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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend in group keeps doing this

104 replies

Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:21

Would this annoy you…

Group of six friends, mums, jobs, busy lives. One person in the group when suggesting to meet up, if one of us can’t come, basically ignores that and wants to push ahead for the meeting. Whereas the rest of us will try to find a date that suits us all the next week etc. This friend never does and the excluded person who said they’re unable to meet due to work etc that day doesn’t get acknowledged on the texting and messages keep flying from this person about hoping they can all meet up that day etc
Is this rude/unkind?
Just a thing I’ve noticed has happened twice and a couple of other friends on the group have mentioned to me too…whereas the rest of us tend to make sure we get to an arrangement where we can all go out/meet?

OP posts:
alibongo5 · 29/10/2023 22:23

I think you just need to be firmer "no, X has said she can't make it that day so let's look at finding a date we can all make it". And repeat.

Discointhekitchen · 29/10/2023 22:25

well sometimes if you’re trying to get 6 working mums somewhere on the same day, you need to be looking at 6 months ahead, and then of course, 3 will inevitably drop out due to sick kids/ bad day at work/ DH going off cycling that weekend etc.

it’s murder.

In some ways, it’s better organising a date where most can make it, then make sure the person can come the next time.

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:28

@alibongo5 One of the friends (whose mentioned to me about this friend before) did message along the lines of ‘Let’s wait until we can all meet’ which was v kind, but as two other friends have messaged me tonight, she still does it…it’s almost like, ‘Well I want to go so’ 🤷🏻‍♀️Which I get, but, I don’t know, I always try to include everyone, unless they’re away/sick etc

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 29/10/2023 22:30

I think shes right. No date will suit all. Press agead and those that can will come

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:31

@Maddy70 It would literally be a few days to a week later

OP posts:
KookyAndSpooky · 29/10/2023 22:34

It depends how far back the meet-up date gets pushed. I'd probably suggest meeting on the closer date (that excludes one person) and agreeing a date for a future meet-up that everyone can do.

If your excluded friend's lack of availability only pushes a meet-up back by a week then YANBU.

theduchessofspork · 29/10/2023 22:36

It’s just a different approach.

It’s really hard to sort dates that suit everyone, and that’s before the cancelling starts

Anyway people can say if they don’t want to.

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:38

It’s also happened when one member couldn’t really afford the place she’d arranged, I still really wanted to go, but was sensitive to their situation, they didn’t seem to be as much

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:39

@KookyAndSpooky Said they could do at that weekend or the week after-potentially 3-7 days later

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:40

I didn’t really think about it much until these two other friends mention it, they also pointed out that this person is very sensitive to being left out of things. I always go out of my way to try to include everyone as I know it can feel shitty

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/10/2023 22:40

I had a group of 6 friends that waited til everyone was free to meet. We all drifted apart as it was just painful to organise everything and became a massive 'thing' when people met up separately. I'm with your friend, if you meet up frequently then it doesn't matter if people miss the odd one

mn29 · 29/10/2023 22:41

Ideally you choose a date/time everyone can do but in my group of 6 mum friends that would and does equate to about twice a year so sometimes someone has to miss out. Unless it’s always the same person being ignored, then it doesn’t seem too unreasonable to me.

MyEyesMyThighs · 29/10/2023 22:45

Better to have three meetings, where everyone can make one or two, than endless conversations trying to find the perfect date for everyone. Just sounds like a low faff tolerance, tbh, I wouldn't take it personally.

Moveoverdarlin · 29/10/2023 22:45

I’m in a similar group and we all revolve around one girl, who can never make it, tells us all the dates she can’t do, tells us she’ll get back to us, never does, in the meantime all the dates we could originally do, inevitably get booked up and we’re back to square one and never go out. I often want to just crack on without her to be honest.

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:46

@mn29 We meet more frequently than that, it was said it could be the week after…
No acknowledgment on the messages go that person though, just ignored..it’s rude

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:46

@Moveoverdarlin Well, yes, that’s a slightly different situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:48

@MyEyesMyThighs But when it’s the other way around and they can’t make it, it’s often expected for us to change it or assumed we would/should…

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 29/10/2023 22:49

If 5 can go ahead and 1 can’t, then I think it’s a fairly pragmatic approach to just go with the majority. Jeez you’d be faffing forever. Your mate just sounds like she’s cutting through the crap and getting stuff organised. YABU.

Aroma220 · 29/10/2023 22:51

If it’s only a matter of days later then your friend is being unkind and a bit selfish. If it means waiting months to meet up she has a point.

How often are you meeting? I meet with my group of friends and the date has to suit everyone, but we only meet a few times a year. If you are meeting up regularly then it’s less of a big deal.

There will always be times when some people can’t attend but if she continues to do this then you need to politely stand your ground. Does everyone else in the group feel the same as you? It might be worth talking to her privately about it if this is the case, ideally in person as technology can give off the wrong vibe. You don’t want to subconsciously isolate her.

I agree with you about choosing places everyone can afford; a friend who can be like your friend chose somewhere once that was incredibly expensive for me. I ended up not enjoying myself because I was worried about the amount of money I had to spent despite ordering the cheapest thing on the menu. It could be ignorance; I would be mortified if I made a friend feel like this.

HMW1906 · 29/10/2023 22:52

You don’t always have to go out as a full group.

I’m part of a group of friends with 5 of us, it’s rare that all 5 of us manage to go to every meet up, in fact the only time we manage to go with all 5 of us is when we get a date in the calendar about 6 months in advance!

lilyblue5 · 29/10/2023 22:52

Are you sure the other mum wants to go? You’ll never pin everyone down.

Testina · 29/10/2023 22:53

I think it’s only rude if they rearrange dates for everyone else, but consistently are happy to leave a specific person out - and it doesn’t sound like that.

It just sounds like a different style where they think getting all 6 together if a faff and you meet up regularly enough anyway that no-one is being pushed out of an unusual event. 6 local mums who meet every month: fine. 10 year anniversary of a uni group who meet once in a blue moon: not fine.

If you and two others are so bothered that you’re messaging about it, why not just say in group, “no Sally - I’m out for Sat 5th if Sara can’t make it - I’d rather do Wed 8th so all 6 of us are there.” Then it’s dealt with.

AmadeustheAlpaca · 29/10/2023 22:53

Use Google Doodle to sort dates out.

CrapBucket · 29/10/2023 22:55

You can do a date poll in WhatsApp. Put 4 dates and go for the most popular. Easy!

Doyoumind · 29/10/2023 22:56

This reminds me of someone I used to be friendly with. She was the ring leader and so things would happen as and when she wanted, even though there was some pretence at being fair. She would have said she was getting things organised, as PPs said, but it felt more selfish than that - like she needed company for her plans. Hence we aren't really friends anymore, even though I wasn't often the one being left out.