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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
Keeper11 · 30/10/2023 20:58

If you struggle to cope with your 11 month old baby, without help, it begs the question, why did you get a puppy? Did your DH insist on a puppy?
Either way, I am sure you can manage. There are many many mums who have to cope on their own, either because the dads work away a lot or they are single mums. Grow up a bit and these few days will give you confidence that you can cope with anything.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 30/10/2023 21:01

You will survive. My husband worked overseas in a terrible country for most of my pregnancy and then in an even worse country when first child was born and second child was born! I was often all alone for weeks - zero family support. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It’s one stag do!

Sennelier1 · 30/10/2023 21:01

YABvU I think. Your child is nearly one year old and you still need help to get through the day/night with him? I thought you were talking about a newborn! I can't believe you are incapable of being on your own with your baby for a few days, yes even without any help from friends or family. How do you think other families cope?

Koalalady · 30/10/2023 21:02

Sorry, you had your mum come and help for a 2 day business trip? How an earth do you survive? Most of us are often on our own with 2,3,4+ kids and a puppy. I can’t imagine needing help so much so you need your husband to cancel his trip. This is massively unreasonable :/ and I’m a tad confused. You are massively over thinking it. I am very jealous your husband has had 6 months of paternity leave! My husband had 2 weeks and that’s it.. on your own after that.

Islandermummy · 30/10/2023 21:04

Honestly if OP gets, say, 20 days annual leave a year, I can see why she'd be reluctant to use up two of them so that her DH can go away binge drinking with his mates... especially if she hasn't had her own treat/break.

So I wouldn't necessarily say no, but I'd probably be hoping it meant DH would be similarly kind and give me a spa day or something!

Mrscooper13 · 30/10/2023 21:08

Although using annual leave etc is really annoying, i personally think it’s so important to have your own time.

this means that you can have some of your own time back at some point if you wants girls weekend away

maybe let your husband know that your really worried and that not to expect the house to be ship shape when he gets back

AfraidToRun · 30/10/2023 21:09

As it's a one off I would say ok but if it was a regular thing I'd be put out.

PandaChopChop · 30/10/2023 21:10

OP YANBU to be anxious about it, but you will be absolutely ok. I think your latest post about not beimg able to take any time for yourself is the real issue here.

Hire a dog walker for a few days to take doggo out for an hour or so if that Will take one thing off the list. Plan and prep your meals beforehand, don't worry if the washing doesn't get done and DH can take the cleaning load when he gets back.

Book yourself a couple of days if you can next month, even if you just wonder to the local pub for a bit of lunch.

You've got this x

ToussaintTheChef · 30/10/2023 21:11

It’s a baby OP, not a bomb. You’ll be fine.

Mrsmaggie27 · 30/10/2023 21:11

As a single parent, looking after my ds completely on my own since he was 4 weeks old I’d say it’s astounding that you can’t cope for a few days on your own. This is probably what needs addressed

grumpycow1 · 30/10/2023 21:13

I think it’s important for you both to have time to yourselves. Just because you haven’t had time out to yourself, I don’t see why he shouldn’t. It’s important for you both. I am assuming it’s a good friend of his and he really wants to go? If it means using a day or so of leave, then let him know he may have to ‘buy’ you more leave days if you need them later on. Other than the wfh/ leave issue, I can’t see any other reason not to go. I left my DH with our 2 kids, one aged 1, for a few nights because I really needed the break. He coped. Maybe you can do the same soon.

Chickychoccyegg · 30/10/2023 21:13

Yanbu , you're needing to take holiday from your work, when it's busy and stressful, to allow dh who's on mat leave, to go on a 4 day stag? I'd be a bit pissed off at this too if I'm honest.

Ryeman · 30/10/2023 21:16

This would have caused me anxiety as well - when mine were tiny I wasn’t a confident mum. But you’ll be fine. It sounds like you have a great dh and you should probably let him go.

Koalalady · 30/10/2023 21:16

That’s ridiculous…why shouldn’t he get a break? Why should he only go if she has been first?? Never heard such rubbish… god I hope she doesn’t get invited and want to go on a hen do. He can’t help when his friends getting married

Quartz2208 · 30/10/2023 21:17

Why are you working and doing all the chores

Koalalady · 30/10/2023 21:20

I can’t get over some of these comments 🤣 this is how you lose friends, have no life and never get to do anything! Because you are saying no to everything because of what? Just making up excuses to not want him to go. It’s a one off… do married people never go on stag/hen do’s then? Because I need to know… I’m booked to go away next year and need to arrange 2 days of school transport and childcare with hubby… better cancel it then. Too much hassle

Lifeomars · 30/10/2023 21:21

you will cope, in fact you will be amazed at how well you will cope. You might feel a bit shaky for a while but you will be fine

Mariposista · 30/10/2023 21:24

You say you haven't had a day off in 11 months - WHY NOT??? That's for you to discuss with your husband and put your foot down a little bit, not ruining his fun just because you're not having any.
My DH and I regularly do things separately - we come to an agreement on who will be in charge of childcare on that night/weekend and sort it. No strops required.

hot2trotter · 30/10/2023 21:28

Oh for heaven's sake! I brought my newborn home from hospital as a single parent to her and her 2 year old brother. Just me and them, every minute of the day for years!! I'm sure you'll be fine.

shams05 · 30/10/2023 21:31

I'm sure you'll cope fine and I think it's perfectly normal to be anxious about him being away.
It seems like you're more annoyed about the annual leave though.
Would he consider being away for two days instead of three?

BrucieBru · 30/10/2023 21:34

Let him go. You will survive 💪🏼

LaurieStrode · 30/10/2023 21:35

Three weeks might be a bit much; three nights? I struggle to see how this is even noteworthy. He's going away for essentially a long weekend.

Can you get some sort of child sitter in to help you, if need be? Or a friend?

Or a dog walker?

Coldbrewnumber2 · 30/10/2023 21:36

YABU.
I’m sure you can manage without him for a few days. What do you think lone parents do? I had an 11 month old, a full time job and no help at all from a spouse, and yet I somehow managed.
The independence might do you some good.

carly2803 · 30/10/2023 21:48

have a word with yourself!

yes you are being VERY unreasonable - if you cannot cope for a few days mabey you should have a step back and think why?

Single mum here i cope well. so will you.

FlissyPaps · 30/10/2023 21:51

Let him go. It shouldn’t be up for debate.

You’ll survive. So many single parents have to look after their children (some from newborn) by themselves 24/7.