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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that off-duty police shouldn't go to a strip club?

180 replies

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:20

Name change here.

My STBXH has admitted that when we were still very much together, he and his police buddies (only the blokes) went to a strip club in another city on their Christmas get-together...

Now it makes sense why they'd travel 100 miles - not for the Christmas markets...

I got the bullshit 'didn't want to be left out/I was drunk'. Yep, a married man, a copper, in his 40s can succumb to peer pressure apparently, poor thing. Yeah, right.

Oh yeah, and it was two Christmases! So that bullshit excuse is stretched real thin the second time. Lovely. Happy Christmas, darling.

So, the rights and wrongs of strip clubs in general - and I'm very much of the view that they're exploitative of women; and of husbands/partners doing this on the sly aside,
what do you all think of off-duty police officers going as a group (probably 10+, I'd guess) to strip clubs?

I feel it speaks to a culture of misogyny within the police, that they would think this is ok, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheIckFactor · 03/11/2023 18:28

Hecate01 · 03/11/2023 05:04

I think MN has the opinion that everyone who works in the sex industry is there unwillingly.

My friend danced her way through uni in a strip club so she could leave debt free and she made a lot of money. She felt safe at all times and is now a teacher and happily married.

There's nothing illegal about it so each to their own. For me the OP seems to be looking for something on her ex husband but that's my opinion.

I'm really not, Hecate. You may not have read all my posts/the whole thread but I've explained that I'm on pretty good terms with him. Other posters accused me of wanting to 'ruin his life' but absolutely nothing in my post could legitimately give them that impression. People are reading things into my opening post that aren't there.
I'm disappointed in him, true, but at this point my discomfort on learning this is very much less about our marriage than about whether society should have a problem with them doing this or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheIckFactor · 03/11/2023 18:47

angsanana · 03/11/2023 06:07

OP, you're upset that your husband went to a strip club. Stop making this about people trafficking/ illegal brothels. Strip clubs are not these things.
Yes, there is a higher likelihood of those worlds colliding... but they are not one and the same.
Your beef is with your husband enjoying other women. Otherwise you'd be worried about the other potentially seedy (but non sexual) aspects of strip clubs like money laundering.

Show quote history

Angsanana, I thought about not replying but here goes: please read all my posts/the whole thread.
I've stated that my relationship with my husband is pretty amicable, I've no desire to 'ruin his life/seek revenge' or anything like it. I don't have 'beef' with him about this, truly. I really was just trying to gauge whether other people think it's acceptable or not - not for my husband within our marriage, but for a group of male police to have their Christmas jolly at a strip club.
I didn't even make it about 'trafficking or illegal brothels' (but here's a hint: all brothels are illegal in the UK), rather I mentioned those things (hello, nuance) to illustrate that these same men work in situations where they're encountering very vulnerable women - my view is that having women dance naked/grind up on them in a strip club might just desensitise them... It's hard to see how they can objectify women in a strip club for their fun, but suddenly be empathetic towards them on the job.
But genuinely, this is really not about my marriage. (If he's reading this, he'll know that too!) I'm over all that stuff.

OP posts:
Papacharlie · 06/11/2023 22:39

Stripperyone · 03/11/2023 16:43

Forgot to add, guess what he got for doing that with young female colleagues? And mistreating ones who wouldn't sleep with him?

That's right. Slap on the wrist 'Don't do it again mate, yeh?' Halloween Angry

Yes, that's how it works. A slap on the wrist for the men. Like I was told by PSD, when investigating a male officer for sexuak assault "It was a tricky one as he was a good cop, had such an impressive arrest record"

Yes, I can see how it is tricky to overlook sexual assault when they bring the figures in. 🙄

Papacharlie · 06/11/2023 22:43

unlikelychump · 01/11/2023 06:19

Interesting thread. The code of ethics is the answer and police are expected to be held to a higher bar for standards of behaviour. They take an attestation to this effect

While you have to take into account the rights to a private life, I would absolutely think that this is more than that. Questions I would consider include:

  • does it make the officers more susceptible to bribery and corruption (yep)
  • is there an integrity/ honesty issue here? (Yep as spouses don't know)
  • could it impact on trust and confidence in the force (yep for all the reasons above)
  • does it mean the attendees are likely to be associating with criminals (yep)

In addition police officers still have a duty to intervene in a crime of they are off duty. Can you imagine 10 guys starting to arrest people in a strip club? That doesn't sit so well either does it.

The bar for policing behaviour is not that anything goes if it isn't illegal. Nor is it in any other profession. I am not sure it is great if that is the moral standard....

Absolutely all of this. Can you imagine having to nick someone, while off duty in a strip club. The officer's opening statements as they describe where they were and how they came to be there

Stripperyone · 07/11/2023 00:13

@Papacharlie I am sorry that happened to you. I wish I could say that response was shocking to me, but unfortunately it isn't Sad

Even as police staff we had to be above and beyond in our behaviour-standards are set higher for anyone in the force.

I will say though when I was stripping, I never experienced (to my knowledge) any POs on their own. It was always with a stag do/birthday/whatever group.

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