Page 7 | To think that my parents are utterly abhorrent?

Mysteriousgirl2 · 2023-10-29T09:09:17+00:00

They are racist, homophobic and sexist. Just generally horrible people who have no empathy or idea about the world around them. They hate all refugees and think that they ‘deserve it’ They are incredibly selfish and wealthy. They have never helped me with my three young DC even though they have never worked and have loads of time. One of them is an alcoholic and they both drink drive all the time and have two big powerful SUVs. I don’t know how they haven’t had any bad crashes yet. I think I hate them. AIBU?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 30/10/2023 17:25

TomeTome · 29/10/2023 09:16

So basically you want babysitting for free but can turn a blind eye to the rest if you get it?

I think you need to rethink

This.
Free babysitting seems to be top of your priorities here.

Original poster

Mysteriousgirl2 · 30/10/2023 17:27

@Daisybuttercup12345

Out of interest, have you read any of this thread?

OP posts:

leli · 30/10/2023 17:33

80% of people think you’re reasonable OP. So don’t worry about the haters.

DriftingDora · 30/10/2023 17:40

Mysteriousgirl2 · 30/10/2023 17:10

I don’t understand any of these references. What’s going on?

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Never watched 'The Godfather' with Marlon Brando? Bet your parents have!

Original poster

Mysteriousgirl2 · 30/10/2023 17:42

@DriftingDora No I haven’t seen it but thank you for explaining the reference to me.

OP posts:

Pinkpinkplonk · 30/10/2023 17:52

Mysteriousgirl2 · 30/10/2023 17:23

I did not have a life of luxury. I was a girl in a house full of boys. Education was only for the boys. They got sent to boarding school, I didn’t. I had a really miserable upbringing.

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I honestly think you’re best off out!

Theokaycokey · 30/10/2023 18:06

They don't sound great. Very self absorbed and lacking in empathy. However, they are a product of their upbringing. They can be crap parents (and crap/flawed people), but I don't believe that parents don't love their children. I'm sure that they would feel so sad to know how much you dislike them. I bet that they don't intend to make you feel this way. It's just that they've been bought up to be entitled and selfish. Have you told them how they make you feel? How you feel as though they don't care if you are struggling with the children or don't care about you? How hurt you feel by their lack of support? Is it worth at least laying some of your cards on the table here and also raise the issue of their drinking? Have you explained how close you feel to walking away? It might be worth a try. Or it might give you some closure. That said, I would be surprised if they could change much at their age. It's about finding a way to either maintain some sort of relationship with boundaries or feeling ok to distance yourself. Ultimately you need to do the best for you, but going n/c isn't always an easy option. There are some good sites online that give advice on whether to go NC or not and how to navigate such hard situations. I do kind of get it as some of what you say resonates with me and I definitely used to feel resentful when the children were younger and I desperately needed some help, esp if I was ever under the weather..(I also had a husband to care for as he had been in a coma and had a long recovery ahead whilst I had an 8 mth old baby and small child). I used to feel so frustrated. Now I am less so, although have a few more boundaries in place. I would add that my step dad is absolutely wonderful though, but both of my biological parents seemed dysfunctional, drank and were spoiled.

MummyShah369 · 30/10/2023 18:55

Well I did not realise they treated you differently… in some ways you are more prepared as a result of your upbringing. I would have a frank conversation with them potentially with a mediator uncle / aunt etc

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 22:00

blacksax · 29/10/2023 10:49

Yes, quite.

Why would anyone want sexist, racist, homophobic drunk drivers looking after their children?

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Because you always want your parents.

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 22:06

Tbh, i'm shocked that people are making light of someone having shit parents. It's in no way funny at all whatsoever. We (most of us anyway) would understand that it's not funny to laugh about parents here.

Mari9999 · 30/10/2023 22:22

@Chickenkeev
I don't think that anyone is making light of thinking that you may have had "shit parents' so much ad they are questioning the feeling of entitlement to the time and resources of the people that you think of as " shit parents and shit people. " The OP may be perfectly right in her characterization of her parents, but why then is she resenting their lack of assistance? At no point in her telling does she say what assistance or positive interaction that she brings to their lives. It is all about what they do not do for her. Should there not be some mutual exchange of assistance,

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 22:24

Mari9999 · 30/10/2023 22:22

@Chickenkeev
I don't think that anyone is making light of thinking that you may have had "shit parents' so much ad they are questioning the feeling of entitlement to the time and resources of the people that you think of as " shit parents and shit people. " The OP may be perfectly right in her characterization of her parents, but why then is she resenting their lack of assistance? At no point in her telling does she say what assistance or positive interaction that she brings to their lives. It is all about what they do not do for her. Should there not be some mutual exchange of assistance,

I have no idea what you're trying to say there.

haribosmarties · 30/10/2023 22:30

I feel for you its very hard. My mum can be a terrible person but I still love her which makes it painful. Good for you if you've just got to the point where you are done with it and can detach. It does hurt, especially when you see people around you with good relationships with their loving and supportive families. And a lot of the time these people really don't understand what it feels like to have cold, selfish narcissist parents. They think 'well they must love you' and 'they put an expensive roof over your head' they don't understand what it feels like to grow up around those awful attitudes and that coldness..

blacksax · 31/10/2023 13:11

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 22:00

Because you always want your parents.

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And even though your parents are abusive, you'd still want them to look after your children, would you?

OswaldSpengler14 · 31/10/2023 13:20

I bet, if they opened their wallets for you, you wouldn’t be arsed about the drink driving and racism.

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 13:32

blacksax · 31/10/2023 13:11

And even though your parents are abusive, you'd still want them to look after your children, would you?

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Not neccessarily. But that's a very loaded question tbh. You might not realise your parents are abusive for example. Abuse can be glaringly obvious, but it can also be very subtle. In my case, the abusive parent was of the 'glaringly obvious' variety, and he never properly met my daughter (his first grandchild). I had been NC for a few years previous to having her. But when he died, I absolutely grieved for the relationship that should have been. He would have adored her. He loved babies. Just not his own. But anyway, had he lived, there was the potential for a relationship. I think I can safely say though, to answer your actual question, that he would never have been left to mind her.

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 13:35

OswaldSpengler14 · 31/10/2023 13:20

I bet, if they opened their wallets for you, you wouldn’t be arsed about the drink driving and racism.

That's a bit of a leap!

JFT · 31/10/2023 14:17

They sound repulsive.

Minimise your contact with them and also do not allow them in any way to 'care take' your children because you have already declared that they are unsafe.

IIRC road traffic accident is the highest cause of deaths of infants and well, even if I'm mistaken then why would you knowingly allow a pair of drunks to be in charge of your kids?

I appreciate having abusive parents muddles the mind up but stick with your intuition and maintain clarity of mind.

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 17:24

OswaldSpengler14 · 31/10/2023 13:20

I bet, if they opened their wallets for you, you wouldn’t be arsed about the drink driving and racism.

I'm going to give you a second chance, to read back what you said. And if you still feel that you (for some bizarre reason) have the right to be an utter cunt to someone who was talking about childhood trauma, then fuck you frankly. I've been here a long time, and i don't swear at people. But you are an absolute arsehole tbh. and my darling dad didn't leave us fuck all just so you know. Not that it matters. Reducing childhood trauma to fucking money is so scummy. What does it say about your thought processes?

blacksax · 01/11/2023 14:08

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 13:32

Not neccessarily. But that's a very loaded question tbh. You might not realise your parents are abusive for example. Abuse can be glaringly obvious, but it can also be very subtle. In my case, the abusive parent was of the 'glaringly obvious' variety, and he never properly met my daughter (his first grandchild). I had been NC for a few years previous to having her. But when he died, I absolutely grieved for the relationship that should have been. He would have adored her. He loved babies. Just not his own. But anyway, had he lived, there was the potential for a relationship. I think I can safely say though, to answer your actual question, that he would never have been left to mind her.

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The OP literally says she thinks her parents are 'utterly abhorrent' so she does realise, and that is what the thread is about. My original remark was responding to another pp anyway.

Tryingtodobetter82 · 01/11/2023 23:29

@OswaldSpengler14
sorry to jump on here & I don’t know the original poster so may very well be different.
My mum buys my kids big presents and gives me money when ever she hasn’t seen us for months. To be honest that has caused an even bigger wall between us.
I couldn’t care less if she didn’t have 1p to her name, I’m just desperate for her to want to have a relationship with my kids, no money, just love.

I’m done on a personal note like the OP, but I want my children to feel loved by their grandmother.

maddening · 01/11/2023 23:54

Mysteriousgirl2 · 29/10/2023 10:08

@Sceptre86 you come across as a reasonable and sensible person.

In truth, I’m not sure what I wanted from this post. I suppose I would be interested if anyone said that their parents are like that, but they still try and have a relationship with them.

I don’t want them near my children to be honest and I would never let them drive my children.

However, at the same time, I don’t want to be the person that damages their relationship with their grandparents.

I’m sad that they don’t help out, but also glad that I can protect my children from them. That probably doesn’t make much sense; I know it’s a bit muddled. It’s just hard/ sad when you see so many grandparents at the school gates etc and we’ve never had that.

It is totally understandable imo -.if you could wave a magic wand you would have lovely parents who love and cherish you and your family and they would be your place of comfort and love, somewhere you were safe and that had your back in the world, you are sad that your parents ate horrible people that you don't want to know - of course this is upsetting and confusing- if is so conflicting emotionally.

tamade · 02/11/2023 00:06

@Mysteriousgirl2 Are you prince Harry?

tamade · 02/11/2023 00:06

@Mysteriousgirl2 Are you prince Harry?