Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that off-duty police shouldn't go to a strip club?

180 replies

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:20

Name change here.

My STBXH has admitted that when we were still very much together, he and his police buddies (only the blokes) went to a strip club in another city on their Christmas get-together...

Now it makes sense why they'd travel 100 miles - not for the Christmas markets...

I got the bullshit 'didn't want to be left out/I was drunk'. Yep, a married man, a copper, in his 40s can succumb to peer pressure apparently, poor thing. Yeah, right.

Oh yeah, and it was two Christmases! So that bullshit excuse is stretched real thin the second time. Lovely. Happy Christmas, darling.

So, the rights and wrongs of strip clubs in general - and I'm very much of the view that they're exploitative of women; and of husbands/partners doing this on the sly aside,
what do you all think of off-duty police officers going as a group (probably 10+, I'd guess) to strip clubs?

I feel it speaks to a culture of misogyny within the police, that they would think this is ok, but AIBU?

OP posts:
unlikelychump · 01/11/2023 06:19

Interesting thread. The code of ethics is the answer and police are expected to be held to a higher bar for standards of behaviour. They take an attestation to this effect

While you have to take into account the rights to a private life, I would absolutely think that this is more than that. Questions I would consider include:

  • does it make the officers more susceptible to bribery and corruption (yep)
  • is there an integrity/ honesty issue here? (Yep as spouses don't know)
  • could it impact on trust and confidence in the force (yep for all the reasons above)
  • does it mean the attendees are likely to be associating with criminals (yep)

In addition police officers still have a duty to intervene in a crime of they are off duty. Can you imagine 10 guys starting to arrest people in a strip club? That doesn't sit so well either does it.

The bar for policing behaviour is not that anything goes if it isn't illegal. Nor is it in any other profession. I am not sure it is great if that is the moral standard....

Onethingatatime23 · 01/11/2023 06:19

Badly behaved my arse. Women are not "worse" - stop peddling this absolute bullshit. Check out which sex makes up 99% of the prison population.

Stripperyone · 01/11/2023 12:27

I was a stripper for donkeys years, still dip my toe in now and again.

The clubs are VERY popular with Police Officers!

Icequeen01 · 01/11/2023 20:14

Stripperyone · 01/11/2023 12:27

I was a stripper for donkeys years, still dip my toe in now and again.

The clubs are VERY popular with Police Officers!

I'm intrigued as to how you know they are police officers. Do they flash their warrant cards or turn up in their uniforms? Or may be announce it when they walk in?

bombastix · 01/11/2023 21:02

The idea that the police do not go to strip clubs is silly; lots of men go full stop. That includes judges, bankers, politicians, teachers, lawyers, doctors...

The common denominator is that they are men. It's up to a man whether he goes or not. His job is pretty much irrelevant if he likes strippers.

Stripperyone · 01/11/2023 21:09

@Icequeen01 they tell you. And yes show their card if you're skeptical. Although you can also kind of tell. I always could as soon as they said it I'd note the build, the manner of speaking (but then I worked for the police for a long time so I knew the signs). Some of them were also a bit too touchy feely if I am honest, but no more so than any other demographic.

ToadOnTheHill · 01/11/2023 22:25

But you can think for yourself. You think it's a breach of the code, so report. If you're wrong then nothing will come of it.

GilberMarkham · 01/11/2023 22:38

JudgeJ · 31/10/2023 14:05

Are shows like the Chippendales still around?

Show quote history

Lol at comparing a male strip show and a lap dancing hole.

And that's just the ones in this country; not the brothels fronting as lap dancing clubs in Eastern Europe, the Canaries etc.

superplumb · 02/11/2023 19:19

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:33

I take your points about professions, etc. Thanks for the input.
The difference is that these same men are involved in work such as investigating trafficked women. Raiding brothels and so on. (Whereby they help those women to get out.)
It just strikes me as a double-standard.
I don't know the particulars of the club they went to, but from reading other MN threads, some clubs have girls being paid for sex. (Again, the rights and wrongs of that aside.)
I think that regardless of my personal views, they are in fact supposed to be upholding a standard of behaviour whilst off-duty - according to the force, not me.
Does anyone, any officers out there, have knowledge of this?

And some dr deal with issues relating to trafficked women such as injuries or psychological damage.
It isn't illegal he was of duty. Nothing wrong. Would I want my husband to ho? No not really but no differnect to a group of men on a stag weekend.

Stripperyone · 02/11/2023 19:25

I've been a stripper for a long time and although nobody can ever be 100% sure, I really really do not think anyone was trafficked. That's mainly the realm of other parts of the sex industry. A lot were oppressed and had had not very nice lives, but not trafficked.

Papacharlie · 03/11/2023 01:27

For what it is worth I do agree, to an extent

However, the reality is I found my male colleagues to be the most misogynistic of all the males I've known in my life, and so I am not shocked they all went en mass to a strip club.

Personally, I understand your viewpoint because as cops we see vulnerable exploited, women and many of these women are trafficked into see work and strip clubs. Although it is legal, there are many women working in this environment against their will. However, I saw the contempt of many male officers in the way they spoke about victims of rape and domestic violence. So I'm not shocked, not at all.

I'm not saying there aren't good cops, but I've had to cover up so much immoral, disgusting behaviour by being made to sign a none disclosure agreement, and what I cover up is predominantly crimes against women.

Fionaville · 03/11/2023 01:33

It's gross. I'd be sickened if my DH went to one. It doesn't surprise me that a bunch of coppers would go to one, it says it all. One big boys club.

Tighginn · 03/11/2023 02:17

Police integrity and ethics...I hear you op.

Hecate01 · 03/11/2023 05:04

I think MN has the opinion that everyone who works in the sex industry is there unwillingly.

My friend danced her way through uni in a strip club so she could leave debt free and she made a lot of money. She felt safe at all times and is now a teacher and happily married.

There's nothing illegal about it so each to their own. For me the OP seems to be looking for something on her ex husband but that's my opinion.

CareConumdrum · 03/11/2023 05:11

HelpMeUnpickThis · 29/10/2023 13:33

Joining you in the minority. I totally aggree with you @TheIckFactor and @Nonplusultra

Show quote history

Agree too, if they view and objectify women this way, how can they treat women and girls with respect in their professional life?

angsanana · 03/11/2023 06:07

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:33

I take your points about professions, etc. Thanks for the input.
The difference is that these same men are involved in work such as investigating trafficked women. Raiding brothels and so on. (Whereby they help those women to get out.)
It just strikes me as a double-standard.
I don't know the particulars of the club they went to, but from reading other MN threads, some clubs have girls being paid for sex. (Again, the rights and wrongs of that aside.)
I think that regardless of my personal views, they are in fact supposed to be upholding a standard of behaviour whilst off-duty - according to the force, not me.
Does anyone, any officers out there, have knowledge of this?

OP, you're upset that your husband went to a strip club. Stop making this about people trafficking/ illegal brothels. Strip clubs are not these things.
Yes, there is a higher likelihood of those worlds colliding... but they are not one and the same.
Your beef is with your husband enjoying other women. Otherwise you'd be worried about the other potentially seedy (but non sexual) aspects of strip clubs like money laundering.

Northernparent68 · 03/11/2023 06:21

If you’re about to divorce him it‘d be better to let this go.

User1990C · 03/11/2023 06:39

Papacharlie · 03/11/2023 01:27

For what it is worth I do agree, to an extent

However, the reality is I found my male colleagues to be the most misogynistic of all the males I've known in my life, and so I am not shocked they all went en mass to a strip club.

Personally, I understand your viewpoint because as cops we see vulnerable exploited, women and many of these women are trafficked into see work and strip clubs. Although it is legal, there are many women working in this environment against their will. However, I saw the contempt of many male officers in the way they spoke about victims of rape and domestic violence. So I'm not shocked, not at all.

I'm not saying there aren't good cops, but I've had to cover up so much immoral, disgusting behaviour by being made to sign a none disclosure agreement, and what I cover up is predominantly crimes against women.

So you're complicit with the culture and crimes against women, but you speak as if you have a moral superiority to them?

Guavafish1 · 03/11/2023 06:41

lawyers and Judges too

Seaglass7 · 03/11/2023 06:45

I agree with you, OP.

Would be interested to hear from any female police officers and their views on this?

SilverGlitterBaubles · 03/11/2023 06:53

I would question the judgement of married police officers or anyone else who would choose to go to a strip club for a work Christmas party.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 03/11/2023 08:48

I don't think it's unacceptable for an off duty police officer to go to a strip club with his friends as much as I would not accept that in my relationship. However, I do think it is unacceptable for this to be a works Christmas do. I work in a regulated profession (SW) and I think if our works Christmas do was to a strip club that could be considered bringing our employer into disrepute.

Papacharlie · 03/11/2023 15:16

No. I left my role because I fought against it. I walked out of a career that cost me a future loss of earnings of 600k to take my moral stance. You have NO idea what happened to me with those male colleagues. And you have NO idea how many women i defended until the point it broke me. I joined forces with the former chief constable, but we will never be abke to tackle the misogny. It's endemic. But come for me if it makes you feel better. The iront being, you are the one trying to act superior here, talking to me with such contempt, with zero knowledge of the circumstances, or understanding of what I have witnessed, been subjected to, and fought against. I hope you're not female yourself.

I don't think I'm superior to anyone. Don't you love the Internet 😆

Stripperyone · 03/11/2023 16:43

@Papacharlie I was a despatch officer for a time. The misogyny and nepotism is rife. It drove me out-I was horribly mistreated-I haven't read all your posts so I am sure your experience was FAR worse than mine but it was horrible. One bullying supervisor has recently been discovered for having sex with much younger colleagues and generally flirting and being inappropriate-the same one who treated me like trash (e.g if I made a simple mistake I'd be dragged into a room and shouted at-another colleague makes the same mistake and it's never even mentioned-but a lot of worse things than that. They've recently sent me a letter asking me to go back and as I am looking for work a former supervisor messaged me on fb asking the same.

They'd have to pay me £10k a week. Seriously. Never again.

Stripperyone · 03/11/2023 16:43

Forgot to add, guess what he got for doing that with young female colleagues? And mistreating ones who wouldn't sleep with him?

That's right. Slap on the wrist 'Don't do it again mate, yeh?' Halloween Angry