Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that off-duty police shouldn't go to a strip club?

180 replies

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:20

Name change here.

My STBXH has admitted that when we were still very much together, he and his police buddies (only the blokes) went to a strip club in another city on their Christmas get-together...

Now it makes sense why they'd travel 100 miles - not for the Christmas markets...

I got the bullshit 'didn't want to be left out/I was drunk'. Yep, a married man, a copper, in his 40s can succumb to peer pressure apparently, poor thing. Yeah, right.

Oh yeah, and it was two Christmases! So that bullshit excuse is stretched real thin the second time. Lovely. Happy Christmas, darling.

So, the rights and wrongs of strip clubs in general - and I'm very much of the view that they're exploitative of women; and of husbands/partners doing this on the sly aside,
what do you all think of off-duty police officers going as a group (probably 10+, I'd guess) to strip clubs?

I feel it speaks to a culture of misogyny within the police, that they would think this is ok, but AIBU?

OP posts:
ginasevern · 30/10/2023 15:49

@TheIckFactor

Sorry I'm so late responding to you. I completely "got" the context you were talking about and I knew we were on the same page. I was reading another MN thread a few days ago where the OP was horrified to discover on some Government site the sheer number of police officers under disciplinary action for sexual offences (and other vile behaviour) against women. How can any woman justify an all male piss up with naked women thrown in as a suitable works party for public servants where misogyny and sexual assault is rife. Don't they read the papers?

Oblomov23 · 30/10/2023 15:53

Nope, disagree, any profession can go if they want to. Not for me, but can't see the issue.

Didimum · 30/10/2023 16:01

I do think the profession matters here. Police officers are public servants. Akin to civil servants – in work hours or otherwise – not being allowed to take part in any political or public activity that may compromise their service.

Enderunicorn · 30/10/2023 16:46

It's gross and depressing. My friend (Met police) and his colleagues used to go after work fairly often.

Icequeen01 · 30/10/2023 19:24

What are people's thoughts if a female police officer goes to a strip club?

XenoBitch · 30/10/2023 19:27

Icequeen01 · 30/10/2023 19:24

What are people's thoughts if a female police officer goes to a strip club?

Or attends a hen night where there is a male stripper?

terraced · 30/10/2023 19:47

I don't understand what the problem is.

GoBackToSleepNowMyDarling · 30/10/2023 20:07

A teacher could lose their job if it became public knowledge that they'd been to a strip club (e.g. pictures in a newspaper or social media). Same for nurses. It's the same for getting outrageously drink as well, even though that's legal too.

mewkins · 30/10/2023 20:38

Nonplusultra · 29/10/2023 13:31

It absolutely speaks to their character and work culture.

The expectation that people in public office maintain certain moral standards has really only slipped in the last half century - still well within living memory.

I agree with you op but we’re probably in the minority.

Yeah I'm with you on this. This is particularly true right now, when the standards and culture of police forces are in the spotlight. It doesn't look great for their work Christmas party to be at a strip club. I'd say the same for other public servants too.

Forgotmylogindetails · 30/10/2023 20:39

Why ?

XenoBitch · 30/10/2023 21:53

GoBackToSleepNowMyDarling · 30/10/2023 20:07

A teacher could lose their job if it became public knowledge that they'd been to a strip club (e.g. pictures in a newspaper or social media). Same for nurses. It's the same for getting outrageously drink as well, even though that's legal too.

Not even as something as severe as a strip club.

When I was a student ODP (quick version - a theatre nurse), I was told I was not to attend a local gig of the musician/comedian 'Kunt and the Gang' in case I was seen and photographed, and therefore bringing the profession into disrepute.

TutuDesi · 30/10/2023 22:11

I don’t think it’s a good or desirable state of affairs that teachers and nurses can’t enjoy a pub crawl/night on the town to see a local band (or Magic Mike) without risking losing their job.

Those morality clauses are vestiges of another era based on Victorian middle class values because those professions were their private preserve since the first King Charles. Then we started allowing working class men to <gasp> get degrees and become teachers! Then even worse, working class girls were taught to read (when everyone thought then that a literate woman risks infertility and madness by overstimulating her brain!) All these clauses were added in Victorian times out of a fear of a “profession” becoming less respectable, of incoming working class nurses and teachers lowering the status.

They’re also usually only enforced on those of a working class (or minority) background. It’s a type of lawfare utilised to perpetuate class inequality.

Yellowishstone · 31/10/2023 08:07

It depends when it was I think. Attitudes have changed massively both in the public in regards to strip clubs and in regards to expectations of public servants like the Police, in a relatively short period of time.

Lovingitallnow · 31/10/2023 08:14

Firstly I personally would think less of anyone regardless of status or profession who would go. But certainly hearing about a male teacher in my child's school going would give me the ick and I'd not like it but such is life. All the male teachers getting together to organise a trip together would make me livid. What's going on in that staff room that meant that a group of men felt it was appropriate to organise that, what made them all realise they'd all be up for it. What are they discussing together at work where they have access to children/vulnerable women. And the same applies to police to my mind. One police man going is one thing, a whole gang working together is an issue.

Maddy70 · 31/10/2023 08:28

What on earth does his job have to do with it ?

Stilldigging · 31/10/2023 08:43

I think the important distinction is that to discredit the police they need to be identifiable as police officers. So if they went to the strip club, and it was not mentioned, then it would have no impact on public confidence because no one would know. If they went and openly identified themselves as police officers then I think there would be a problem, or if they were stupid enough to put it all over social media that they were police officers on a night out to a strip club. Even the police are allowed to do the wrong thing off duty, as long as it is legal.

Conkersinautumn · 31/10/2023 08:50

It's hardly a shock op. Police are misogynistic taking advantage to exploit and debase women at every opportunity when on duty, why is it this big surprise they're like it off duty? There aren't any good ones.

ChristmasQuestions · 31/10/2023 08:50

This is a depressing thread to read.

Of course we should expect police officers not to go to strip clubs. We depend on them as a society to protect all members of society, and in particular the most vulnerable members of society. I like to think that they went into the profession believing and hoping that they would achieve a fairer, better, safer society. They've seen first hand more than most the damage that the sex industry does, and the misogyny that our society is built on. To detach from that to the extent that they will pay for access to women's bodies is horrifying.

As for 'its legal therefore it's none of your business' really? That's a really fucking low bar. There's nothing wrong with having moral standards for ourselves and others.

The fact that it was a Christmas do for the male police officers is even worse. There's a group of them doing it together as organised entertainment. It's stomach turning. Do you fancy approaching any of that group as a victim of sexual assault and expect them to suddenly shed their internalised misogynist views? I don't.

Yes I'm ranting but I expect police officers to be decent humans who care about the respect and dignity of others and have basic moral standards that they live by.

Cosywintertime · 31/10/2023 08:51

I also think it’s fine if it was a reputable club. They do exist, In quite large numbers, where the women are there through choice and earn substantially. A seedy one. No of course not. No one should go to them.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 31/10/2023 09:11

Nothing illegal - I think you need to move on. Why on Earth are you still bringing this up - do you what to report him for something?? There are male strippers to and women use them. It’s not illegal.

WandaWonder · 31/10/2023 09:23

There are lots of people who come into contact with the ever increasing of the overused 'vulnerable' off duty is off duty

ChristmasQuestions · 31/10/2023 09:29

And morals are morals. You don't fake them at work and discard them the rest of the time, especially in a job like policing.

And overuse of the word vulnerable? Nah sorry not buying that. Has a serious whiff of the 'pc gone mad can't say anything these days' about it.

No wonder society is in the state it's in. Everyone has been trained to 'let boys be boys' because it's legal. Fucks sake.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 31/10/2023 09:34

I am happy to hold a law enforcement officer to higher standards than a refuse collector actually.

A man who views a woman or young girl as an object while off duty is unlikely to think differently on duty, when talking to a victim of sexual violence for example.

But sure I'll be viewed as a pearl clutcher Confused

mewkins · 31/10/2023 10:04

There's also something about it being linked with work eg. Coming back to the station and talking about it and the kind of culture this feeds into. Also how would this make their female colleagues feel (who are already in the minority and I'm sure put up with all kinds of crap on a daily basis undoubtedly dismissed as 'banter'). It's pretty grim.

Yellowishstone · 31/10/2023 10:23

ChristmasQuestions · 31/10/2023 08:50

This is a depressing thread to read.

Of course we should expect police officers not to go to strip clubs. We depend on them as a society to protect all members of society, and in particular the most vulnerable members of society. I like to think that they went into the profession believing and hoping that they would achieve a fairer, better, safer society. They've seen first hand more than most the damage that the sex industry does, and the misogyny that our society is built on. To detach from that to the extent that they will pay for access to women's bodies is horrifying.

As for 'its legal therefore it's none of your business' really? That's a really fucking low bar. There's nothing wrong with having moral standards for ourselves and others.

The fact that it was a Christmas do for the male police officers is even worse. There's a group of them doing it together as organised entertainment. It's stomach turning. Do you fancy approaching any of that group as a victim of sexual assault and expect them to suddenly shed their internalised misogynist views? I don't.

Yes I'm ranting but I expect police officers to be decent humans who care about the respect and dignity of others and have basic moral standards that they live by.

It depends when it was. OP said her STBEH disclosed it 'a long way down the line' and was now ashamed he went as a married man.

Our attitudes as a society have changed massively in a short period of time and quite rightly too.

There being a moral judgement on men viewing strippers or pornography and society seeing that as exploiting and abusing women is pretty modern.

I was born in 1978 when strippers were seen a pretty standard entertainment in working men's clubs and pubs. Being in primary school in the 80s you'd get the occasional pupil boy or girl bring in a porn mag they'd found at home or in a railway siding (lol). Page 3 was standard. And the porn mags could be easily seen in the newsagents if you were a tall enough kid. If you went to the pub with your parents they had those crisps and Peanut things hanging on the wall which revealed a top less woman.

In the late 90s and early 2000s, women were extremely objectified under the 'ladette' and 'lad mags' culture where strippers, glamour models and porn stars were no longer seen as a bit dirty or seedy but celebrities. And a lot of even more mainstream celebrities did photoshoots in their underwear and gave hypersexualised interviews. But It wasn't positioned as exploitation, it was a new idea of feminism, women making lots of money from exposing their bodies, in complete control of it and subverting all the previous exploitation of women by men.

It was sexy women wanting to be sexy and making money from it. And inviting other women to throw out the old misogynistic views of women being exploited for their sexualiity or being criticised for being sexual. This was FEMINIST WOMEN taking control

I went as a woman, to a strip club in the early 2000s because it was seen at that time, to be empowering to women who were making lots of money from stripping, porn or glamour modelling and the coolest, sexist women would go with their partners to enjoy this new expression of feminism and 'couples lap dances' were very popular.

Of course, it wasn't feminism but I didn't really know that 20 years ago.

Attitudes and times change. But even today, we have people who will argue that Cardi B and other hypersexualised public figures are not being exploited and she wasn't when she was a stripper. That there's a difference between abused traffic women being forced into things they don't want to do, and intelligent businesswomen making money from exploiting mens desires.