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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend in group keeps doing this

104 replies

Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:21

Would this annoy you…

Group of six friends, mums, jobs, busy lives. One person in the group when suggesting to meet up, if one of us can’t come, basically ignores that and wants to push ahead for the meeting. Whereas the rest of us will try to find a date that suits us all the next week etc. This friend never does and the excluded person who said they’re unable to meet due to work etc that day doesn’t get acknowledged on the texting and messages keep flying from this person about hoping they can all meet up that day etc
Is this rude/unkind?
Just a thing I’ve noticed has happened twice and a couple of other friends on the group have mentioned to me too…whereas the rest of us tend to make sure we get to an arrangement where we can all go out/meet?

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 29/10/2023 23:24

WimpoleHat · 29/10/2023 23:21

This sounds like my DD and her friends - always trying to arrange things so everyone can go. Which is a nice idea in theory, but in practice means that they often just end up not doing things at all. I think your friend has the right idea, really - if she fancies going for a meal on Friday, why not just go with anyone from the group who is free? The whole “all or none” thing just gets too painful when you’re dealing with five other people with lots of commitments.

Actually this is so true, in my group it's so hard to get a date we end up meeting only 4 times a year but then we also say " mini meet" anyone around on x date..

Leeds2 · 29/10/2023 23:26

I am in a similar sounding group of seven. We meet every year, at someone's house, in January and agree the dates for a monthly meet up then. Be it a meet In someone's home, out for dinner, theatre etc. On the agreed date, one or two will usually drop out. Which is fine, but the evening still goes ahead. Sometimes, someone will suggest on the WhatsApp group going to an upcoming event - last week I went with one friend to the theatre, which hadn't been planned, to watch a tribute band, but everyone was invited. Next week I think five of us will be going to an unplanned Quiz Night at the pub. I think you just have to accept that not everyone can make every event, and you will miss a lot of meet ups if you try to arrange a date that everyone can make.

SkaneTos · 29/10/2023 23:26

WimpoleHat · 29/10/2023 23:21

This sounds like my DD and her friends - always trying to arrange things so everyone can go. Which is a nice idea in theory, but in practice means that they often just end up not doing things at all. I think your friend has the right idea, really - if she fancies going for a meal on Friday, why not just go with anyone from the group who is free? The whole “all or none” thing just gets too painful when you’re dealing with five other people with lots of commitments.

I also agree with this.

ACGTHelix · 29/10/2023 23:32

Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:31

@Maddy70 It would literally be a few days to a week later

but then the issue is if suddenly x person then becomes unavailable and its rearranged again etc

UsingChangeofName · 29/10/2023 23:36

Group of six friends, mums, jobs, busy lives.

You put this in the OP, so I'd agree with @Discointhekitchen , in the 2nd reply, and then so many of the other posters who are saying - you just have to go with it, or you'll never get to go out. As long as it isn't always the same person that misses out, you just have to accept at this time of your lives you are never going to get 6 friends who all work and who all have dc, and all of whom have busy live, to all have the same free dates.

Of course, all the way through, you then are saying "they could meet the following week" , which seems somewhat at odds from what you put in the opening post, potentially as you aren't been told you are right?

So, in this fluke of a situation, if it is true, everyone can meet together within the next fortnight, then yes, of course it would be nice to meet with everyone there but , as a general question, going back to your op, then, realistically, you are not going to get 6 busy mums who all work outside the home as well as their family commitments and other things in their lives to all be free on the same date with short notice very often, unless you all blank out every Thursday from now to the end of time, so it is a set weekly date.

LilyHarris · 29/10/2023 23:41

If I want to organise a group meet up, I'll try to find a date that suits everybody.

If I realise I have a free Saturday night and want to make plans, I'll make plans with whoever is free that night. It would annoy me if I was prevented from making plans because other people already had plans.

Making plans for a specific group vs making plans for a specific date. It's two different things.

Gothambutnotahamster · 29/10/2023 23:47

Screamingabdabz · 29/10/2023 22:49

If 5 can go ahead and 1 can’t, then I think it’s a fairly pragmatic approach to just go with the majority. Jeez you’d be faffing forever. Your mate just sounds like she’s cutting through the crap and getting stuff organised. YABU.

This!

Fab973 · 29/10/2023 23:55

6 mums with kids? You would be looking months ahead to get everyone free. If she is the one organising it she can push on. If you are peeved you should take reigns on the next meet up and you call the shots. It is unfair for to to put all the effort into arranging then you all complain behind her back

Aphroditee · 30/10/2023 00:00

I’m in a group with 8. All range from full time jobs, part time shift hours, new born babies, primary school aged children.

It’s near impossible to find a date every couple of months to suit everyone for a meet up. Sometimes we can all make it. Sometimes we can’t.

What is annoying is if 1 person can’t make a date, then the whole thing needs to be rearrange and we go through the process of organising diaries and getting babysitters again. It’s tiresome.

It isn’t rude, or unkind, it’s practical.

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 30/10/2023 00:06

Pumpkinwinkingatme · 29/10/2023 22:21

Would this annoy you…

Group of six friends, mums, jobs, busy lives. One person in the group when suggesting to meet up, if one of us can’t come, basically ignores that and wants to push ahead for the meeting. Whereas the rest of us will try to find a date that suits us all the next week etc. This friend never does and the excluded person who said they’re unable to meet due to work etc that day doesn’t get acknowledged on the texting and messages keep flying from this person about hoping they can all meet up that day etc
Is this rude/unkind?
Just a thing I’ve noticed has happened twice and a couple of other friends on the group have mentioned to me too…whereas the rest of us tend to make sure we get to an arrangement where we can all go out/meet?

Yabu. After dealing with the backwards and forwards of dates bullshit for too long, I now work on the basis of a date is set, come or don't. Therefore if you want to arrange something else another date, for others to go, crack on, I'll come or not.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2023 00:23

So she has an idea "I want to go THERE and THIS date with THEM" and that is her tunnel vision all set. She doesnt actually care about the rest of the group as long as she gets what she wants?

Nah fuck that. I would start playing her at her own game. Wait until you know she cant make a particular date and make plans, "Oh you should change because I cant come" , dont acknowledge, just push ahead. When she inevitably kicks off you say "Well you didnt seem bothered when X couldnt make it to that restaurant you booked, so I assumed you wouldnt mind missing on yourself"

Childish? Possibly. Petty? Certainly. Mean? Definitely. But sometimes its the only thing that gets through to self absorbed people.

Kokeshi123 · 30/10/2023 00:59

Sorry, but I'm with your friend. It gets exhausting trying to find a date that works for everyone. I prefer groups where it's accepted that you make some meetups and not others.

I always go out of my way to try to include everyone as I know it can feel shitty

To me "excluding" is only when someone is being repeatedly left out or ignored in other ways. If it's just a case of, one or two people may not be able to make this particular meeting but did come to the one before and will probably come to the next one, that's just life.

HeddaGarbled · 30/10/2023 01:09

I think it’s quite nice sometimes to meet in smaller groups. Having to be all six of you every time seems a bit rigid. So long as you’re not leaving the same person out every time, it can be good to vary the group. It can be interesting how the dynamics change, and interactions are different, with a different collection of personalities.

PegasusReturns · 30/10/2023 01:39

It’s reasonable to suggest one or two alternative dates but if not possible then you just need to go ahead, otherwise if anything like my various friend groups it’ll never happen.

NumberTheory · 30/10/2023 01:51

I find the description you’ve given hard to get a good feel for. I’ve never known a group of 6 busy people who could easily find dates they were all available unless it was months out. So the idea of you all being able to do what you say you do seems odd and not something I’d expect to be reasonable. So I’m sort of on the side of the one who pushes ahead.

But regardless of how unusual that sounds to me, I hear your issue OP, she seems to you like she doesn’t care about going out of her way to make sure everyone else is included, but expects effort to ensure she’s included. It sounds a bit immature - someone who is in the grip of FOMO. But I also wonder about the two friends who mentioned it. You hadn’t noticed it before - is she really the worst of the bunch or are these two friends orchestrating a bit of sly maneuver to push her out?

Circumferences · 30/10/2023 02:08

YABU.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 30/10/2023 02:14

I haven’t met up with my group of friends for years because there’s never a date that suits everyone. My friends always want to do what you suggest and change the dates to accommodate everyone but then the new date comes around and inevitably someone can’t make that either… and so it continues.

If it was up to me I’d be saying, ‘’Aww that’s a shame, hope you can make it next time’’ and carry on with the plans with the others, but I’d be called mean!

Nothing wrong with what she’s doing to be honest, she’d never have a social life If she waited around for everyone to be free at the same time! 🤣

Canisaysomething · 30/10/2023 02:43

It sounds like your friend who insists on waiting until everyone is free just likes things on her terms.

ElleCapitaine · 30/10/2023 02:48

If you waited until all 6 of you were available you’d be waiting very long time. I am in a circle of 6 too. We all have jobs/kids/hobbies etc. It’s rare that all of us show up, but if we can get 3-4 we go ahead with a meet up. It works and we all get to see each other without waiting 6 months.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 30/10/2023 03:46

Can you just keep looking at dates and ignore the comment from the friend?

SocksOfMagic · 30/10/2023 03:56

Can’t you just use the voting facility on WhatsApp to agree dates everyone can make? If done well in advance it will be easier to identify and confirm agreed date.

SunRainStorm · 30/10/2023 03:59

YABU.

Who has time to faff around while six busy women work out a mutual time?

It's much more sensible to just land on a date, and those who can make it, make it. If you miss out, then organise the next one to ensure you go.

I'm the 'organiser' in a lot of my groups of friends and it's really fucking annoying when people nit pick like this.

Organise it your bloody self if you think she's no good at it!

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 30/10/2023 04:12

I had this in a group once. Trying to get everyone to agree to a date was horrendous. I wish we'd gone down the route your friend is suggesting because we all just drifted apart in the end.

WandaWonder · 30/10/2023 04:27

There is a lot of drip feeding, I am happy for an event to go ahead if I can't make it I can't be doing with this endless arranging of things to suit everyone then on top of that go with 'yeah but this person leaves this other person out then this other person does this' we are talking of adults?

I will also not endlessly organise dates to suit everyone, I will try my best but once it's set unless something drama happens it goes ahead

PosterBoy · 30/10/2023 04:59

You and your friends on the back channel sound bitchy and passive aggressive - just put another date on the main group that works better for everyone. Or meet twice.
Getting 6 people to agree on a date is difficult - when one person can't make it but doesn't offer a solution that works for everyone else then your choice is cancel or continue. Or bitch behind the organisers back, I suppose