stern talk, I’d expect him to behave like an adult and treat them equally and if he wont do that then he absolutely needs to leave.

caringcarer · 31/10/2023 17:52

Asking a 6 year old to not go in his room is not bullying. Maybe he likes the 8 year old more. That doesn't make it bullying. Do you like everyone you meet the same or find some people annoying? Why don't you do stuff with the 6 year old whilst your eldest entertains 8 year old. If you kick out your eldest because he doesn't want a 6 year old in his room touching his stuff do you think he will ever like the 6 year old, or just remember because of him he got kicked out from his home? You can't force siblings to get along. I like one of my sister's more than the others. I go on holiday with one but not others. Does that make me a bully too?

GabriellaMontez · 31/10/2023 18:48

You can't force siblings to get along

No, but you can insist that any adults in your home treat your 6 year old kindly.

Naunet · 31/10/2023 18:51

OswaldSpengler14 · 31/10/2023 14:56

People not giving others what they want isn’t “torment”. Not all will get prizes

Show quote history

Well there you go then, no need for mum to house a 23 year old anymore…

Mrsjayy · 31/10/2023 18:59

caringcarer · 31/10/2023 17:52

Asking a 6 year old to not go in his room is not bullying. Maybe he likes the 8 year old more. That doesn't make it bullying. Do you like everyone you meet the same or find some people annoying? Why don't you do stuff with the 6 year old whilst your eldest entertains 8 year old. If you kick out your eldest because he doesn't want a 6 year old in his room touching his stuff do you think he will ever like the 6 year old, or just remember because of him he got kicked out from his home? You can't force siblings to get along. I like one of my sister's more than the others. I go on holiday with one but not others. Does that make me a bully too?

Have you missed that it's a grown man sending a 6 year old away ? Don't you find that odd I definitely think it's odd.

ladygindiva · 31/10/2023 19:38

caringcarer · 31/10/2023 17:52

Asking a 6 year old to not go in his room is not bullying. Maybe he likes the 8 year old more. That doesn't make it bullying. Do you like everyone you meet the same or find some people annoying? Why don't you do stuff with the 6 year old whilst your eldest entertains 8 year old. If you kick out your eldest because he doesn't want a 6 year old in his room touching his stuff do you think he will ever like the 6 year old, or just remember because of him he got kicked out from his home? You can't force siblings to get along. I like one of my sister's more than the others. I go on holiday with one but not others. Does that make me a bully too?

Yes if one of your sisters is six and the other is 8.

curaçao · 01/11/2023 07:20

"the eldest is from a previous relationship"
Oh, and there we have it!

CornishGem1975 · 01/11/2023 07:25

Yeah I wouldn't stand for that OP. Be kind or start looking somewhere else to live. He's an adult.

BalletBob · 01/11/2023 10:58

caringcarer · 31/10/2023 17:52

Asking a 6 year old to not go in his room is not bullying. Maybe he likes the 8 year old more. That doesn't make it bullying. Do you like everyone you meet the same or find some people annoying? Why don't you do stuff with the 6 year old whilst your eldest entertains 8 year old. If you kick out your eldest because he doesn't want a 6 year old in his room touching his stuff do you think he will ever like the 6 year old, or just remember because of him he got kicked out from his home? You can't force siblings to get along. I like one of my sister's more than the others. I go on holiday with one but not others. Does that make me a bully too?

Are you genuinely not able to see the clear difference between a group of adults who do not live together mutually deciding how to spend their time, and an adult who is pointedly ostracising a 6 year old in his own home?

RantyAnty · 01/11/2023 16:02

loreau · 31/10/2023 16:17

This is quite funny.

Your eldest son finds younger child a problem so decides to solve the problem by ejecting him from his room. You find this a problem and decide to solve the problem by ejecting him from the house.

Can't you see that behaviour you think is so bad to warrant being told to leave the home is exactly the same as your own behaviour?

You need model the adult way to solve problems to your sons.

So you talk to your eldest son about what he finds annoying, what his trigger points are. You point out the problems this causes. You talk through ways in which the problem could be solved through a combination of behaviour modification on both side. Then you move forward.

Edited

This is the correct answer.
Calm communication, not threats.

It was likely difficult for the oldest first having a new 'dad' hoisted on him, and then being a teen and suddenly having not 1 but 2 infants in the house.

H007 · 01/11/2023 18:05

You’re annoyed that DS1 is preferring DS2 to DS3 yet you are showing preference to DS2 and DS3 over DS1. Surely DS1 should have a right to decide who he spends time with and who he doesn’t, perhaps DS3 is just annoying.