DH going away for few days

[Biancagreenly]

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

I shouldn't have called our dog a puppy, I still think of him as a puppy but he is nearly 2. Before DS arrived he was a very relaxed dog but when DS arrived he reverted back to being extremely needy and puppy-like. So yes, I am extremely sorry I couldn't predict how my dog's behaviour would change... silly me.

I understand you're feeling defensive but really, this is something you should have been aware of when you decided to have a baby.

It's common knowledge that dogs change when babies come along - they go from being the centre of your world to being on the sidelines. The baby (naturally) takes priority and the dog is left feeling a bit "wtf" about all the changes to their world.

Two seconds of research would tell you that dogs and babies are a really difficult combination, especially when the dog is barely out of puppyhood and still needing a lot of attention and focus.

Obviously you can't get rid of the dog now but there is a lot you could do to help the dog feel more settled and to help them adjust to such a big life change.

I don’t think he should cancel his stag weekend but as the current primary care giver (paternity leave) why is he not arranging childcare on your working days? What is the long term plan for work / childcare?

I wouldn't have an issue with this per se because my DH is fab and really does pull his weight, my kids are 5 and 2 and he's never been abroad on a stag do before. He's never been invited to one abroad but if he was I'd be happy for him to go in principle (even if our kids were younger etc). I admit I would find it tough though, but then I have always had mental health problems to a degree and now also physical health problems too, so I imagine I find parenting more difficult than many in general.

Having said that, I don't think I'd be willing to take more than one day of annual leave tops for this. It's not my holiday and we use so much of our leave minding sick kids I wouldn't be happy to give up more. I'd give up more for a wedding of someone very close or important to DH but not for a stag. That's what would be the issue for me.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time. Yes OP Mumsnet is often a race to the bottom. And if you’re not a single parent with 5 kids working 3 jobs then don’t bother postIng!

I do think it’s important both parents get time away with friends and breaks but these long, unnecessary stag dos really annoy me. I don’t even think the men enjoy them. Staggering around drunk for 4 days then a week to recover..

So OP, would nursery be an option? Or a one off childnminder/ baby sitter for the day so you can work? Get him to sort.. then I’d assume some of it must be over the weekend? So hopefully only a few days to cover.

Make sure you get your girls trip booked in too!

My DH is on paternity leave and I struggle to look after DD alone (11 months too!) Because even when I was on mat leave we split everything.

Can you go and stay with family? My mum lives three hours away but I go stay with her when DH is away and she loves seeing DD and helping out.

But he needs a break - it's very, very important when you are on mat/pat leave that you still go away, have breaks and see your friends for your own sanity.

It's very important you let your DH go on this stag do. As the main caregiver, he needs it!

My DH used to often look after the baby when I was on mat leave so I could occasionally go out and see my friends and feel like "me" again. Now I'm back at work I really don't need that in the same way - but it's very important for the main caregiver, as you can lose your sense of self if not.

I agree with this. What’s the plan when he goes back to work? Maybe time to do some nursery settling in days if that’s the plan. Yep he can organise it.

I don't think people are being vile so much as perplexed. Sounds like you have about as privileged and ideal a set up as possible when having a baby- including your mother's willingness to support you normally when your husband is away - and yet this very normal 'event' of your husband going away has assumed outsized proportion. The fact that you would, if only half jokingly refer to this as not being a LTB situation, indicates to me that you are almost certainly lacking in perspective - most people here are just trying to give you that. And it's not a race to the bottom but when we've got a pretty sweet set up comparatively speaking then it'll get proples backs up a small bit when someone makes a big deal out of a perfectly normal scenario.

My boyfriend did this at similar age. I was fine. Makes you grow in confidence as a mum.

I agree that especially if he is usually sole carer of your baby, this is important. He needs to keep those connections. And your baby is almost a year old, you should be able to cope. What I do think though is that he needs to responsive to the impact on your annual leave.a

Why are you suggesting having a medical condition could make parenting more difficult for someone? I'm sure there are millions of people out there with "medical conditions" that parent better then those who don't. You are insulting and ignorant.

OP - you will be just fine. Like a previous poster has said, it will help your confidence grow. Dog sitter idea isn't bad.

https://www.gov.uk/shared-parental-leave-and-pay

Shared parental leave

Seeing as you only seem to want advice that you like, to answer your initial question, yes, you would be very unreasonable to ask him not to go on the stag. What would happen if he got sick? Use the time to have a bit more faith in yourself because you seem to depend on him being there for everything to function. You might surprise yourself and really enjoy the time to yourself.

Not to mention some companies are putting very attractive parental leave packages in place - I think it's Aviva that gives the dad/non birthing mother 6 months paid.

This.

Why did you choose to get a puppy soon after you had a baby?

I went on a hen weekend when my baby was 9 months old. My DH coped just fine. In fact crowed about how easy it was! (Let’s ignore the fact that the house looked as though squatters had moved in, laundry was overflowing and I’m not positive my baby ate anything other than weetabix, bananas and avocados for 3 days straight)

I’m not sure why we are suggesting the OP isn’t a confident mother. She is working and more frustrated at having to take annual leave again (as she does most months) to cover this.

You don’t know how much maternity leave she took. I’m sure she’s perfectly capable of looking after her child. She is worried and stressed about the impact on her work.

So thinking of ways to mitigate that are helpful. Let’s be honest. All
parents should get a break but a 4 day stag do is a bit ridiculous.

The dog is 2. So dog then baby.

i think to ask him not to go would start some sort of resentment. We all need time away to be ourselves x

It’s a long time to be away with a young baby and no support network.
I think a lot of posters aren’t sympathetic of how difficult it can be when your mental health isn’t great postpartum and how isolated you feel when you have no one around. Is there a way he can shorten the trip? I’ve been on hen dos where people have arrived and left at different times for various reasons.
He needs his time away too, definitely, but if you really aren’t coping it’s not as simple as the “suck it up, I managed” that some previous posters have said. That attitude can have tragic consequences.
OP you need to speak to your DP. Only you guys can figure out something that works for both of you. Like maybe he should have the baby on his own for four days when he gets back so you can go away somewhere and visit friends or family. Or shorten the trip a day or two if he can.

YABU your baby is nearly a year, it's a short amount of time. He needs a break too. Just take some leave from work so you aren't trying to do both though.

YABU

Oh dear OP, you’re coming across as a bit pathetic. How do you think single parents cope?
Book yourself a weekend away for next month with a friend.

So you have ONE child who is 11 months old (not days or weeks?) of course yabu. If you can’t cope for a few days on your own at this stage you need to address why!

This.

Although I agree that the real issue is OP having to use up her own personal days from work to he can go on his jolly. Personal days when you have small children are so crucial for child illness, school holidays, medical appointments, family breaks, etc. How does OP's husband propose making up for OP's loss here? Will he take the hit (unpaid days of leave) to cover 'emergencies' should they both run out of leave this year?

very gently you need to mum
up here. It’s a few days your baby is 11 months not a new born. Many many mums are working full time with babes 24-7.