DH going away for few days

[Biancagreenly]

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

Outrageously unreasonable. It’s VERY unusual your DH is still on paternity leave and home with you and honestly I think it’s creates learned helplessness. I find it crazy you needed your Mum to come and stay for 2 days! You should be able to cope with your baby on your own OP and you may need to have a deeper look at what is going on if you’re not managing alone. (That goes for both parents I’m not being sexist). My husband is frequently gone for weeks at a time and I have 2 children under the age of 4 and a nightmare dog and we cope as we have to! I think he needs to go and you need to realise you CAN do this. Being this dependent on your husband is really really a big flag that something is going on with you.

I think some of the responses here are interesting. Certainly it seems the majority of people do feel you are being unreasonable, your husband has been the primary caregiver for 11 months and should be allowed to go and have some fun.

I also can’t help but think that if this were the other way around, female caregiver at home wanting some time for herself before going back to work etc that the posts would be in an uproar at the mere suggestion that a mother should be told to stay at home and give up a few days away with friends. If this post had been written from the perspective of husband won’t take time off to support wife having a few days away before returning to work, the pitchforks would probably be out. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad they’re not as that kind of negativity is never productive but what you are suggesting could very much be seen as not particularly supportive.

In the past my partner has supported me and taken time off to look after our three children and I have done the same, it is what you do for each other.

But the truth of it is we do not know you op or your whole situation. You need to be talking to your husband about your worries, anxieties and fears.

I would look at why you feel you wouldn’t be able to cope with an 11 month old, as surely routines are well in place now, your husband could presumably be contactable if you really desperately needed any advice or moral support while he was away.

I think you need to let him have some time for himself op but you also need to be open and honest with him about how you feel.

For goodness sake is there a medical reason you can't cope If so fair enough if not grow up and be a parent

I'd let him go but ask for something reciprocal because hey we all need a break with young kids.

I find it hard to believe you have no friends!
I moved hundreds of miles away from my family but I made friends and we helped each other out when we could!
Why can't your mother come and help you this time, and what about his parents, or if you both/either have siblings?
When he's at home do you never use a babysitter if you fancy a night out?

I'm so confused..you're worried about looking after a 1yr old by yourself for a few days?? Why?
You know single parents manage this all the time

Erm, I thought you said you share responsibilities? DH does one thing, while you do the other, as in SHARING household and DC chores!
So how come it's suddenly YOU doing ALL the chores???

I find this odd OP tbh. Why would you need help with an 11 month old that you say is a pretty good baby, and a puppy?

When I had a 19 month old, a new baby, a puppy and a FIFO husband, I didn’t ask for help. I just got on with it.

DH was away for 4 weeks at a time.

Finally, a lot of you seem to have the mentality that if you had it bad everyone else should too. If you have it worse than others then they can't complain about it

There is indeed a lot of that mentality on mumsnet, but really, if having sole responsability for one small child were that bad, nobody would be having children. I was a single to one child and generally enjoyed it. People who manage to juggle two or even three small children, now they have my respect.

DH went away for a week when my DS was 13 months. Ended up calling an ambulance 5am on second morning as he couldn't breath. DH was in US couldn't get back because of some strike. DS ended up in intensive care.

OP if you don't feel comfortable being left discuss it with DH I don't think you are being unreasonable. All of us have unique circumstances that only you can understand so don't feel bad or let others guilt you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi @Biancagreenly don't worry about the replies, half the people misread and thinks you can't cope with your own baby on your own, I don't think they realise you are at work as you presumably had the first 6 months as maternity leave and now it's your husband for the second 6 months.

Why do you take the dog to work by the way, did your husband also took it away the first 6 month? Dog might settle better if spends time with baby.

Otherwise for the actual question, if it's 2 work days plus 2 weekend days, other posters suggestion of having your husband sort childcare for the work days sounds good.

Hope it works out 🙂 And you have a lovely weekend yourself with your baby.

A lot of posters seem to think you are both on leave and you can't cope alone. It must be quick reading as lots of mums are on leave when baby is 11 month, so that would be a completely different question.

I would concentrate on replies discussing the need to take time off work etc, those we the posters who actually read your post. Or post again making the question super clear starting with telling everyone you are back at work.

OP, you will be fine.

The reality is that you will miss your DH for that time and then a few weeks later. It’s rubbish when you have to take annual leave for someone else to go off and have fun, but that’s what we do for those that we love and care about. Use this as an opportunity to be the one on the receiving end of all the little giggles, slobbery kisses and cuddles. The house will survive not being cleaned for a few days, take the load off there.

DH needs to go on this trip. You are also entitled to time for yourself and should get some in the diary when he gets back.

If baby was 11 days/weeks I’d maybe ask him to reconsider (although an 11 day/week old doesn’t move too much so get in someways an 11 month old is actually harder to parent 🤣), but you’ve got this!

Plan ahead. Get yourself ready for the time he's away. Make sure the laundry basket is empty and all processed.
Ask DH to make additional portions of food so you won't need to think about every meal.
Make life easier for yourself.
It won't be as hard as you think, plan to enjoy the time he's away rather than loathe it.

Op, can you turn the days into some kind of mini home based holiday for you and your baby.?

This is a really helpful, positive reply OP with practical steps.

I'm shocked at the harshness of some other posts. We're all different, if OP feels apprehensive then she does. What's the point in saying she shouldn't? Or on her circumstances you wouldn't?!

My own view on your specific is that it's problematic if you previously agreed and now want to retract that. But you should definitely share how you're feeling with him and get him to take prep steps with you to try to make it easier, as this quoted post suggests.

Because he's doing the childcare. So she's doing housework. Like we are always telling SAHMs they should be getting their working husbands to....

I second the dog bit here (although this post in general is fairly sensible).

Our dog was older when DC came along but she did have some settling in issues and became hard work, which she's never been. They can feel pushed out so the act out. Walks all together can be really good for the bonding. My pair are best buds now and the dog is back to being mostly no bother (I won't go into 1am in the garden this morning....one off!)

Otherwise, as much as it sucks to take AL for him to go off for fun, when you're not getting that, I'd still send mine off happily because whether it's at home or at work, he works hard and deserves some time. He'd do it for me too. Unless he didn't want to go. Then I'd play the evil wife not letting him, so he had an easy excuse.

Honestly, don’t stop him from going.

My husband was away for 7/8 months when my daughter was 6 weeks old. He’s in the Navy, my eldest was 7 at the time. You’ll be fine for a few days.

Not sure why you asked if you were going to be do defensive against the answers.
Of course YABU. You say you've not taken a single day off for something fun for yourself... so do that, rather than tell him he can't.
Yes, it's not great timing if you've no childcare in place yet, but its also what every parter of a sahp should be doing sometimes to allow them a break.

Let him go, and if you haven't had any days for yourself as you say, make arrangements for those now so you have something to look forward to. Put your dog in a kennel/doggy day care. If you don't have this, now would probably be a good time to investigate and sort it as it's surely going to be useful in the future too?

If you have the money for him to go on a four day stag (wtf happened to a drink in the local with your mates?) then you have the money to hire a Mother's Help for a few days to help with the baby and puppy. No argument.

Seriously - one child you can’t cope! You need to man up and stop thinking what you can’t do!

ive raised 4 lovely sons single handling, I’ve had no choice but to do it without any support. My hubby worked away a lot. What you need to do is to stick with your routine and stay at it.

the years I’ve spent parenting on my own were the best years. Please cherish the time with your child, the years will roll on far too quickly and you’d regret with these things you can’t do. I’ve 23 , 19 x 2 and 17 and they are good sons.

I don’t get it - why can’t you look after your own child for a few days? I probably have an unreasonable reality filter though; I raised my two DSs from when they were 5 weeks and 13 months alone.

Would your dh ask you to not go on a hen weekend?

im sorry but, we as parents often deal with being on our own whether that’s for work, or time away, you’re being really unreasonable imo.