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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
Aphroditee · 30/10/2023 21:55

Koalalady · 30/10/2023 21:20

I can’t get over some of these comments 🤣 this is how you lose friends, have no life and never get to do anything! Because you are saying no to everything because of what? Just making up excuses to not want him to go. It’s a one off… do married people never go on stag/hen do’s then? Because I need to know… I’m booked to go away next year and need to arrange 2 days of school transport and childcare with hubby… better cancel it then. Too much hassle

Same! It’s not surprising that there are so many threads from women who have no friends, no finances, no identity, can’t bare to leave their kids for more than 24 hours - especially when their DH leaves them and they genuinely don’t know how to cope in the world.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/10/2023 21:58

Aphroditee · 30/10/2023 21:55

Same! It’s not surprising that there are so many threads from women who have no friends, no finances, no identity, can’t bare to leave their kids for more than 24 hours - especially when their DH leaves them and they genuinely don’t know how to cope in the world.

Show quote history

THIS!!!

don’t see how anyone could argue with this !

Mari9999 · 30/10/2023 21:58

@Biancagreenly
Why haven't you taken a single day for yourself in 11 months? Don't you have the normal desire for some occasional " me time?"

Play the role of the self sacrificing martyr is not a good look. Perhaps, you would be less resentful of your husband taking some occasional time off if you did the same from time to time. There are no gold stars or brownie points for martyrs. Learn to manage your life with balance and perhaps you will.be less stressed.

"

Fififafa · 30/10/2023 21:59

It’s one child and you’ll be on annual leave for a few days, you’ll survive. Just make sure that he returns the favour and you get some me time.

Fififafa · 30/10/2023 22:02

Yep. I’m guessing OP is a bit of a drama llama.

Amumof287 · 30/10/2023 22:06

Most of your post is based around feeling anxious looking after your baby and the dog on your own. The needing to take leave seems like a secondary issue.

I cant understand you not feeling able to cope with one baby, your baby, on your own. You’re obviously working a lot. I would be absolutely looking forward to taking a few days off work and having baby all to myself to spend uninterrupted time together. Especially if dad is usually doing most of the care.

The taking leave sounds like it would be beneficial for both of you. Being alone with your baby at 11 months shouldn’t be an issue

MrsMarzetti · 30/10/2023 22:08

You have one child to look after for 4 nights, why on earth is that an issue ? More the fool you for getting a puppy when you aren't sure you can manage a baby on your own for a short time.

HungryandIknowit · 30/10/2023 22:12

Using your annual leave is annoying, definitely. But if your husband is currently the SAHP he probably needs a break from the baby. You may get the favour returned.

I can understand why you're dreading it if your husband is usually around, but I genuinely believe that looking after your kids by yourself is important. I think it makes you a better, more confident parent. You might even enjoy it. In your shoes I would get out and do what I wanted to do but just take the baby - long walk / shopping / meeting friends / museum / library / baby class. Best of luck!

riseshineglow · 30/10/2023 22:13

hey girl - you got this :) maybe this is your first time doing it 'alone' and you feel abandoned maybe but you will be fine :) but maybe you feel your husband owed it to you to not go but everyone needs a break

Mamanyt · 30/10/2023 22:29

When my DSs were very young, their father worked three weeks on, one week off as a boat captain in the oil fields of Louisiana. That left me at home with an 11-month-old and a 1-month-old. I survived it, but I did consider a "good day" to be when I could get BOTH legs shaved on the same day, without running out of hot water.

This is a one-off, for three nights. You're going to be fine. A bit frazzled, you aren't used to it, but you're going to be fine. Tell him to go and have a lovely time, but you want a weekend off, yourself, in the future!

ShinyPebble32 · 30/10/2023 22:29

I can totally see why you aren’t looking forward to it, I’ve always found it hell solo parenting for more than a day. But you really can’t ask him not to go, that would be very unreasonable.

You’ll manage, then you’ll have a big one in the bank and you can go for a trip to Ibiza with the girls next summer, a few nights out - whatever you fancy! Because you both need time away from being a parent every so often.

Also YABU for getting a puppy when you have a new baby, that must be exhausting - I will never understand why people inconvenience themselves with dogs!

Hoppysue · 30/10/2023 22:29

Unreasonable….. I was a single parent, worked full time and was on my own EVERY NIGHT!!!!!

PloddingAlong21 · 30/10/2023 22:38

OP your child is 11 months old, are you struggling in other ways if you’re finding this overwhelming as most people wouldn’t struggle with this? If you are it may be worth speaking to someone for support.

As for comments about working,
presumably he didn’t organise this last week so you could have jointly sorted this/your time.

If it were me I would be absolutely peeved to be asked to cancel because my DH couldn’t cope for 4 days and hadn’t considered some days off to allow me some downtime. Your time will come OP when you go away or do something. Just remember if you ask him to cancel you can’t moan if he does the same back. Let him go….it’s just 4 days.

Tourmalines · 30/10/2023 22:44

Biancagreenly · 30/10/2023 20:22

@Tourmalines self-centred? I’ve done my mat leave, I work full time, I do the vast majority of house chores, I look after our dog daily and take him into our office with me so he doesn’t cause my DH stress, I take my annual leave so DH can take his days off and I haven’t in the past 11 months take a single day for myself just to have fun…

I might be a lot of things but can hardly see how I’m self-centred.

As I said it’s give and take . You are just doing normal life things . Your husband does too . But to not want him to go for a few days is thinking about yourself surely? Thats self centred on my book .

whatkatydid2013 · 30/10/2023 22:45

I’m thinking back to when my youngest was 11 months and eldest was 3 and I went to Asia for 2 and a bit weeks for a work trip and my husband was fine and the dozens of times before and since one of us has gone away for a few nights and the other has been fine. We thought in advance it would be awful but it really wasn’t and you definitely also find it easier with practice. I think you are stressing more than you need to and you will actually be ok. Ideally sort out some childcare so you don’t have to take holiday if you don’t want to. If that’s not possible and you are going to have to take leave is there something nice you could do with your LO? At that sort of age for my youngest there were some local museums with toddler days that we loved doing together on mine or OH’s day off. Does LO still nap and can you use that time to have a relax and a bath or read a book so you get some downtime? Also prep in advance where you can and be a bit relaxed about jobs while he is away. Finally make sure you also get a break. It’s nice for both of you to get a bit of time with friends and without being responsible for the kids occasionally. Good luck OP x

Xmasbaby11 · 30/10/2023 22:47

Honestly I'm sure you will be fine. If you're not used to solo parenting it will be different because you are used to having another adult to tag team with. At that age, there should be naps so some time to switch off / catch up on housework. If it's difficult, lower your standards for a few days.

Plan your days so that you have a structure and things to look forward to.

I can't advise about the dog as I've never had one.

I think it's important DH goes and enjoys his stag do. You say he's a great dad, and he will enjoy parenting all the more from having a break every now and then. It sounds like he would be happy for you to go, if the tables were turned.

EatDiamondsForBreakfast · 30/10/2023 22:47

Google FIFO. I’ve been married to a man who does that for 20 years….at times 6 & 1. Yes that’s six weeks away one week at home.
yes we have kids & dogs. I never complain because my sister is a single parent!!!!! This thread is utterly ridiculous.

Zerosleep · 30/10/2023 22:59

To be honest I think you are being unreasonable and unfair. Everyone needs a break including DH. I don’t really understand why him being away is such an issue. You should be able to cope with one baby on your own. What’s the big deal.

Appreciate the work situ and I would probably book a few days off if I were you. I understand that you may be feeling stressed and I get it, but think the break would do your DH good.

Wheresthebeach · 30/10/2023 23:00

Most absurd things I’ve read in a long time.

WillowCraft · 30/10/2023 23:04

I think 3 nights with an 11 month old will be absolutely fine, maybe a bit boring if you can't manage any adult company, but there's no need to do any laundry or cleaning while he's away, just feed the two of you. You could put the dog in kennels if it's adding to the stress.

If you can't get the time off work that's a separate issue and would be a good reason to expect him not to go.

Do make sure you get some time to yourself as well - it sounds like it is resentment that is causing your reluctance.

wonkymonkey · 30/10/2023 23:30

If finances allow it I would think about getting a babysitter in while you work from home so you don’t need to take annual leave. You can always have them in for a couple of hours first on a trial
run so you feel confident leaving your DC with them.

ItJustFellOutLikeWordVomit · 30/10/2023 23:35

As petty as it sounds (which is also a real reflection on the relationship) if he would have a full on kids and dogs weekend for me so I could go away for a night or two with the girls I would do the same for him…though that is my relationship: make sure there’s no cross over and we both get a wee night away with pals once or twice a year, apologies if that’s not MN standard 😂 x

Finallyfree41 · 30/10/2023 23:37

Sounds like bliss OP. Baby in bed, no one to cook for, clean up after, dictate what you watch, enjoy every minute!

Wetblanket78 · 30/10/2023 23:49

You still need to have a social life after having a baby. What do you think single parents do? Time to put your big girls pants on and cope on your own.

Redebs · 30/10/2023 23:50

You'll be fine. You'll probably even enjoy it.

Just don't let dog have access to baby. Ever.