To think that my parents are utterly abhorrent?

[Mysteriousgirl2]

They are racist, homophobic and sexist. Just generally horrible people who have no empathy or idea about the world around them. They hate all refugees and think that they ‘deserve it’

They are incredibly selfish and wealthy. They have never helped me with my three young DC even though they have never worked and have loads of time.

One of them is an alcoholic and they both drink drive all the time and have two big powerful SUVs. I don’t know how they haven’t had any bad crashes yet.

I think I hate them. AIBU?

Some pretty obvious questions..

1. why haven't you reported them to the police for drink driving (in an SUV, for God's sake - and you are a parent, too!)?
2. why would you even want drunks looking after your kids? This says more about you than it does about them
3. if you find them so abhorrent (a) why do you need validation and (b) why are you still having any involvement with them?
4. Is it really about their money and whether they could help you financially?
5. because someone has to say it.....is it still school holidays?

I suppose they are a product of their environment. I don't think I'd hate my parents if they were like this but I'd acknowledge we were very different people and that I found it hard to get on board with the way they live.

I find tolerance is incredibly helpful these days, even when I think they are uneducated,selfish -nd mean people.

Why would you ever want racist, homophobic, selfish etc etc people to be in a position where they could have any influence at all over your children or expose your children to such awful views and risk your children learning to share them?

It's natural to want your children to have grandparents but when the grandparents they have are this horrible it's better to have none!

Any grandparent at any cost is not better than no grandparent.

Have you read Toxic Parents? I think you should.

I also think you should ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships.

I can’t understand why you’d want your children to be with alcoholics who drive drunk, are homophobic, racist et al.
Pass their registration numbers to their local police force with the info that they are alcoholics who drive.
You can go no nc with them if you’ve nothing to gain from the relationship but maybe you’re worried you’ll be cut from the Will.

It's not hard to imagine that OP wishes they were different. I didn't let my parents any where near my children without me present because they were so unreliable that they were dangerous, but that doesn't mean I didn't long for them to want to care for their grandchildren.

As someone who lost a family member to a drunk driver...

People who know others are driving under the unfluence and dont report it are pure scum.

I’m confused as to why you’re complaining that “racist, homophobic and sexist” alcoholics aren’t helping raise / look after your children.
You’re being very unreasonable if what you have said is the reality of who your parents are and you would be willing to leave your children in their care.
My dad drinks far, far too much and I suspect there are some addiction issues there - I would never leave my DD alone with him because of this but equally I wouldn’t be complaining he doesn’t help look after my DD.

Yes, you really should do this.

Could you live with yourself if they killed a child? They might kill your child.

I voted YABU purely because you know they drink and drive and you haven't reported them to the police. Other than that, your feelings are entirely valid, but you don't need us telling you that!

Hating them does nothing. Either report them for drink driving and go no contact or continue to enable them in the hope you inherit some money. AIBU can't help you.
Interesting that you've thrown everything at your OP (including ageism, SUVs and racist rhetoric) yet it still reads as though if they'd paid for a nanny for your 3 DCs you wouldn't hate your parents at all.

The problem with terrible parents is that part of you will always wish you had their love and their interest in you. OP hates how awful and selfish they are and part of what she hates is that they have no interest in helping her or spending time with her children. Presumably part of her wish that they would make an effort would involve them being sober when they were with her and her kids. I can't see anything weird or contradictory about that.

Great. My eldest is 8. That would mean that you’ve already had 16-24 nights off more than me.

It’s always the mothers who have the most support who critique those who don’t.

I don’t want money or free childcare from my parents but would like love and support.

I knew that raising my own children is my own responsibility from day one thank you. I had a really bad baby loss at home, was bleeding loads, in shock and agony and had no one to take me to hospital. My mother lived next door at the time but couldn’t help because she was ‘walking the dog’. My DH raced back from work but got to me 2 hours later still on the bathroom floor.

Sometimes you need to walk in someone’s else’s shoes a little before you judge.

A post containing as many stereotypes of things that are anathema as possible.

Seguro, seguro...

Actually, the definition of a stereotype is something which is often deemed unfair or untrue. Sadly, this is not the case here.

@Mysteriousgirl2 you might want to have a look at the long running "But we took you to stately homes" threads in Relationships. Its a pretty good way to check in on where your own family sits on the dysfunctional scale.

I would really like to report them.

However here are some issues:

1. I do not live near them so I don’t know exactly when they drive home from the pub/ nights out. I definitely do not socialise with them.
2. They have 4 different vehicles so would I give all those Reg numbers?
3. They are incredibly powerful people. If they find out I did this, they might harm me or my DC. (They have done similar to someone in the past who crossed them)

Can't adsvise on the relationship with your parents, but I would dob them in for other reasons about the drink driving, which is a public safety issue.

They are incredibly powerful people.

what on earth does this mean?

Royalty?

MPs?

Mafia?

Fingers in lots of local businesses?

OP.
They sound very limited people (morals/personality).
It's especially sad as it sounds as though they've had more opportunity to do good with their lives than many of us do (eg not needing to work so could have volunteered full time / used some money to help local good causes, given to refugee centres etc). They also sound actively dangerous (drink driving, & yes, I'd report all 4 vehicle numbers, eventually 1 of them will be pulled at 'right' time).

I'm sorry you have such shitty parents. It might be useful to have some counselling to come to terms with this. You will get some good advice here but also some won't understand.

@tpxqi People use words like mourning and grieving in the case of a dysfunctional parent/child relationship because unfortunately that’s what the child eventually needs to do regarding said relationship. You mourn the parental figure you never had, you mourn the awful relationship you’ve got. You grieve because you know it isn’t ever going to get better. Eventually you move past it as best you can, but honestly in a lot of cases you grieve for the rest of your life- I know I will. It’s a terrible situation to be in, op I feel for you!

We live in the 21st century. The thought that someone can get away with drink driving because of their power is not realistic. They'll face irrefutable evidence, be taken off the road and for all they would know it was a random breath test.

I suspect had they been there looking after your children as much as you wanted them to, that you wouldn’t be posting. I think the hate towards them is not so much because they’re racist and homophobic, but because they don’t help you look after your kids (which you chose to have)

YANBU I would be embarrassed if they were my parents.
YANBU not to report them knowing they drink drive.

Sounds like you want them to be something that they will never be.