To ask ds to leave home after this?

[wrappedalready]

I have 3 boys d.s.1 who is 23 and has moved out in the past but is back home at the moment.
I also have ds2 who is 8 and ds1 who is 6 but ds1 is a bully to the youngest, he allows middle son into his room to play PlayStation and listen to music but won't let the youngest in so he's left crying outside his room.
He is visibly irritated by youngest son for acting like any 6 year old child yet takes the 8 year old out buys him things and younger son is left in tears.
I have called him out and he says he doesn't mind ds2 but not ds1.
The youngest boys get on great when it's just them but when my adult ds is home he singles one out and then we have to deal with tears and tantrums.
I'm thinking about asking him to leave if he won't treat them the same,it really doesn't seem fair that he's bullied by his big brother in his own home at 6.

I agree.

If DS1 was 10 then if would be different.

But he’s not, he’s a grown man who should know how to behave around young kids.

I find some of my adult work colleagues annoying.
I don’t do things to intentionally leave them out or upset them because I’m a grown woman and I’m not a dick.

He’s an adult living in a home with two children. He either moves out or treats them both the same.

If I were you and I felt it was affecting the youngest child’s well-being then yes I would. Your oldest child is fully developed and is past the stage of childhood trauma causing him long term issues however this could cause some issues for the youngest if it’s affecting him. I’d be telling he if it didn’t stop now then for him to pack his bags and not return until he grows up.

what do you mean

I think if you tell the eldest he can only invite both or neither then he'll opt for neither. I don't think he should be forced to spend time with a sibling in his bedroom if he doesn't want to.

FFS, why are so many of you "mums" on here not particularly motherly. If you don't have any sensible contribution to OP say nowt!
At 23 your eldest should know better. I would have a proper chat to him to find out why. If the youngest is pretty annoying, which I suspect he is (youngest are always the worst). Tell your eldest the next time he let's middle brother in his room/ takes him shopping that he needs to take youngest . but eldest needs to tell him what he expects of him ( behaviour wise) or it won't happen again.
Good luck

I don't think you can force someone to treat two people the same, exactly. DS2 is likely to be more mature and grown up and able to do things DS3 cannot. But I would say as a minimum he needs to take DS3's feelings into account and try to at least include him a little bit. I feel ridiculous for this but my heart is breaking for that poor boy who just wants to play with his big brothers who he looks up to, and just being met with a shut door.

Yes it's bizarre. I've noticed recently on more and more threads that posters tie themselves in knots just to be able to disagree with the OP. It doesn't matter what the thread is about...as long as they make the OP out to be in the wrong. There's some people actually blaming the 6 year old. A new low for Mumsnet.

It really is but equally it is a good reminder that not everyone in AIBU’s opinion is equally valuable to the OP. Some people seem to come on to be deliberately combative with the OP.

Yes not very maternal that for sure. If I were a bullying 23 year old I’d say with a username like that they’re probably a bored philosophy student bringing their softboi/edgelord superiority over to mumsnet to do a wind up, but I’m not, so I won’t 😊

In NO household of three children to do they all hang out together.

Surprisingly mine actually did.

I'd talk to 23 year old - as I grew up in a 3 kid household middle child and I was the one excluded and did blame myself - especially as was bullied at school as well. My parents tended to ignore it or say I was once the favourite before younger sister was born. I don't have a great relationship with either for many reasons - but I don't think it was me being annoying as more a power trip for older brother - he's got much more controlling as we've aged.

I've had to deal with DGP favoritism - luckily stopped with a chat or several when it happens- but I'd have a chat be very clear and if things don't improve have a plan for him moving out.

I think it’d be horrible of for you to kick your eldest out. The relationship between them would surely die if you did that. The relationship between you and him would suffer too.

Have you sticky sat him down to talk to him about what he’s doing?
I’d ban DS2 from going into DS1’s room until they can both play. It’s rather strange that he’s choosing to treat them so differently but kicking him out isn’t the answer, if you’d let him stay otherwise.

I understand your need to protect the youngest but I think there must be a better answer than kicking out your eldest.

It's reasonable for a 23yo to find a 6yo extremely annoying. It's reasonable for him to enjoy time with his 8yo brother.

It's unreasonable to invite the 8yo in and shut the door in the face of his 6yo brother. He's in the family homne and as part of that family it's his duty to treat everyone with fairness and courtesy. If he can't do that, he'd best find somewhere else to live.

"DS1, either both your brothers can play on the PS in your room or neither can. You're causing problems between them and you're bullying a small child. This needs to stop now; I know you're mature enough to behave better."

At 23 he can choose to live anywhere; the 6yo is stuck in a home where he's being bullied by his adult brother and has no escape from it. It's cruel.

(I do have a bit of sympathy wiht the 23yo, 6yo are hamfisted train wrecks a lot of the time and I wouldn't want them touching my tech at that age either)

I’m baffled by the comments about the eldest having more in common with the 8 year old and how the 8 year old is probably much more mature than the 6 year old. They’re 6 and 8 ffs, not 6 and 15! My 2 youngest were 6 and 8 last year and there was very little in it, maturity wise.

Op I’d lay down some rules. Eldest either starts treating his younger brother with some respect and stops being so bloody unkind, or he finds somewhere else to go. Middle child can play with eldest when youngest has gone to bed but obvious favouritism needs to stop. He’s treating ds3 poorly on purpose, which for a 23 year old is quite shocking.

That poster obviously means that in the OP, both the 23 yr old and the 6 yr old are called DS1.

I don't know why the 23 year old doesn't take turns about with his brothers if he finds both a bit much. His behaviour is immature and ridiculous !

Sounds like a horrible brother who is building up trauma for the 6 year old. First class bully. I'd tell him to move out.

There's a typo in the OP.

FFS, why are so many of you "mums" on here not particularly motherly. If you don't have any sensible contribution to OP say nowt!

Because it's half term and* *all the children little boys are on here obsessing about a typo and treating women like appliances.

Good thing DS1 has a father and a stepsister he likes. He can go live with them and stop creating a headache for the OP. She doesn't need to put up with a grown man causing problems for her in her own home.

Oh yes, in my OP I've got DD1 and DS3 muddled hopefully you could decipher which I meant when.

Oh god! DS1, it's been a long day.

I wouldn't allow any adult to live in the house who was treating my child like this.

We're all annoying sometimes. My own children annoy me. I'm not mean to them.

What an unpleasant home environment.

There is no impact on the welfare of your eldest if he moves out but there is significant impact on the welfare of your youngest if he stays. It’s a no brainier, he needs to go.

@CliantheLang

Exactly that. These posts aren't from mothers or even women (if they are god help us). I'm not particularly child centric but some of the spiteful crap I read on MN is pathetic.

The thing is, when you’re 6 you need your parents or an adult to advocate for you. Kind of a massive part of parenting??! When you’re 23 and ‘fighting’ with someone SEVENTEEN YEARS younger than you - not so much.

This is quite funny.

Your eldest son finds younger child a problem so decides to solve the problem by ejecting him from his room. You find this a problem and decide to solve the problem by ejecting him from the house.

Can't you see that behaviour you think is so bad to warrant being told to leave the home is exactly the same as your own behaviour?

You need model the adult way to solve problems to your sons.

So you talk to your eldest son about what he finds annoying, what his trigger points are. You point out the problems this causes. You talk through ways in which the problem could be solved through a combination of behaviour modification on both side. Then you move forward.