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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend in group keeps doing this

104 replies

Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:21

Would this annoy you…

Group of six friends, mums, jobs, busy lives. One person in the group when suggesting to meet up, if one of us can’t come, basically ignores that and wants to push ahead for the meeting. Whereas the rest of us will try to find a date that suits us all the next week etc. This friend never does and the excluded person who said they’re unable to meet due to work etc that day doesn’t get acknowledged on the texting and messages keep flying from this person about hoping they can all meet up that day etc
Is this rude/unkind?
Just a thing I’ve noticed has happened twice and a couple of other friends on the group have mentioned to me too…whereas the rest of us tend to make sure we get to an arrangement where we can all go out/meet?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:56

@lilyblue5 They haven’t said if they can go so I’m not sure, the last time this happened, one friend said ‘Let’s make it when we can all go’ sort of as a hint, but it wasn’t taken I don’t think

OP posts:
StellaGibson2022 · 29/10/2023 22:58

It wouldnt annoy me and I dont think it is rude or unkind.

They have suggested a meet up for a certain date. Some can make it and so plans are progressing.

It’s not like anyone is being excluded because it is an open invite on the group whatsapp.

MsRosley · 29/10/2023 23:01

I've an old friend group which meets a couple of times a year. If someone can't make it, then the rest of us just go ahead. I can't see an issue, even when that someone is me.

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 23:02

@Aroma220 Thats the thing it would be easy to do the week after when all free. It’s also the not acknowledging it? Sort of pushing through to others like ‘Hopefully we can catch up this week’ I personally wouldn’t be that insensitive and haven’t been to this person…but we’re all different

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 29/10/2023 23:02

Are you The flakey one?

It's difficult to get a date to suit everyone and if you can't you exclude the one that pulled out at the last minute last time!

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 23:03

@underneaththeash Im not flakey

OP posts:
afrikat · 29/10/2023 23:06

It depends if its a once a year type thing like a weekend away or once a month or two. If the former I would expect nothing to be planned until everyone finds a date they can do. If the latter I'd say it can get really tricky to organise a group and it can be easier to just go with the ones who can do the date suggested

Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 29/10/2023 23:06

Organising a day that everyone is free is a nightmare, in all our friendship circles when someone suggests something, those that are free go and those that aren't free just don't go. We'll organise big events way in advance and check everyone can make it, but if it's a "shall we do a coffee/drinks/dinner" in the next few weeks then we wouldn't hold odd on socialising because one or two couldn't make it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/10/2023 23:06

Yeah I think your friend has the right idea tbh.

I've got a similar group of five friends: we all go back 25+ years and I don't think we've met as a full group for the past two years. We've all got kids and full on jobs and live in different cities. If we all waited for a date we were all free it just wouldn't happen. It's hard enough to get two or three of us together.

With all the things I have going on in my life I have to take the joy where I can find it. Life is too short and precious to try get upset if people can't all synchronise diaries.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/10/2023 23:07

She sounds a bit rude.

I suggest sorting your next date when you're all together

Testina · 29/10/2023 23:07

Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:40

I didn’t really think about it much until these two other friends mention it, they also pointed out that this person is very sensitive to being left out of things. I always go out of my way to try to include everyone as I know it can feel shitty

You’re the sort of person who goes out of their way to include everyone, yet you hadn’t even noticed it much - until these other two started stirring, basically?

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 29/10/2023 23:09

If it's "let's all get together! I propose Friday" then you should all discuss until you agree a date you can meet.

If it's "I want to go see the new Nick Cage movie this Friday. Anyone want to come along?" then it's a matter of who can make it Friday. But if someone says, "I can't Friday, but I can Saturday" then it at least deserves to be addressed. If Saturday also doesn't work for someone, then I see no reason why those who can go on Friday shouldn't.

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 23:10

@Testina I hasn’t really noticed it much when it was happening to me/didn’t take it to heart until mentioned and then thinking about it. They’re not shit stirring, we’ve been friends for longer and it’s almost an unwritten code that we include each other as much as we can

OP posts:
Testina · 29/10/2023 23:10

alibongo5 · 29/10/2023 22:23

I think you just need to be firmer "no, X has said she can't make it that day so let's look at finding a date we can all make it". And repeat.

Anyway, as so often - first reply nails it!

Only thing I’d add to @alibongo5 is that if this approach means weeks go by with no date found, then you have to either accept less regular meets, or accept it won’t always be possible to have all attending.

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 23:11

@AgingDisgracefullyHere I agree, it’s more like the first option

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 29/10/2023 23:14

I’m the flakey one, just purely down to being a single parent, and I also say, go ahead make a date and if I can I will come. If they waited for everyone to be free then it would be months.

I think it’s a bit men though 3 people texting each other about one friend behind her back, she’s clearly not well liked.

Namenamchange · 29/10/2023 23:14

Mean

coffeetofunction · 29/10/2023 23:14

I'm part of a group of mums about 9 of us and it's always difficult to get all of us together at one time. In fact I can't actually remember the last time we managed to meet up with everyone there. It became so difficult in past years that we started to give up, now we've agreed to get together on a suggested date or a few different dates when people can make it. Surely its accepting everyone has busy lives and being willing to compromise for your friends

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 23:15

@Namenamchange Not mean at all, wasn’t said it a mean way at all, more checking if the person who wasn’t acknowledged was ok etc

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 29/10/2023 23:15

I think your friend is right...I am in a group of 5 friends and some of us make a massive effort to shift diary dates to meet up and then some one cancels or is I'll on the day. Also I think the organiser gets the say.

Original poster
Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 23:16

@Livelifelaughter They weren’t the organiser

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 29/10/2023 23:17

@Pumpkinwinkingatme

how is texting out of the group finding out if she’s ok?

why the secrecy? Just text the group and say did you see so and so message she can’t make it on that date but can make it on this date. Maybe she missed it, it’s hard to keep up when lots of texts are flying about.

Mariposista · 29/10/2023 23:20

If there is definitely a suitable date for all within a week - fine. But there is nothing more annoying than trying to arrange something small like a coffee or meal, and having it 6 months in advance.

WimpoleHat · 29/10/2023 23:21

This sounds like my DD and her friends - always trying to arrange things so everyone can go. Which is a nice idea in theory, but in practice means that they often just end up not doing things at all. I think your friend has the right idea, really - if she fancies going for a meal on Friday, why not just go with anyone from the group who is free? The whole “all or none” thing just gets too painful when you’re dealing with five other people with lots of commitments.

SkaneTos · 29/10/2023 23:24

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/10/2023 22:40

I had a group of 6 friends that waited til everyone was free to meet. We all drifted apart as it was just painful to organise everything and became a massive 'thing' when people met up separately. I'm with your friend, if you meet up frequently then it doesn't matter if people miss the odd one

I agree with this. You don't always have to be all six of you when you meet up.