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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think that off-duty police shouldn't go to a strip club?

180 replies

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:20

Name change here.

My STBXH has admitted that when we were still very much together, he and his police buddies (only the blokes) went to a strip club in another city on their Christmas get-together...

Now it makes sense why they'd travel 100 miles - not for the Christmas markets...

I got the bullshit 'didn't want to be left out/I was drunk'. Yep, a married man, a copper, in his 40s can succumb to peer pressure apparently, poor thing. Yeah, right.

Oh yeah, and it was two Christmases! So that bullshit excuse is stretched real thin the second time. Lovely. Happy Christmas, darling.

So, the rights and wrongs of strip clubs in general - and I'm very much of the view that they're exploitative of women; and of husbands/partners doing this on the sly aside,
what do you all think of off-duty police officers going as a group (probably 10+, I'd guess) to strip clubs?

I feel it speaks to a culture of misogyny within the police, that they would think this is ok, but AIBU?

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/10/2023 13:48

I don't think anyone should go to strip clubs, but I would have thought off-duty police are exactly the type who would go there?

rockinginarockingchair · 29/10/2023 13:50

Some policemen are more bent than the criminals.
Let people be its none of our bees wax what people do.

Original poster
TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:51

WhateverMate · 29/10/2023 13:24

I think you should stop holding married men to different standards according to their jobs.

So it's ok for a married refuse collector to exploit women?

Weird train of thought.

It wasn't about them being married, for one thing. It is about the fact that they encounter vulnerable women in the course of their work and are expected - by a code of ethics, theirs not mine - to not do anything to undermine public confidence in them.
The same can't be said of a refuse collector.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 29/10/2023 13:54

Decent men don’t go to strip clubs full stop.

Breadahead · 29/10/2023 13:59

Nonplusultra · 29/10/2023 13:31

It absolutely speaks to their character and work culture.

The expectation that people in public office maintain certain moral standards has really only slipped in the last half century - still well within living memory.

I agree with you op but we’re probably in the minority.

Completely agree.

But sadly the idea of groups of policemen in strip clubs doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

Simonjt · 29/10/2023 14:01

itsmyp4rty · 29/10/2023 13:39

The replies are very bizarre. The reason the OP is talking about police officers is because they are in a (should be) trusted position, there to protect people, and it is the job her ex did.

If groups of police officers thinks it's fine for women to be exploited and to take advantage of that by going to strip clubs then I don't know where that leaves women.

The things that Wayne Couzens openly did within the police force though just show that anything goes. But you know, as long as it was it was in his free time.

So are consultants, doctors, nurses, hca’s, carers, social workers, lawyers etc.

VoiceOfCommonSense · 29/10/2023 14:03

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:33

I take your points about professions, etc. Thanks for the input.
The difference is that these same men are involved in work such as investigating trafficked women. Raiding brothels and so on. (Whereby they help those women to get out.)
It just strikes me as a double-standard.
I don't know the particulars of the club they went to, but from reading other MN threads, some clubs have girls being paid for sex. (Again, the rights and wrongs of that aside.)
I think that regardless of my personal views, they are in fact supposed to be upholding a standard of behaviour whilst off-duty - according to the force, not me.
Does anyone, any officers out there, have knowledge of this?

You don’t know what you are taking about. Have you ever been to one or spoken to anyone who works in one? The women aren’t being trafficked or exploited in these places. They are paid very well and most chose to do the work for a short period to help them through university or to get ahead. They are professional licensed venues that have to adhere to strict rules. Vilifying then just adds to the stigma around them. If people want to go then it shouldn’t be a big thing unless they know it will make their partner uncomfortable.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/10/2023 14:08

If they were not in uniform, flashing their warrant cards, or booked tables in the name of X Police Force it might be difficult to say they were bringing their Force into disrepute but I think it's icky. I would feel very uncomfortable working anywhere that regarded this as an acceptable Christmas outing for the male members of staff.

Precipice · 29/10/2023 14:10

VoiceOfCommonSense · 29/10/2023 14:03

You don’t know what you are taking about. Have you ever been to one or spoken to anyone who works in one? The women aren’t being trafficked or exploited in these places. They are paid very well and most chose to do the work for a short period to help them through university or to get ahead. They are professional licensed venues that have to adhere to strict rules. Vilifying then just adds to the stigma around them. If people want to go then it shouldn’t be a big thing unless they know it will make their partner uncomfortable.

Show quote history

Well, I'm not the person you're replying to, but I have spoken and listened to women who have worked in strip clubs. After this, I have even more of an anti-strip club attitude than my previous general objection to places where men can go to stare and objectify naked women for their entertainment. You have an extremely rosy view of strip clubs. Many strip clubs involve actual direct prostitution, with the public dancing being a sort of 'advertisement' for the women. In private dancing, she has to keep the panties on, but the guy is still rubbing off against her.

It shouldn't be a 'big thing' for men to go to places that are part of the sex trade? For men to treat women as sex objects for their entertainment? Absolutely it should.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 29/10/2023 14:12

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:51

It wasn't about them being married, for one thing. It is about the fact that they encounter vulnerable women in the course of their work and are expected - by a code of ethics, theirs not mine - to not do anything to undermine public confidence in them.
The same can't be said of a refuse collector.

Show quote history

You're absolutely scraping for reasons to hate on your Ex. Just move on.

And BTW your line of argument is shit. Doctors encounter rape victims, sex workers and trafficking victims. Teachers deal with child victims of trafficking. Social workers deal with children of drug dealers and sex workers. But you're fine with all of these going to strip clubs because they're not your ex. And it's not undermining public confidence if they're 100 miles away, not in uniform, not telling anyone who they are, out of their jurisdiction and no one knows they're there. Just be honest with yourself that you're hellbent on revenge and stop trying to ruin his life. Maybe get therapy. Move on.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 29/10/2023 14:15

Oh and stop infantilising adult women who have chosen to do a specific job just because you don't like it. The vast majority of women in strip clubs aren't trafficked. If they were, the police would know exactly where to find them to shut them down. 🙄

WhateverMate · 29/10/2023 14:15

TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 13:51

It wasn't about them being married, for one thing. It is about the fact that they encounter vulnerable women in the course of their work and are expected - by a code of ethics, theirs not mine - to not do anything to undermine public confidence in them.
The same can't be said of a refuse collector.

Show quote history

I got the bullshit 'didn't want to be left out/I was drunk'. Yep, a married man, a copper, in his 40s can succumb to peer pressure apparently, poor thing. Yeah, right.

This ^ and the Happy Christmas darling lead me to believe it was also^ about being married, or why mention it?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/10/2023 14:15

VoiceOfCommonSense · 29/10/2023 14:03

You don’t know what you are taking about. Have you ever been to one or spoken to anyone who works in one? The women aren’t being trafficked or exploited in these places. They are paid very well and most chose to do the work for a short period to help them through university or to get ahead. They are professional licensed venues that have to adhere to strict rules. Vilifying then just adds to the stigma around them. If people want to go then it shouldn’t be a big thing unless they know it will make their partner uncomfortable.

Show quote history

The issue isn't really the motivation the women who work there though. It's about the attitude of the audience, who are paying to see women act as if they are sexually available. Does this reflect a general belief that all/many women are sexual objects?

roundtable · 29/10/2023 14:15

I'm with you op. Mostly because it was Christmas get together and so work related. Which means they are excluding the women on the team - unless they are supposed to smile and go along with going to a strip club as their Christmas night out. I think most posters would be miffed if their christmas do was a visit to a strip club.

I also agree with that vulnerable women, crime links etc being the opposite of the values they are supposed to uphold.

I would think that in my profession (teaching) that it would be a breach of professional standards. Especially if it was organised as a Christmas night out!

Original poster
TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 14:21

Wow, SisterMichaelsHabit, that's quite a leap - and a vitriolic one. My ex and I are on good terms, hence the honest conversation in which this came out. I would never want to 'ruin his life'! That's way off.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/10/2023 14:26

I dont think it's any more inappropriate than any other profession.

However I don't think any work night out should end up in a strip club. It's not inclusive and it's not professional. Group of friends from work then maybe but there is a fine line between group of friends from work and a work night out and I know of people who have been sacked for things that happened on work nights out. So if it was an official Christmas night out, then definitely shouldn't have happened

Original poster
TheIckFactor · 29/10/2023 14:29

WhateverMate · 29/10/2023 14:15

I got the bullshit 'didn't want to be left out/I was drunk'. Yep, a married man, a copper, in his 40s can succumb to peer pressure apparently, poor thing. Yeah, right.

This ^ and the Happy Christmas darling lead me to believe it was also^ about being married, or why mention it?

Show quote history

Ah, I see. Well, I was referring to my husband's own situation at the time - why the strip club story was only coming out now, a long way down the line. He was ashamed of it, being married.

But I didn't speak of the other officers' relationship statuses. That aspect isn't relevant to me. The 'Happy Christmas, darling' was a bit of light relief on my part - but as I've said to another poster, he and I are on good terms.

But the question I asked was specific to police - because of their code of ethics - not to married men or men whose professions don't hold them to such a code.

OP posts:
Timeforchangeithink · 29/10/2023 14:29

What about care assistants, nurses, doctors, prison officers, psychiatrists, shouldn't you be including them too? For me any person who visits places like these have no room in my personal life, irrespective of their job!

rvturnbull · 29/10/2023 14:34

I worked on some of the teams you mention OP, long time ago now and glad to be out. Groups of police going to strip clubs doesn't surprise me, there is a lot of fragile ego wannabe alpha maleism in the police. I used to avoid shift does like the plague and saw strip clubs as a place where fragile egos get stroked for stupid money.

I wasn't saint though, I was just far happier paying to have my cock stroked rather than my ego. I had worked on trafficking jobs, trained up to the hilt, so I was discerning who I booked. Fully appreciate i was helping pay for some coke/party drug habits.

As long as they discharge their duties properly with fairness, impartiality and good judgement then surely their personal predilicitions (if legal) are their own business?

They should leave the job, far more cash to be made on the outside!

WiIIow · 29/10/2023 14:37

I dont see a problem with it. Strip clubs are legal, he wasn't doing anything illegal.

Isittimeformynapyet · 29/10/2023 14:39

Chickpea17 · 29/10/2023 13:34

Who should be allowed to go to strip clubs then?
It's really none of your business it's not a legal.

  • Illegal
ChristmasFluff · 29/10/2023 14:42

This is the thing about being a professional - you are never off-duty enough to go to a strip club. Even in your own time, you have to behave in a manner that will not bring your profession into disrepute.

rvturnbull · 29/10/2023 14:54

Yeah right - by that logic police or any professional shouldn't be allowed to be intoxicated either. Why should a professionals personal life be subject to such a level of scrutiny? Most dont pay that well

LakeTiticaca · 29/10/2023 14:56

I would rather hear of a few off Duty cops going to a strip club than hear of a practising GP openly celebrating Hamas, wouldn't you?

Firebug007 · 29/10/2023 14:57

I'm with you OP and staggered at the amount of women in here making excuses for men wanting to degrade and exploit women. They may be legal but they really bloody well shouldn't be.