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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my parents are utterly abhorrent?

174 replies

Mysteriousgirl2 · 29/10/2023 09:09

They are racist, homophobic and sexist. Just generally horrible people who have no empathy or idea about the world around them. They hate all refugees and think that they ‘deserve it’

They are incredibly selfish and wealthy. They have never helped me with my three young DC even though they have never worked and have loads of time.

One of them is an alcoholic and they both drink drive all the time and have two big powerful SUVs. I don’t know how they haven’t had any bad crashes yet.

I think I hate them. AIBU?

OP posts:
Tapasita · 29/10/2023 11:30

For all those posters saying “well, you wouldn’t want people like this around your children,” I think they’re slightly missing the point actually. This is about OP grieving for the relationship she and her kids could have had with them.

WhateverMate · 29/10/2023 11:31

One of them is an alcoholic and they both drink drive all the time and have two big powerful SUVs. I don’t know how they haven’t had any bad crashes yet.

And yet you would've liked them to help you with your kids?

ThereIbledit · 29/10/2023 11:32

Please report them every time they drink and drive. They might lose their licence: Somebody else may lose their life. One outcome is much is worse than the other.

My father killed someone whilst DUI.
What happened to him and what kind of relationship did you/do you have with him? Did he go to prison and if so how long for?

I'm finding this response from you really hard to comprehend. Somebody DIED as a result of him drink-driving. Somebody's children have to live without their mother, and somebody has to live without his wife. I think what you are interested in paying attention to is really backwards.

I couldn't even consider letting people like your parents have access to my children. I couldn't even consider not reporting them every single time that I knew that they got behind the wheel of a car having had a drink. I would try to have a relationship with them, but it would be very carefully boundaried.

Birch101 · 29/10/2023 11:35

I would hate them too.

Mari9999 · 29/10/2023 11:38

@Mysteriousgirl2
What kind of assistance do you feel that they are denying you? Surely, you do not want functioning alcoholics caring or driving your children. So if it is not physical assistance is it financial assistance? They do not owe you any financial assistance, and given your dislike of them, why do you feel that they should want to assist you?

Healthy relationships involve. giving and receiving flowing in both directions. What positives do you add to their lives? It is possible to love one's parents without sharing their philosophical or political views. You love them because they loved, reared, cared, educated, and supported you. They could have done all of this in spite of their regrettable social and philosophical views.

Maybe if you look at them with some measure of love rather than expectation it might be possible to begin to build a different kind of relationship with them, assuming that they too feel an absence in their relationship with you.

If it is only their money that you are missing, they really do not owe that to you. You seem to have disdain for them for having money that they did not earn, so surely , you don't want them to give you money that you did not earn.

daffodilandtulip · 29/10/2023 11:38

My parents are racist, homophobic and sexist. They sided with my violent ex.
They are generally quite poor, and my mother faked illnesses all her working life to get benefits, which she was miraculously cured from the day she turned 60.

However, I went NC with them when my children were small as I didn't want them to "inherit" their ways; and they send me £100 each Christmas, that I promptly send back.

Firsttimemum120 · 29/10/2023 11:42

I hate this attitude. It was your decision your responsibility and your life you chose to bring children into it and not your parents or anyone else around you for that matter so why should they help. I get 2/3 nights off a year a year. But I’ve grown and realised it’s my life and my job and my own responsibility. Even if my mother had all the money in the world I wouldn’t expect her to fund my childrens lives I also would think about her and how she is now living her life after bringing up 4 children until she reached the age of 54. Your children your problem. Your not entitled to anything from them even if it would be nice. Some grandparents take thir grand kids every weekend or every other but I’m so glad mine don’t and is now enjoying her life.

ChrisPPancake · 29/10/2023 11:43

I don't think I'd want people like that helping out with my kids so you're unreasonable imo to list that in reasons why you don't like them!

If you're certain they're driving drunk you should report it.

Firsttimemum120 · 29/10/2023 11:44

plus my child’s grandparent on the other side is a functioning alcoholic and drug taker and she used to abuse my partner.. even for an easier life you wouldn’t see me leaving my child there not once.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 29/10/2023 11:46

One wonders what they think of the OP?

Inyournewdress · 29/10/2023 11:47

For the drink driving alone they are utterly abhorrent.
Can anyone here advise what OP can do to try and get them off the roads? Trouble is the law is so weak but even a temporary ban is something. If it was honestly the only way to get these heartless criminals off the road, their death would be preferable to the constant risk to innocent lives, and it should never come to that but with the weak laws it does. A regular offender near my mum’s house recently killed himself in a crash but tragically took another young life with him and caused life changing severe injuries to another teenager. There’s a strong moral argument for killing people like your parents, it sounds awful to say but really when you think of other road users it’s true.

Honeychickpea · 29/10/2023 11:52

Sounds like you wouldn't have any issues if they minded your kids for free and/or handed you money for a nanny or to sit on your ass.

YouJustDoYou · 29/10/2023 11:56

YOU are in the wrong for not shopping them in when they drink/drive. I've seen first hand what a drunk driver accident looks like.

Honeychickpea · 29/10/2023 11:57

viques · 29/10/2023 10:09

So what is the real issue? The drinking, their opinions, your jealousy over their wealth or the fact that for some reason you resent these unpleasant people for not giving you free child care?

It doesn't take Einstein to work it out.

Tryingtodobetter82 · 29/10/2023 11:59

I totally get this.
My dad disappeared when we were 11.
my mum moved 200 miles away when we were about 20/21. Harley see her, maybe 2/3 times a year.
never present with my kids, she hasn’t been to one birthday of theirs. Her husband bitches about me and my siblings to anyone who will listen.

I honestly don’t really talk to my mum anymore, it hurts that she wants nothing to do with me or my kids. She’s very narcissistic, will tell everyone she loves us so so much, but never ever sees us or my children. I’m so sick of both of them.

I’m sorry I’m not much help but if you ever need to talk feel free to send me a private message

Zebedee999 · 29/10/2023 12:02

There is more to this story than we are being told here!

Oliotya · 29/10/2023 12:08

God people are so insensitive.
OP you allowed to mourn for the loving, involved family you don't have.

Surprisingcomment · 29/10/2023 12:09

Report them for drink driving

Pinkpinkplonk · 29/10/2023 12:09

Surely @Mysteriousgirl2 this is really about the sadness about you wanting your parents to be different. And the realisation that they aren’t the people you want them to be. Somehow you may be able to build relationships, could you invite them for a picnic in the park for instance, or to the cinema with the children to see a kids film? Fairly neutral stuff which they might enjoy without having to put too much effort in themselves might be a start

LifeExperience · 29/10/2023 12:12

So your big problem with them is that they are wealthy but haven't given you money and do not work but haven't helped you with your children. They are neither legally nor morally required to do either. You're an adult. It is your job to provide for your family and to raise your children, not theirs.

AmandasFleckerl · 29/10/2023 12:15

They have never helped me with my three young DC even though they have never worked and have loads of time.

Why would you want your racist, homophobic, alcoholic, drink driving parents to help with your children?

tpxqi · 29/10/2023 12:15

What’s with all the over dramatized language like mourning and grieving on this thread. No one has died. Yet. Get a grip.

As for OP, it sounds like her real issue is that her parents don’t provide childcare or giver her money. It’s not entirely unreasonable to accept some help on the childcare front. They money thing just sounds entitled.

The problem here is that OP is using all the social stuff to mask her dissatisfaction with not getting help from her parents. Which is disingenuous. She clearly wouldn’t say no to free childcare of money from the parents she finds so abhorrent for their views and drink driving. It’s a bit hypocritical.

Jewelspun · 29/10/2023 12:17

Why should they help you in your life choices?

Report the drunk driving if you see them doing it.

Iforgotmyusernameagainandagain · 29/10/2023 12:28

What about the paternal grandparents @Mysteriousgirl2 ? Are they involved in the childrens lives?

FSTraining · 29/10/2023 12:35

Mysteriousgirl2 · 29/10/2023 09:09

They are racist, homophobic and sexist. Just generally horrible people who have no empathy or idea about the world around them. They hate all refugees and think that they ‘deserve it’

They are incredibly selfish and wealthy. They have never helped me with my three young DC even though they have never worked and have loads of time.

One of them is an alcoholic and they both drink drive all the time and have two big powerful SUVs. I don’t know how they haven’t had any bad crashes yet.

I think I hate them. AIBU?

They sound like about a third of their generation. Unfortunately not only are they selfish arseholes, but they have plenty of other people the same age negatively reinforcing their opinions. I think it comes from the wealth that they have amassed, largely as a result of government help. It's made them all arrogant and entitled.