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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
ElaineMBenes · 29/10/2023 10:46

Although I agree that the real issue is OP having to use up her own personal days from work to he can go on his jolly. Personal days when you have small children are so crucial for child illness, school holidays, medical appointments, family breaks, etc. How does OP's husband propose making up for OP's loss here? Will he take the hit (unpaid days of leave) to cover 'emergencies' should they both run out of leave this year?

Well, as he's taken 6 month's paternity leave that suggests he'd will do his fair share of emergency leave.

Both me and DH travel for work and they usually requires the parent at home to take some leave or rearrange their work schedule.

AInightingale · 29/10/2023 10:50

Will you have to go straight back to work as soon as he returns? That's a bit unfair if you've been holding the fort alone for four days while he lounged about drinking and partying somewhere. It's not unreasonable to look after your baby alone for a few days - look at women whose husbands are servicemen etc - but you're owed a break and some decent time to yourself when he returns, for sure.

JumalanTerve · 29/10/2023 10:55

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 29/10/2023 10:40

This.

Although I agree that the real issue is OP having to use up her own personal days from work to he can go on his jolly. Personal days when you have small children are so crucial for child illness, school holidays, medical appointments, family breaks, etc. How does OP's husband propose making up for OP's loss here? Will he take the hit (unpaid days of leave) to cover 'emergencies' should they both run out of leave this year?

Show quote history

Did you miss the part where the DH took half a year's paternity leave

margotrose · 29/10/2023 10:57

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 29/10/2023 10:40

This.

Although I agree that the real issue is OP having to use up her own personal days from work to he can go on his jolly. Personal days when you have small children are so crucial for child illness, school holidays, medical appointments, family breaks, etc. How does OP's husband propose making up for OP's loss here? Will he take the hit (unpaid days of leave) to cover 'emergencies' should they both run out of leave this year?

Show quote history

I don't think using the odd bit of annual leave to accommodate the other parent is particularly unusual. I mean, DH and I don't even have children (just a mini zoo of pets) but we've both had to take time off work in the past to accommodate the other and to make sure the dog is taken care of.

OP's husband has also* *just taken six months of paternity leave so it sounds like he's a hands-on dad who will be more than happy to take his fair share of emergency or unpaid leave going forward.

I do understand it's annoying to have to use your annual leave to accommodate someone else going on a "jolly" but in fairness, OP only has one baby and a dog to look after - she could easily pay for a walker or for daycare for the dog if she's really concerned.

adriftabroad · 29/10/2023 11:01

You need more staff:

Dog Walker
Nanny
Housekeeper
Cleaner

Do consider gardener and driver as you will find yourself under so much added stress over these 4 days.

Outsource. When DC starts nursery and then primary you will have an enormous problem with normal childhood sick days if you do not plan ahead.

gotomomo · 29/10/2023 11:07

11 months??? Exh left me with a newborn and a toddler (newly diagnosed with autism) when dd2 was 12 days old in a country where I had no family, I coped for the 5 days. Others are single parents. I've never heard of paternity leave of more than 2 weeks!

Zanatdy · 29/10/2023 11:09

You need to prepare for an easier time when he’s away. Get some ready meals or Uber eats, meet friends. You’ll be absolutely fine. My ex went for a week when DD was 11 months, 4yr old and teen too. It was fine.

gotomomo · 29/10/2023 11:11

You'll be fine, it really is ok to drop standards a bit too. Can you get a local teen to wear the dog out a bit maybe?

And book yourself a break soon

ElaineMBenes · 29/10/2023 11:16

AInightingale · 29/10/2023 10:50

Will you have to go straight back to work as soon as he returns? That's a bit unfair if you've been holding the fort alone for four days while he lounged about drinking and partying somewhere. It's not unreasonable to look after your baby alone for a few days - look at women whose husbands are servicemen etc - but you're owed a break and some decent time to yourself when he returns, for sure.

Why is it unfair?
Unless you really resent your partner having fun. It's just life isn't it?

BritAirwaysgirl · 29/10/2023 11:24

chappoi · 29/10/2023 04:17

I think he needs to go. Your baby is nearly 1 you don't need him or back up to be able to look after your child for a couple of days. I think you will realise your quite capable and will do you a lot of good.

This.

Single parents have to cope on their own.

GrumpyPanda · 29/10/2023 11:28

Rosiiee · 29/10/2023 06:51

@GCAcademic hes currently not going on any business trips because he’s been on paternity leave and she was on mat leave before that.

Edited

I read it to say he's on paternity leave except for having agreed to do the trips regardless.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/10/2023 11:30

Honestly, I think taking annual leave on is your best option whilst he's at the stag.

But, I also think it's time to start planning for the end of his Paternity Leave. I'd start looking into getting a cleaner, and maybe a dog walker. A neighbour uses a dog walking service, the van comes to pick her dog up and he is always so excited - he returns worn out and contented.

sarahann1211112 · 29/10/2023 11:33

I'm a single mum with 2 kids with additional needs. You will cope. You might surprise yourself and feel really proud and accomplished after.
I don't work so I can see how that bit would be a big stress, but lots of single mums do work too.
If you have no one else that can help with childcare it might be worth having a think about that in general terms for the future in case of emergency.
I think you will be fine and actually once you realise you can do it, you'll feel a lot more confident : ) .
Also once he's back it's your turn for a treat.

WimbyAce · 29/10/2023 11:35

Why do you think you won't manage when you say baby is quite easy most of the time? Or do you just not want him to go? Mine took my eldest off camping when baby was a few months old and we had a lovely time at home just the 2 of us.

hohumbumbum · 29/10/2023 11:37

The fact that you would, if only half jokingly refer to this as not being a LTB situation, indicates to me that you are almost certainly lacking in perspective

Yup.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 29/10/2023 11:44

When I was on mat leave and my DC was about the same age as yours my DH had to go away for work for a week (5 nights, left Sunday home Friday). He's incredibly hands on, so it did feel a bit daunting. But, I coped, it's what parents do. And what we have to do.

I'd take some AL tbh, and just suck it up that it's costing me a few days of that to let him go be an adult human for a bit. Think back to the first 5 months where I presume you were the one on leave? Given what you've said about him and the fact he's actually staying home on pat leave, I bet he'd have done this for you in a heartbeat and just managed.

You got this. And you should have this. For him, and you, and your baby.

Ophy83 · 29/10/2023 11:51

Maybe look to see if there's a babysitter who could look after the baby at yours while you're working - so you can be there if absolutely needed/know they are safe but baby is being entertained and you are able to get on with work rather than take leave. Childcare.com may have some local options if you don't have a regular babysitter who would be available

Mari9999 · 29/10/2023 11:52

@Biancagreenly
A capable adult parent should be able to.manage their child or children alone for a few days. If you need assistance hire a sitter to come into your home for a few hours. Single, divorced, or widowed parents work and manage children and life on an ongoing basis.

Not only should he be able to go to this event, but on occasion you should be able to go away and leave your child in your husband's equally capable hands.

Cinateel · 29/10/2023 12:04

I want to be harsh and say it's one baby and a puppy. But I know we're all different, so I'll be gentle. I suggest that you think about whether it's easier if you're out walking in the park or wandering round the shops than it is being at home. Babies can sleep in the car or in the buggy, you don't have to stay home when you could be out of the house, and time will pass more quickly if you're occupied. The puppy will not be harmed if he spends more time than usual in a crate for a few days.
You can feed a baby anywhere, if bottle fed, make the bottle up to halfway (eg 8 scoops powder, 4oz water) take a flask of boiling water and top up bottle to 8 oz, so the baby can have a warm feed straight away. You could even make yourself a coffee at the same time.
If you use disposables you don't need to change just wet nappies straight away. Soiled, obviously that's different. Take the stress out of the situation as much as you can.
Your four days with your baby is my idea of bliss, eat what you like, sleep when you like, watch tv of your choice, and spend time with your favourite little person. Have a lovely time.

MrsMara · 29/10/2023 12:09

Thank you for the good and kind advice and I will kindly ignore the vile ones

There are no vile comments OP, just ones that don't suit your narrative.

Based on what you have said your DH sounds like one of the good ones. Why begrudge him the trip away?

An 11 month old baby and a 2 year old dog is manageable. See it character building because yours sounds a little highly strung and precious.

Scalessayeek · 29/10/2023 12:14

My husband has gone skiing yearly with work for the last 6/7 years, when I had a six week old and later when I had a four year old and 3 month old to look after. (Whilst either on maternity leave or working part time).

He works hard to support our family and we both have time away to relax (I’ve had two trips in 6 years). I would never begrudge him this time.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 29/10/2023 12:19

adriftabroad · 29/10/2023 11:01

You need more staff:

Dog Walker
Nanny
Housekeeper
Cleaner

Do consider gardener and driver as you will find yourself under so much added stress over these 4 days.

Outsource. When DC starts nursery and then primary you will have an enormous problem with normal childhood sick days if you do not plan ahead.

Do you have that many staff?! I'm not sure that's possible for 99% of working parents...

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 29/10/2023 12:20

Put the dog in kennels so that's one less thing to worry about (or just permanently rehouse it if it's making life too difficult - harsh but if you're not coping something has to give). Then just lower your standards for the few days you're home alone.

OopsaDazy · 29/10/2023 12:21

Posters are not being vile, just puzzled.

Your sarcastic replies aren't doing you any favours, either.

Your baby is almost one so presumably night feeds are over and you're getting a decent night's sleep most days.

You are incredibly lucky to have a partner who is available as much as you'd like.

Other mums have partners who are out at work 12 hours a day or whose family are on the other side of the world, or the UK.

Your emphasis on having to take holiday and rearrange your working week come across as you having had it all pretty easy up till now.

I don't think you have any experience of how other parents have to manage and just get on with it, uncomplainingly.

Three days on your own with year old baby and you're making a fuss?

And sorry if this comes over as 'vile'.

OopsaDazy · 29/10/2023 12:25

Finally, a lot of you seem to have the mentality that if you had it bad everyone else should too. If you have it worse than others then they can't complain about it. I disagree with you and I am sorry you'd have such bad experiences and been left to your own to make you think that way. Every person is different and we all cope in different ways.

You are missing the point.

It isn't a bad experience to look after a child almost a year old for 4 days.

Honestly, you do sound like a snowflake.

How will you cope with life when it really throws something at you?

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