To think these are correct table manners or am I just a snob??

[Justintime3]

I was raised with strict table manners, yet I have never been sat at a table with anyone who has the same table manners I do! Are these over the top?

This is what I was taught

1. Do not eat until the person who cooked sits down (excused if the chef says you can start)
2. Do not eat until everyone has their food in a restaurant (excused if the person without their food says you can start)
3. Chew with your mouth closed and do not speak with your mouth full
4. Do not take calls or use your phone at the table. Excuse yourself if you need to
5. Put your knife and fork together at the front of your plate when you are finished
6. Offer the last serving of XYZ to the table before you take it
7. Thank the person who cooked and offer to clean up
8. Elbows off the table
9. Tear bread into small chunks to eat in a restaurant, don't bite off the whole roll

10. Use cutlery correctly

• index finger on top of your knife and fork
• spoons for soup and dessert only. Spoon the soup from the farthest side of the bowl
• load food onto the back of the fork with your knife. (No 'shovelling' as my mum called it)

My mum's always been really strict on it and is the type to point out people's bad table manners so I've always followed these to a T. Thoughts? Is this over the top and I'm a snob, or are these just normal to expect?

Because of how I've been raised I can't help but be put off when I see someone without these manners.

Just keen to see how others were raised!

I had the same up bringing but now fail on 2 counts.
I’ve been known to put my elbows on the table and find eating certain foods difficult off the back of a fork (rice being the bigger culprit)
Talking with your mouth full or chewing with your mouth open are my biggest bugbears.

I would never judge! Politeness in all areas of society is a weird mix of rules which ensure basic consideration for others and rules which signify class or let you judge people if you want. Table manners are a subset of both categories IMO. Sorry to be touchy about it - I also have a fairly marked RP speaking voice and it’s assumed that I think I’m better than others because of it, I absolutely don’t, it probably sounds prissy and annoying.

Let's not forget the Health & Safety aspect too. Difficult to enjoy a meal whilst repeatedly flinching away from cutlery brandished by an excitable fellow diner.

Depends where you were brought up. I was brought up "American" style where the fork is often in the right hand without a knife and when using both, the fork is used for piercing food rather than sitting on top. At the end of the meal, knife and fork go together at somewhere between 4 and 5 on the clockface with knife edge inwards and the knife on the outside (closer to 4 and the fork on the inside/left)

Pesky peas?

I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life. It makes the peas taste funny, but it keeps them on my knife. (Ogden Nash)

I was taught all of these, but I think some are much more important than others. I don't care if someone put their elbows on the table or shovels with their fork. However if someone takes the last of the food without offering it round, or starts eating before everyone has been served, that is the lowest of the low. Not saying thank you is pretty bad too. Excessive phone use frowned upon.
Making sure everyone is comfortable and has what they need is my priority, so offering to pass things round, keeping an eye on who may have been missed out when the gravy went round, that kind of thing.

I don't care at all, I remember recovering from jaw surgery and eating like a real mess. Thing is I had to publicly cos I'd developed such a complex about it and it was causing me to lose weight. It meant I had to eat with my mouth open a lot and I was so conscious of it, would've probably cried if someone had mistaken it for had table manners😂

Exactly this. It seems performative rather than polite- Oo look at how genteel I am you sweaty flustered maid when I’ve done all the graft.

These are basic manners not at all snobby

YANBU, and well done to your mum!

YANBU.
I was brought up with all these, but I thought my parents were strict about table manners. They said they were very important and people judge you on it. I'm 38 and they still correct me on them, and definitely no phones at the tables.

However, I've noticed a lot of people I know don't do these. Not sure if it's a class/regional thing (I'm northern/working class). My partner and his family would definitely take the last of something and not offer it nor bat an eyelid.
I do the soup 'spoon away from you' but never seen anyone else do it.
Also a big one to me is waiting until everyone has been served. Everyone just digs in now. Often I find I'm the last one waiting.
I think table manners are on the down and it's no thanks to iPads being commonplace at meal times. I can't criticise that too much as DD does it 🙈

The back-of-the-fork thing isn’t good manners, it’s just a British cultural oddity. Why not use the fork the way it was intended? There’s a reason it’s shaped like a spoon. In what way is it better manners to pile food up on the back of the fork, rather than scooping food at the front? So illogical.

OP, how are you with chopsticks and soup dumplings? And can you eat a curry with your hands? Manners are all relative…

Cutlery should be at 20 past 4. Not in front of you.

yep, agree. Sorry OP, your pedantic mum has got it wrong 🤣

I’ve heard of all of them other than tearing your bread up (??) and soul from the back of the bowl (why?)

I think some are just generally good manners (don’t speak with your mouth full) others make less sense (no elbows on the table)

phone is a newer one really, I think it depends on the situation as to whether using your phone is acceptable

Spoons were to be held the same way you hold a pen.

I've tried and tried, but I can't actually work out how this would possibly work in any way to allow you to functionally use a spoon.

In my house, we have the most crazy, unfathomable customs ever: we hold a spoon in the way you hold a spoon and we hold a pen in the way you hold a pen. Bonkers, we are.

That’s how I was taught also, not sure I always follow it all but I do try.

That all sounds "de rigeur" to me.

I'm now reflecting if I've ever bitten into a bread roll rather than the small chunks, or shovelled onto a fork. I think I probably have, so whilst I agree in principle, in practice I think I have been a bit more flexible.

Same table manners that I was brought up with. YANBU

The cutlery placement is to make the plate clearing a smoother action- the server can pick up the plate with one hand while using the thumb to keep the cutlery in place, without needing to lean in to the diner’s personal space

Yes agree with all that, but I don't offer to clean up! And I hate it if a guest does - stay out of my kitchen!

No, there is nothing there that is strict. It's good table manners.

OK, some leeway can be allowed, especially with small children. However, I don't see anything wrong with them.

Some people just have no table manners

Cutlery should be at 20 past 4. Not in front of you.

yep, agree. Sorry OP, your pedantic mum has got it wrong 🤣

Incorrect.

Cutlery should be crossed with fork tines facing down in to indicate you are still eating.
Cutlery should be placed at 6.30pm with fork tines facing up to show you are finished.

And how the fuck is that going to matter in a greasy spoon cafe?

Most of these rules are pretty much what I was taught. Not the phone one - you must be a lot younger than me OP. But does it matter how people hold their cutlery etc? When the DS were little some of their friends didn't follow all of these rules and DS2's exgf was American and she and her parents had their own rules - it didn't bother or have any effect of me/us. The only one that does is eating with your mouth open as it is offputting/gross

The masticating cow look - ie eating with you mouth open, makes e feel physically ill. I can not abide seeing other people half chewed foord.
V common in my nieces generation - she now aged 21 gets my issues with it but still lapses.

Basic table manners OP

This is very UK- centric I suspect. I hope people aren't busy judging people from other countries on the basis of British etiquette!

All standard manners in my house except you should spoon the soup away from you in the bowl