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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend in group keeps doing this

104 replies

Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:21

Would this annoy you…

Group of six friends, mums, jobs, busy lives. One person in the group when suggesting to meet up, if one of us can’t come, basically ignores that and wants to push ahead for the meeting. Whereas the rest of us will try to find a date that suits us all the next week etc. This friend never does and the excluded person who said they’re unable to meet due to work etc that day doesn’t get acknowledged on the texting and messages keep flying from this person about hoping they can all meet up that day etc
Is this rude/unkind?
Just a thing I’ve noticed has happened twice and a couple of other friends on the group have mentioned to me too…whereas the rest of us tend to make sure we get to an arrangement where we can all go out/meet?

OP posts:
GRex · 30/10/2023 05:01

You end up just not meeting if you keep waiting. I think you're getting a bit over-sensitive and being quite mean about your friend, who is doing exactly what many many other groups of friends do. It isn't unfriendly, exclusive, weird, or any other pejorative; she's just practically trying to fix a date to meet friends. I'd think it's a bit rude of the one who can't make it to have tried to push for the following week, "I'm busy having a life, so don't you guys dare have fun"; more appropriate would be "I can't make that one but you guys have a great time, could we also arrange the next session now so I have something to look forward to, how about X / Y?".

We do WhatsApp polls, then pick the most popular date. It is skewed by whoever set up the poll who can make all the dates, but that's the benefits of being the organiser. When there is a date conflict (always), then usually whoever couldn't make the last one gets their preference picked.

throughgrittedteeth · 30/10/2023 05:05

I have a mum friend group with 5 of us and we meet about once a month. Inevitably one person can't make it or there's only one date for 6 weeks we can all do and then someone drops out last minute. We still go ahead because the next time we meet the same thing is likely to happen, so it if we're meeting semi-regularly people can drop out if needed.
I do think it's unreasonable for your friend to at least not try and get everyone together though if it's a case of moving dates around.

SunRainStorm · 30/10/2023 05:20

OP, if one person gets a cold on the day of the meet up- do you all cancel?

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 30/10/2023 05:46

I voted yabu as it sounds like there's some side bitching about this lady with 2 others. Which will break your friendship group quicker than what she's doing.

I can see how it would be annoying if she has to be included, but if she's often the organiser and decisive maybe she likes quick answers, and no dithering.

Mumof2teens79 · 30/10/2023 05:50

Twice is not "always" or "keeps"
In a group of 6 with busy lives finding a time you can all meet must be almost impossible.
Often you end up putting it back and back and back so you are planning 6 months ahead and/or just not seeing each other.
I imagine she really wants to see her friends, you don't ALL need to be there everything as long as its not the same person excluded everything....but even then if one person works a difficult shift pattern or goes away every weekend then maybe you just have to accept that

Penguinfeetteal · 30/10/2023 06:26

I think it depends. If the next date everyone can do is not for a other few months then the person who can't do the earlier date should be saying you ladies go ahead but let's get xx in the diary so we can all meet.

If it's within the same two weeks during trying to find a date then yes it would be nice to do the date you can all do!

I had a group of friends where one person was always busy (and I mean always) but also didn't want to put a date in the diary in advance with us (I guess in case she got a better offer with her partner) so we started meeting without her. Still invited her initially when discussing dates but said okay lets do x date and book in the other date. She got incredible put out and sulked. It made me see another side to her that was quite self entered. She expected others who wanted to do things on their weekends to wait until she had nothing better do and could join. Not acceptable.

lap90 · 30/10/2023 06:34

It's not rude or unkind, no.
It can be hard to find time when 6 busy people are all free to meet - you can end up never doing so and there are inevitably the people who you move heaven and earth for and flake at the last minute.
I have had friendship groups meet without me the past week or so due to being away and have had no issue with it.

CateringPanic · 30/10/2023 06:44

I think it depends on the type of invitation. A “can we all get together to do something” invitation is very different to a “there is x event on at the weekend, does anyone want to go?” Type invitation.

I actually think it’s fine to meet up in smaller groups and inevitably some people in a friend group will be closer to others. As long as the same person isn’t the one getting left out all the time then it doesn’t matte ESPECIALLY if you all see each other regularly anyway so it’s not like she is missing her one opportunity that year to see her friends

Londonrach1 · 30/10/2023 06:53

I'm in a huge group of friends...a date Is arranged...some I can go to some I can't...it doesn't matter if someone can't...we all grown ups. We meet at the next meet up. No one gets upset if a small group gets together without others. Four of my group meet yesterday...i couldn't make it but loved seeing the photos. I'm meeting one of the group today and some of us are meeting on Wednesday...some can't make it so it's about half the group. Over time we all meet up and see each other. Your friend is right. If you waited till you could all meet you never meet.

fluffypotatoes · 30/10/2023 06:55

It gets really annoying trying to organise something when all people say is "I can't do this day how about x day"

I think it's fair enough of her to say "I'm going on x day if anyone wants to join me.

It depends on the history of the group. Has she missed out on stuff before because you've spent so long trying to organise it?

AlohaRose · 30/10/2023 07:01

Sorry but this faffing around used to really annoy me when my kids were younger and we were trying to arrange for the mums to meet up. My older son's class group took a pragmatic approach - choose a date, if most people could make it then the meet-up went ahead. In my younger son's class it was a tortuous process involving many, many messages while we tried to find a date to suit all 7/8 people or whatever. This wasn't necessarily for dinner or a "big" event, it could be just morning coffee. The end result was that very often we didn't meet up at all. Now two of my best friends are from the first group and I haven't seen anyone from the second group (except in passing) for years.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 30/10/2023 07:53

Maddy70 · 29/10/2023 22:30

I think shes right. No date will suit all. Press agead and those that can will come

And yet such people are the ones who get upset when others in the group choose a date that doesn't work for them. She's just being selfish and inconsiderate.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 30/10/2023 07:54

StellaGibson2022 · 29/10/2023 22:58

It wouldnt annoy me and I dont think it is rude or unkind.

They have suggested a meet up for a certain date. Some can make it and so plans are progressing.

It’s not like anyone is being excluded because it is an open invite on the group whatsapp.

It's fine for her to suggest a date, it's wrong for her to ignore any other suggestions and act like her availability is the only one that matters.

ButterMyParsnip · 30/10/2023 08:26

If she won't listen when one person suggests a different date why don't you and the other two people say you also can't make it and agree with the second date?

Maddy70 · 30/10/2023 08:46

Ilovelifeverymuch · 30/10/2023 07:53

And yet such people are the ones who get upset when others in the group choose a date that doesn't work for them. She's just being selfish and inconsiderate.

Show quote history

Not in my experience.

A " planning to go out on Saturday to x "
would love you all to join me ? "

B would love to but I can't make Saturday can do Sunday

A. Shame you can't make it. Next time fingers crossed. Who else is up for Sat?.

See its easy

No-one gets upset they just can't go. No-one on my friendship group gets peevish. Why would they? They're invited and can't make it

Jamorjelly · 30/10/2023 08:48

Yeah, I agree with her. Press ahead, next time they’ll make it but perhaps someone else can’t.

She sounds like someone who makes thinks happen and I admire that.

Apossum · 30/10/2023 08:53

I’m on the fence really. I have a very similar situation myself with my friends, 5 of us, all with 1-2 children, all 4 and under. We all work in one capacity or another, full/part time, employed/self-employed so it can be such a bloody headache finding dates we can all do, but we do like to try and get us all together whenever we can if possible. It feels a bit mean to just press on regardless and leave someone out when we could all do a date just a couple of days later.
The only time we wouldn’t feel the same as you do in the op is if it’s for a particular event on a particular day, obviously then it’s that date or not at all! We do also sometimes just message and say ‘I am doing xyz today, who fancies it?’ spur of the moment.

emmafenella · 30/10/2023 12:57

The ignoring / lack of acknowledgement is a bit rude of her but otherwise I don’t think this is a problem. We do the same with our group of friends - one of us will put a message out there and we’ll go with the majority. If you can make it, great. If you can’t then hopefully see you at the next one. As you’ve said, you’re all busy and so it’s unlikely that you’re all going to be able to make it every single time.

Lifeisapeach · 30/10/2023 13:00

After years of trying to arrange things… If one person wants to go somewhere and people are free… why not? It’s not high school. Busy lives mean it could be months before everyone is free. As long as everyone is invited I don’t see the issue. And what if it’s pushed say 7 days but that doesn’t suit the person trying to arrange it in the first place? Life is too short.

I would feel differently if it was a special occassion. But if not crack on and those are free and want to go, can?

Mama1209 · 30/10/2023 13:08

I voted unreasonable because IMO it is unreasonable to expect all 6 people to be available. If you wait for that, you would all never see each other. I also feel that if people want to see you, they will make time. I often feel in those types of group chats it gets to be a pissing contest of who’s the busiest and why. It annoys me. We are all busy doing important work!

Toptotoe · 30/10/2023 13:13

You are never going to get everyone there. Why not just fix a date say 1st day of month and 15th of the month and whoever can come comes and whoever can’t doesn’t- it does mean everyone will have plenty of time to plan etc and the days of the week will be different too to accommodate part time workers etc.

Ellie1015 · 30/10/2023 13:13

If i am invitied to something and i cant manage i would say "i cant make that one, you all have fun will catch the next one" i think it is much ruder to say "i cant make it how about next weekend"

Inevitable someone else cant do that date so you go for the next one then the next one. Then nearer the time a bigger priority comes up and not everyone goes anyway.

Kwasi · 30/10/2023 13:17

If it’s not an annual or biannual meet up, but people you see regularly, I think it’s fine if not everyone can make it every time.

I think you’re being very dramatic and just want everyone on MN to agree with you.

ManyATrueWord · 30/10/2023 13:23

YABU. I've planned dates a year in advance and then someone will say "Oh, sorry, I've got a better offer."

TempName247 · 30/10/2023 13:47

YoureALizardHarry11 · 30/10/2023 02:14

I haven’t met up with my group of friends for years because there’s never a date that suits everyone. My friends always want to do what you suggest and change the dates to accommodate everyone but then the new date comes around and inevitably someone can’t make that either… and so it continues.

If it was up to me I’d be saying, ‘’Aww that’s a shame, hope you can make it next time’’ and carry on with the plans with the others, but I’d be called mean!

Nothing wrong with what she’s doing to be honest, she’d never have a social life If she waited around for everyone to be free at the same time! 🤣

Next time one is organised you should say, how about if anyone has to unfortunately drop out (including me) just to go ahead anyway.