Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 29/10/2023 09:14

Honestly. I think the fact that you are still
Anxious about being on your own with your own baby at 11 months is really odd. It's absolutely time to top off the bandaid. 3 nights is not an very long length of time and it would be really really unfair to ask your partner not to go.

Bunnycat101 · 29/10/2023 09:15

I think the OP is having a hard time. I’d be a bit grumpy at having to use leave to cover a stag do tbh. It would have been easier if the baby was already in nursery. I think a puppy would have also tipped me over the edge when I had little ones so it is perfectly ok to feel a bit daunted. She’ll manage obviously but I think people have been pretty nasty. My second was definitely harder at 11 months than she was as a 3month old.

Onabench · 29/10/2023 09:18

He should definitely go. Life goes on. You will be fine. I can’t lie, I wasn’t excited when my OH went away for 3 nights when I had 5 month old DD as he is a great support but I merrily sent him off and me and DC actually had a really pleasant time. No one else to consider, did as we liked, napped plenty and it really improved my confidence as a parent. You are doing neither of you any favours but asking him to cancel.

FrangipaniBlue · 29/10/2023 09:18

Plus when have you ever heard of a mum asking to go on a 4 day hen whilst one her mat leave ? 😂

I did..... DH took time off work and parented his 4 month old, shock horror, all on his own!!!

Imagwine · 29/10/2023 09:20

Let him go, but you also get to have a nice break another time, if you want to.

We all need breaks from the hum drum of life.

ColleenDonaghy · 29/10/2023 09:21

YABU. Frankly, I'm VU whenever DH goes away too, we usually work very much as a team and I find it tough when he goes away for work, especially since we had our second.

But, one stag do is fair enough, it doesn't sound like he has form for slacking off at all. A break is important, you should both take the opportunity whenever it arises. The working parent thing will only get tougher once his leave is over.

It'll be a very long few days in all likelihood but you'll do it and get to the end and be glad you did.

Iactuallydidit · 29/10/2023 09:22

I would let him go. @FrangipaniBlue i did as well, went on a 3 day biking holiday on 1st Mat leave and a 3 day hen do on second mat leave, DH had to look after a 7 month and a 4 year old! DH also has been away by himself for a couple of days with work quite often. Think it’s healthy for the relationship to have time away and gives the other parent a chance to have time on their own looking after the kids.

Littlelucas · 29/10/2023 09:23

Make sure you go off and have a nice spa weekend with your mates OP.

I think it’s ok to have weekends away so long as it’s not one way traffic, as is so often the case.

Willyoujustbequiet · 29/10/2023 09:24

It's concerning that you feel you can't manage to look after your own child for a few days.

How on earth do you think single parents cope?

AgaMM · 29/10/2023 09:25

There must be more to this and why you feel you can’t look after an 11 month old for a few days on your own?

Otherwise, yes, YABU.

BitofaStramash · 29/10/2023 09:26

Bloody hell empathy seems to be scarce this morning.

OP

Get some batch cooking in before he goes
Consider putting puppy into kennels or book a walker
Book your annual leave - you can't work with baby and puppy

It won't be as hard as you think.

1990thatsme · 29/10/2023 09:26

Can you explain what the problem is @Biancagreenly ?

Is there something specific you are worried about coping with?

My DH works abroad fairly often, sometimes for weeks at a time. I have three under six and two dogs. I find it useful to have different routines and things we do for “when daddy is away” that make life easier for me. Less housework, easier meals, that kind of thing.

What stood out for me is your apparent lack of confidence in your ability to cope. Is there a back story to this?

When does DH go back to work and what happens then?

HMW1906 · 29/10/2023 09:27

When would be a good time for him to go??? Let him have some time out with his friends. Put the do in kennels or arrange a dog Walker for the time he’s gone if you need to.

Imagwine · 29/10/2023 09:28

Plus when have you ever heard of a mum asking to go on a 4 day hen whilst one her mat leave ? 😂

I did and probably most of the posters on here judging by the replies.

CornishGem1975 · 29/10/2023 09:32

AgaMM · 29/10/2023 09:25

There must be more to this and why you feel you can’t look after an 11 month old for a few days on your own?

Otherwise, yes, YABU.

Agree with this.

Iheartmysmart · 29/10/2023 09:32

Crikey! My dad was in the RAF and he was posted overseas, leaving with more or less immediate effect when we were little. My mum had to pack up a house, rehome our lovely dog (to family) and travel abroad with us kids. We were 4, 5 and six weeks old at the time. I think you can probably manage 3 nights on your own.

Original poster
Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 09:33

I've been reading all the posts and won't be able to reply to every and each of them but I will try to make few points:

  • I shouldn't have called our dog a puppy, I still think of him as a puppy but he is nearly 2. Before DS arrived he was a very relaxed dog but when DS arrived he reverted back to being extremely needy and puppy-like. So yes, I am extremely sorry I couldn't predict how my dog's behaviour would change... silly me.
  • Main issue, as some have rightly said so, is that I need to drop everything at work to look after DS and have done in the past and will do in few weeks time again and it is stressing me a little bit as work is stressful and I need to use annual leave. We will be looking into alternative childcare options and meeting with friends to make it easier.
  • As some of you lovely posters have said: yes of course I will cope and yes I will be fine but I am still dreading it. We do make a great team and since day one we've both been hands on deck. When one does bath-time the other one is cleaning the kitchen, one is cooking whilst the other one is changing the nappy, one is preparing the bottle the other one is playing with DS, one is doing laundry and the other emptying the dishwasher. So no, as some of you suggest, I am not just watching Netflix on the background. We both are great parents doing the best we can.
  • Finally, a lot of you seem to have the mentality that if you had it bad everyone else should too. If you have it worse than others then they can't complain about it. I disagree with you and I am sorry you'd have such bad experiences and been left to your own to make you think that way. Every person is different and we all cope in different ways.

Thank you for the good and kind advice and I will kindly ignore the vile ones.

OP posts:
Fatcat00 · 29/10/2023 09:35

Yabmu. Muddle on. And have your own break when he gets back

Cherrysoup · 29/10/2023 09:38

Watchkeys · 29/10/2023 02:24

Life goals.

Show quote history

🤣

Universalsnail · 29/10/2023 09:38

Yes I think it would be unreasonable to expect him to cancel his stag do trip. Is it really that you can't cope or is it that deep down you are envious of his break a way and therefore don't want him to go? I understand the latter so no judgement but maybe you could arrange to have some time away?

But I would ask for his help before hand. So he could cook some food to put in the freezer for you or leave money for a take out. If the dog thing is going to be too much you could get a dog walker for a few days. :)

CherryCokeFanatic · 29/10/2023 09:39

He needs to go now whilst he can or he may not get the opportunity again! Like the mother who wants to go travelling the world for 9 weeks and leaving her DH with her 2 kids

ElaineMBenes · 29/10/2023 09:40

We do make a great team and since day one we've both been hands on deck.

Me and my DH are a great team but part of being a team is picking up extra work when required. Both of us travel for work and pleasure and we just have to deal with it.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 29/10/2023 09:41

Could you arrange for the dog to go to a dog sitter for the days he is away, or at least have a long walk with a dog walker?
Having as much pre planning done before he goes - fridge stocked, some meals in the freezer ready to go, speak to your boss about reduced hours on the days he is away. Putting these things in place now well before he goes will help alleviate the anxiety

Autumnleaves89 · 29/10/2023 09:43

YABVU. You really should be able to cope for three days with an 11 month old. Is it worrying you more that it’s a stag? I think it’s quite unfair to put this on your husband. I’d say the same if the roles were reversed and you were going on a hen.

CompanyPlease · 29/10/2023 09:44

Cantdoitallperfectly · 29/10/2023 09:41

Could you arrange for the dog to go to a dog sitter for the days he is away, or at least have a long walk with a dog walker?
Having as much pre planning done before he goes - fridge stocked, some meals in the freezer ready to go, speak to your boss about reduced hours on the days he is away. Putting these things in place now well before he goes will help alleviate the anxiety

I agree with this, we have teenagers now but 2 dogs who are very needy (we found looking after baby DC much easier TBH). We always ensure if the other person is going away we book a dog walker every day to make things easier. Means the dogs are worn out and gives the person at home a bit more time spare.