Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that off-duty police shouldn't go to a strip club?

180 replies

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:20

Name change here.

My STBXH has admitted that when we were still very much together, he and his police buddies (only the blokes) went to a strip club in another city on their Christmas get-together...

Now it makes sense why they'd travel 100 miles - not for the Christmas markets...

I got the bullshit 'didn't want to be left out/I was drunk'. Yep, a married man, a copper, in his 40s can succumb to peer pressure apparently, poor thing. Yeah, right.

Oh yeah, and it was two Christmases! So that bullshit excuse is stretched real thin the second time. Lovely. Happy Christmas, darling.

So, the rights and wrongs of strip clubs in general - and I'm very much of the view that they're exploitative of women; and of husbands/partners doing this on the sly aside,
what do you all think of off-duty police officers going as a group (probably 10+, I'd guess) to strip clubs?

I feel it speaks to a culture of misogyny within the police, that they would think this is ok, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 14:59

Thanks for the insight, rvturnbull. And your honesty. I take your point about being able to discern who you booked, but also that you were helping fund habits.
I see the problem as being one of women having confidence in the police - would I feel confident in reporting a sexual assault to an officer if I knew he visited a strip club? He may well discharge his duties fairly, etc, but both the legal activity of stripping and the crime of assault objectify a woman. I know that's simplifying things, of course.
I figure though, that the code of ethics covers off-duty standards of behaviour because personal predilections can pose questions/problems as to one's ability on the job -?

OP posts:
Witchcraftandhokum · 29/10/2023 15:00

A friend of mine worked in a strip club while we were at uni and is now a fairly high ranking police officer.

Baconking · 29/10/2023 15:01

Should they be allowed to watch porn?

fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 29/10/2023 15:02

Are female police officers allowed to go to an adonis/chippendales type show for a hen night?

momonpurpose · 29/10/2023 15:07

Cosyblankets · 29/10/2023 13:22

His job is irrelevant
He was off duty

This. Off duty they are just regular people

BerriesNutsConkers · 29/10/2023 15:09

I would be more concerned if they had visited a club in their local area as they would be more likely to be recognised there. They went to a club away from their patch when off duty and were as anonymous as any other customer.

I was married to a police officer for 17 years and saw a lot of questionable behaviour, I couldn't get too worked up over this.

Ponderingwindow · 29/10/2023 15:10

I can definitely see the problem from multiple perspectives.

A group of police officers, even off-duty, could be intimidating to an extremely vulnerable population. Those women would be much more likely to be exploited by such a group.

Attending in a group normalizes the behavior and contributes to the culture of objectifying women. It might make it easier for officers to push boundaries and abuse the women in their custody which we know is an issue already.

now the larger issue, should it be allowed? It’s all well and good to say people should be able to do anything legal in their free time, but the reality is that jobs sometimes come with restrictions on out of hours activities. These can be actually explicitly listed in your contract or less explicit, but made clear that drawing media or community attention would be problematic.

i don’t know that it needs to be explicitly forbidden, but I do think the officers should realize that it is incredibly bad optics. They could easily pick a different activity and have the benefit of not exploiting vulnerable women for their entertainment.

rvturnbull · 29/10/2023 15:13

The code of ethics would definitely kick in if the group were getting a discount, or had a relationship with the owner where they gained some form of benefit or advantage. Same anywhere. The most common - free food/drink from latenight food places in return for fast response and preferential treatment - even if not explicitly agreed.

The reality is you are likely to come across officers with prejudices whether they go to strip clubs or not. It's not a well paid job, with bad hours, confrontation and a high workload. It's going to 'appeal' to certain types who think it's perceived power is worth it. The apathetic nature of most officers after a few years grinding down let's them get away with it.

It's called the job and in reality it is just that. Mumsnet thinks everyone in the police is a Wayne Couzens. They aren't, but the toxic cliques they run in aren't challenged because most officers just want to do their job and get home quick as possible. I wouldn't have even had the chance to report couzens because 99% of those I worked with got a hello, how are you at most. I had no desire to know nearly all my colleagues and certainly not to socialise with them

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 29/10/2023 15:23

Well, doctors must not bring the profession into disrepute, on or off duty. Maybe that would apply here. A strip club is hardly reputable, and implies a certain attitude to women.

AutumnBonfires · 29/10/2023 15:30

It's no big surprise, most of them make awful partners and also make it very difficult for their wives and partners to leave.

Icequeen01 · 29/10/2023 15:35

AutumnBonfires · 29/10/2023 15:30

It's no big surprise, most of them make awful partners and also make it very difficult for their wives and partners to leave.

That's quite a statement. So you know "most" of the male police officers in this country do you? Amazing!

Treacletoots · 29/10/2023 15:36

It's legal. Because we live in a world where the patriarchy still rules.

It doesn't make it OK. I'm 100% in agreement with you OP.

Treacletoots · 29/10/2023 15:38

I have a friend who married a policeman.

He was abusive, controlling and when she left him he illegally redirected her mail and sent friends round to watch her for months.

Not saying ALL police officers behave like this, but it seems a common thread.

Totaly · 29/10/2023 15:44

Not all police officers work with this type of crime.

So if I needed help should I question the officers in their off duty hobbies or do I just accept the help offered in terms of the law?

A police officer who visits a strip club is not less likely to follow the law and do a good job.

Id question your thought train.

Local parent here complained a teacher was seen in a pub and smoking - does that mean she can’t teach the downsides of drink and fags? No. It means she’s normal and has a social life.

Greenshake · 29/10/2023 15:50

AutumnBonfires · 29/10/2023 15:30

It's no big surprise, most of them make awful partners and also make it very difficult for their wives and partners to leave.

Most? How have you arrived at that conclusion?

Badbadbunny · 29/10/2023 15:52

YABU. It's not illegal and as long as he wasn't on duty, no problem at all.

You can't ban certain jobs/trades/professions from things that others are free to do.

The only problematic areas are anything that's illegal and doing, basically anything, other than police work , when on duty!

TutuDesi · 29/10/2023 16:11

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:42

Ok, so I found it - from the College of Policing Code of Ethics:

"Discreditable Conduct

Police officers behave in a manner which does not discredit the police service or undermine

public confidence in it, whether on or off duty."

I think there's a valid argument that going to strip clubs en masse could potentially undermine confidence in them. Certainly the women working there are going to have less confidence - presumably why these men travelled 2.5 hours for their overnighter....?

Why would the women end up with less confidence? The off duty police are almost under cover and would be more likely to spot the signs of and report suspected human trafficking than a regular Joe would. Many times it’s off duty police that step in and save situations or record illegal activity and then return the next day with a warrant. You are assuming they are also dirty cops, that they are on the take and so wouldn’t care if the women were trafficked.

FrostieBoabby · 29/10/2023 16:53

As long as no illegal activities took place I don't think there should be specific rules for police officers. Out of uniform they're just normal Joe public.

Original poster
TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 16:54

TutuDesi · 29/10/2023 16:11

Why would the women end up with less confidence? The off duty police are almost under cover and would be more likely to spot the signs of and report suspected human trafficking than a regular Joe would. Many times it’s off duty police that step in and save situations or record illegal activity and then return the next day with a warrant. You are assuming they are also dirty cops, that they are on the take and so wouldn’t care if the women were trafficked.

Show quote history

I've no idea where you get the idea that I am 'assuming they are also dirty cops'. That's a bizarre conclusion you've drawn.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 29/10/2023 16:57

Whilst it may be well down the list of things a policeman should not do, I agree with the OP, it should be somewhere off limits.

ginasevern · 29/10/2023 17:09

I don't think it's appropriate and I'm surprised at some of the snarky comments on here. The police haven't exactly covered themselves in glory lately have they, particularly in relation to endemic misogyny. Barely a day goes by when a police officer isn't in the news for sexual harrassment, rape, indecent exposure, taking photographs of dead female bodies - the list goes on and it makes me sick to my stomach. Do I think they should be going on a good old boys boozy jolly to watch women get their knickers off - no I fucking don't.

Mumoftwotoddlers · 29/10/2023 17:10

Nothing wrong with anyone of any profession visiting a strip club

Original poster
TheIckFactor · 30/10/2023 13:49

ginasevern · 29/10/2023 17:09

I don't think it's appropriate and I'm surprised at some of the snarky comments on here. The police haven't exactly covered themselves in glory lately have they, particularly in relation to endemic misogyny. Barely a day goes by when a police officer isn't in the news for sexual harrassment, rape, indecent exposure, taking photographs of dead female bodies - the list goes on and it makes me sick to my stomach. Do I think they should be going on a good old boys boozy jolly to watch women get their knickers off - no I fucking don't.

Thanks ginasevern. That's exactly the context I was thinking about. I'm in an area where the force has a number of recent and ongoing allegations and convictions for sex offences. I was just surprised they weren't more self-aware given all that media coverage.
I think that perhaps a lot of people read this as though I were asking whether or not an individual off-duty officer should go to sexual entertainment venues (I've since discovered that's the name the legislation gives them!) at all, but that wasn't my question. It was exactly as you grasped - a police boys' boozy jolly, a work night out. I'm glad I'm not entirely alone in thinking that's not on. (I was surprised at the snarkiness too.)

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 30/10/2023 14:07

I find the whole idea of any group of men going to watch strippers en masse pretty grim, and I am not attracted to men who are into that kind of thing. But I don't think police officers (or anyone else) should be banned from doing it. If there are coppers watching pole dancers in the spare time, so be it.

However, if this was essentially their work Christmas party, and they were presumably excluding women, gay men or anyone whose culture or religion stops them from engaging in that kind of thing, that would be a problem from an HR point of view, as it would be in most workplaces. I've never worked in a public sector workplace where it would have been OK for male colleagues to openly arrange a work Christmas outing to a lapdancing club. Generally speaking, a fondness for adult entertainment isn't something people should be sharing with colleagues.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 30/10/2023 14:15

What about a hen night with a stripper involved? I'm in one off the professions mentioned on this thread

I'm going to 2 hen do's next year. No idea if the token stripper will be involved though