Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH going away for few days

477 replies

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

OP posts:
HeadAgainstWall0923 · 29/10/2023 12:38

This is really odd.

You actually think that looking after your own 11 month old child for 4 days is an issue?!

I think you actually do need to spend some time solo looking after your child if you don’t even have the confidence or skills to cope alone for 4 days.

Rosiiee · 29/10/2023 12:43

@OopsaDazy but also how will she cope if god forbid something happens to her DH or if they end up splitting later down the road? Just so bizarre that to be ‘hands on’ and a ‘team’ means you can’t possibly take a break away.

piscofrisco · 29/10/2023 12:51

I mean-it's your own child you are looking after. How do you think single parents or parents with spouses in the forces manage? You just get on with it?

If it's an issue around him getting a break and you not-then make sure you get your own break whenever is convenient.

One, as stated 'good and easy' baby doesn't actually need two adults to care for it for four days.

Cornflakes44 · 29/10/2023 13:23

Biancagreenly · 29/10/2023 02:02

A bit of AIBU and WWYD.

I’ll start by saying this is not a LTB situation. I have a very healthy and great relationship with my DH, he is an amazing dad and very involved and hands on.

Now the issue: we have an 11 month old son, DH is on paternity leave and has been for the past 6 months. DS is normally a lovely baby to look after, sleeps well at night, but like any other baby he can have bad days and it’s hard work.

DH is going away for 3 nights 4 days for a stag. I’m feeling very anxious about this as it would be just me and DS and an extremely needy puppy. We don’t have any family or friends to come help and provide a bit of help even for couple of hours.

Even though DH is on leave, every month he has to go away for two days as part of his contract (unusual situation I won’t get into). Last time he did this, my mum came to help, but this time this is not possible. He will be going away again in couple weeks time. Work is different from a stag do so I have more understanding him going to work rather than to have fun. My work allows me to be flexible and wfh but I would still need to stop working and re arrange any work commitments, use some of my holiday and / or make up for time another days.

Would it be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his stag do trip? Part of me doesn’t want to as I do want him to go have fun but the other part of me feels like this probably isn’t the best time for these type of trips. I will obviously talk to him about it but I just wanted to get a sense check. WWYD?

They baby is nearly a year old I think it'll be good for you to have to some one on one time with them. You don't sound that confident looking after your own child. Can you ditch the puppy for the weekend? Then it's just you and the baby. I think as a one off it's reasonable for him to get a break. As long as you would also be able to go away for a few days.

IhearyouClemFandango · 29/10/2023 13:36

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 29/10/2023 02:22

Sorry, but your baby is 11 months old, not 11 days old.

If you genuinely can't cope for a few days on your own, you need to start looking at why that is and seriously address it.

I wouldn't even consider asking him not to go or 'raise it' ... unless you can't afford it financially or you have a drip feed coming telling us he's out all the time leaving you to sort everything while you never get time to yourself.

This. Blimey.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 29/10/2023 13:44

It's only a few days. I'm sure he'd do it if it was the other way round. It'll fly past and the anticipation will probably be worse than than reality.

Like you say, he's a good dad and husband and there will be a time when you might want to do the same.

Maray1967 · 29/10/2023 13:49

Reads to me like it might not be the 11 month old that’s the problem - but the puppy.

That’s why I will never have a dog. Far too much effort .

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 29/10/2023 14:26

Maray1967 · 29/10/2023 13:49

Reads to me like it might not be the 11 month old that’s the problem - but the puppy.

That’s why I will never have a dog. Far too much effort .

I’m sure OP has later clarified that the “puppy” is actually 2 years old.

I’m not a dog owner though so I don’t know if a 2 year old dog is still classed as a “puppy” 🤷‍♀️

Orangello · 29/10/2023 14:47

If the other parent is involved and hands-on, then of course it's more work when they are not there. But you'll simply have to put baby to bed and then clean the kitchen, you'll survive those few days. He would be able to manage if you went away, no?

adriftabroad · 29/10/2023 15:13

@TheSpikySpinosaurus I certainly do not 😂😂
Just tying not to be "vile" and empathise with a poster that must live a life with expectations radically different to 96% of us...

adriftabroad · 29/10/2023 15:16

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 29/10/2023 14:26

I’m sure OP has later clarified that the “puppy” is actually 2 years old.

I’m not a dog owner though so I don’t know if a 2 year old dog is still classed as a “puppy” 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

I am not sure a 1 year old is a baby!

HercuIesMorse · 29/10/2023 15:22

The dog is 2. So dog then baby.

I could be wrong but presumably op was pregnant before giving birth?

Delatron · 29/10/2023 15:57

HercuIesMorse · 29/10/2023 15:22

The dog is 2. So dog then baby.

I could be wrong but presumably op was pregnant before giving birth?

Not sure what your point is? The dog is not a puppy it’s 2. It may be 2 and half - who knows. The baby is 11 months. Who knows the exact timings of when they got the dog versus when the OP got pregnant.

Doesn’t seem important. I was just pointing out that the OP had clarified it wasn’t a puppy and it was here before the baby. Probably in responses to those asking why in earth she got a puppy with a newborn.

Tourmalines · 29/10/2023 20:11

It should be give and take , not self-centred. And he’s not the self centred one.

Rebellion86 · 30/10/2023 18:56

My ex husband, though not for this reason lol, went away to Africa for 2 weeks to do a charity climb on kilimonjaro. I was home with a 3 year old and a 6 month old. Didn't have a lot of help, but we managed. 4 days will fly in

Onethingatatime23 · 30/10/2023 19:00

I left DH with DDs for a weekend when they were 8 months and 4 years old. He was fine!

BooBooDoodle · 30/10/2023 19:12

You should let him go. The thought of it probably fills you with dread and if it’s your first child, your bound to have some confidence hang ups about going it alone. We all have to do it at some point and dig deep, breaking the normal routines. Your DH deserves a break as I’m sure you will when it’s your turn. You’ve got this. Don’t overthink it, don’t set any unrealistic expectations and go with it.

Sleepytiredyawn · 30/10/2023 19:28

It’s easy to feel anxious about it all when you feel like it’s a struggle some days. Parenting is hard work but if you take a few days off work so you can focus on being home you’ll be absolutely fine. It’s just one of those things you have to do to realise you can do this.

Prepare yourself if you need to, have the house all cleaned and tidy before he goes, prep a few teas then you can focus on getting on with each day. You might find you’ll enjoy it too.

Peony26 · 30/10/2023 19:38

Are you joking? You can’t cope on your own with one child and a puppy for 4 days? That just seems insane to me! My husband worked away constantly, we have 3 children, 2 dogs and I work full time! I am not gloating, I’m just saying that it’s more than doable, and he probably needs to blow of some steam

StolenCookie · 30/10/2023 19:57

Time to put the big girl pants on OP - trust me, you will all survive. Let your DH go on his trip.

loserssaywhat · 30/10/2023 19:59

I’m trying very hard to be sympathetic but my husband was a truck driver who was gone all week Mon-Friday, I had 3 older children and a new born. You’ll be ok for a few days trust me.

Original poster
Biancagreenly · 30/10/2023 20:22

@Tourmalines self-centred? I’ve done my mat leave, I work full time, I do the vast majority of house chores, I look after our dog daily and take him into our office with me so he doesn’t cause my DH stress, I take my annual leave so DH can take his days off and I haven’t in the past 11 months take a single day for myself just to have fun…

I might be a lot of things but can hardly see how I’m self-centred.

OP posts:
Lostinmiddleage · 30/10/2023 20:24

Obviously we don’t know all the details but worrying about a few days alone with an 11 month old and thinking of asking him to cancel does sound a bit extreme. If you had to work at home at the same time then yes a bit tricky but you say you’ll take the days off. My husband had to travel quite a bit when ours were young including a 10 day trip when they were 4, 2 and 8 weeks. I didn’t like it but I’d remind myself that single parents do it all the time and those in the military do it for several months or even years! I dreaded it and yes it was tiring but you just have to let some things (like housework!) go for a bit and don’t feel the pressure to make everything perfect. It is annoying that you’re having to take annual leave I agree but I think you’d feel bad if he missed it? He also might resent it and bring it up in months/years to come too, it’s just not worth it. Maybe one day over a weekend you can have a day at a spa in return.

SoAndSoSaidSo · 30/10/2023 20:34

My DH can work away for months at a time and the some weekends don't make it and this has been multiple times over the years. MIL died 6 years ago and no other family close by.

I just plod on, not much else to do. We're all fine so far. We don't have a dog.

Pepsi2001 · 30/10/2023 20:40

Yes you are being totally unreasonable!! Why can't you cope with one child?? Wee word with yourself I think !!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread