To think these are correct table manners or am I just a snob??

[Justintime3]

I was raised with strict table manners, yet I have never been sat at a table with anyone who has the same table manners I do! Are these over the top?

This is what I was taught

1. Do not eat until the person who cooked sits down (excused if the chef says you can start)
2. Do not eat until everyone has their food in a restaurant (excused if the person without their food says you can start)
3. Chew with your mouth closed and do not speak with your mouth full
4. Do not take calls or use your phone at the table. Excuse yourself if you need to
5. Put your knife and fork together at the front of your plate when you are finished
6. Offer the last serving of XYZ to the table before you take it
7. Thank the person who cooked and offer to clean up
8. Elbows off the table
9. Tear bread into small chunks to eat in a restaurant, don't bite off the whole roll

10. Use cutlery correctly

• index finger on top of your knife and fork
• spoons for soup and dessert only. Spoon the soup from the farthest side of the bowl
• load food onto the back of the fork with your knife. (No 'shovelling' as my mum called it)

My mum's always been really strict on it and is the type to point out people's bad table manners so I've always followed these to a T. Thoughts? Is this over the top and I'm a snob, or are these just normal to expect?

Because of how I've been raised I can't help but be put off when I see someone without these manners.

Just keen to see how others were raised!

I wouldn’t judge mostly unless really awful.
Went to a very nice hotel a few weeks ago and the teenage girl opposite me was eating a whole chicken breast off a fork instead of cutting it up with a knife, quite unpleasant to look and and I did blame the parents, surely you teach some manners and etiquette before going to nice places

Myself and my brothers were brought up with these ‘rules’ including having to ask to leave the table once finished. I’ve been popping in and out of this thread to see what everyone has been saying and it’s made me think about when I go out to eat. I eat out every couple of months, occasionally like this month I might eat out a few times. I can honestly say that I have never concerned myself with what the other diners are doing, in particular the people that I am eating with. I’m far more interested in catching up with my friends or if I’m sitting next to someone I don’t know at a wedding or a work function getting to know a little bit about them. If someone was just using a fork or picked up a chip with their fingers I don’t think I would give it a second thought, it’s not really that important. If my eating companion was a solitary fork user with one elbow on the table biting into their bread roll who is interesting and interested I’d be quite happy.

Completely normal table manners. But there’s obviously people who don’t have them.

And I will reserve the right to judge people not using them, to me it indicates people who have no regard to social norms, who have little regard for others, I would wonder what other things they don’t value.

However the above would only really apply where there is the ability to adhere or the opportunity to have learned these things.

Yes we had to ask to get down as well @AmandasFleckerl We weren't half as strict with our DS. I think just use your common sense. People don't want to see the inside of your mouth when you are chewing and it is annoying for the cook if people start before them (especially if they are still ferrying meals to the table). Whether you use the front or back of your fork to pick up food is really neither here or there (to me). I think you are so right, manners are less important than personality *or someone that you just click with) IMO

What about when served lobster? Reminds me of the time I cracked open a claw and sucked out the meat (best bit) in a restaurant (local and not at all fancy) and OH being mortified.

Also eating curries and other foods like this? Do you scoop on the back of the knife? Surely a fork and spoon should be used.

Im all for general manners but can’t agree on the knife and fork etiquette. I eat with the utensils the wrong way round and can’t for the life of me eat with a fork in my left hand despite being strongly encouraged as a child. I also almost never use a knife when I eat and usually use the side of the fork unless it’s a cut of meat. I’ve rarely had anyone comment on my style although started to think I’ve been silently judged by everyone I’ve ever eaten with.

I was wondering the same about pasta dishes especially spaghetti @s4usagefingers, How does the OP eat that? I eat it the same way as Italians do.

Based on the ones I know, Italians don't all eat spaghetti the same way.

My mum drilled table manners into us (as I have with my dc) saying ' when you have tea with the Queen ...'
One time I was about to perform on the QE2 with an opera group, and the leader asked us all to dinner at her house. I thought this was a kind gesture. No, I found out later she was checking our table manners in case we were invited to the captain's table.
Even now, I work at an exclusive private school, and it bothers me (irrationally) when I see teachers at lunch holding their cutlery like toddlers.

So let me just get this straight. If you were eating a meal with someone who didn't push their soup spoon to the back of the bowl or whatever the prescribed method is, or who committed the utterly heinous sin of buttering a slice of bread and taking a bite of it, you would silently be concluding they were a degenerate not safe to be out and about in society?

MN: the gift that keeps on giving. The people blithely revealing that they have these irrational prejudices are saying far more about themselves than about the people they are judging.

I was brought up this way too, I feel physically sick if I see someone lick their knife! 😱

@MassageForLife I have travelled a lot in Italy and have Italian family members. I am pretty sure I have only seen Italians eating spaghetti with a fork only except some children who also use a spoon - that's what I remember anyway. My point was would OP use a knife and fork?

load food onto the back of the fork with your knife. (No 'shovelling' as my mum called it)

Fuck that, takes bloody ages.

Interesting! I know one older Italian lady who uses a spoon. Tbf most just use a fork.

Agreed. There's a very unattractive smug note coming through from people who skim read the first few points on OP's list and jumped in to say 'basic good manners! I follow all these because I was well brought up, my children are well brought up too obviously, we all do all these things, I judge those who don't' etc etc without a moment's though about how UK-centric or class-based this all is, and also whether changing times and diets might perhaps mean that some of these rules no longer have any logical basis, if indeed they ever did. And of course no consideration at all for people with disabilities or even left-handed people. It's like stepping back in time, and not in a good way. After all, the fork was not commonly used for eating in the UK until the 18th century, and yet people somehow managed to feed themselves.

Politeness, consideration & gratitude. All that really matters at mealtimes.
Most of these ‘manners’ are outdated rules that feels stiff & unimportant.
imagine getting so agitated by how somebody holds their cutlery. Sad & pathetic really.

Elbows on the table can be rude in certain circumstances when there's a bit of a squeeze at the table, encroaching more on your neighbour's space (see man spreading) and potentially it excludes diner to either side of you from the conversation. But when you are dining for two - with your partner for example - you are naturally leaning forward - excluding the whole restaurant - elbows on the table feel more comfortable, relaxed and entirely appropriate, imo.

YANBU. You have good traditionally British table manners, this for me is nice to see when eating with wider family and friends, but I can be more of a slob if it’s just two or three of us at home but I think that’s OK.
We are all different and brought up in different cultures etc, I suspect eating in polite company in a difficult culture like China or Japan for example could be very stressful for a Brit - similarly if you were brought up eating off your knee in front of the TV in the UK, it might be stressful in a formal dining setting. Uk table manners aren’t very complicated though.
Eating with mouth open and talking with your mouth full really irritates me. Strangely I find it’s my older relatives that do that.

It can go to far though - I have one extended family member drives me mad when she refuses to start eating while the food is still hot until I have sat down even when I ask everyone to start!
It’s not snobby to hold your idea of good table manners - so long as you bear in mind everyone’s different experiences and backgrounds.

I'm trying to work out the index finger cutlery thing. You ideally shouldn't hold your cutlery like a pen but the index finger thing sounds more like lower middle class pretention to me, sorry.

And to clarify, you tear pieces off a roll but not tiny ones - quarters is probably fine.

One of my friends at school had a mother who liked to comment liberally on her daughter's friend's manners - horrible host - manners should make people feel more comfortable - but she, like many, seemed to use them to the opposite effect. Rude woman.

I’d say most are fair enough apart from the last one - holding your knife and fork “properly”

as someone who is dyspraxic I have never mastered this. I use my knife and fork jus t not in the way others may like. If I did we’d all be wearing my food!

Quite correct. I think a practical reason is to reduce spills on clothing. The poster is correct about basic table manners.

And maintain good posture. Nò leaning back into the dining chair.😉

Yes also brought up with same table manners, with when finished, please may i leave the table.
I dont like to see the phone on the table or mouth open when chewing, i no longer take the soup from the opposite side of the bowl now im older i tend to spill it before its reached my mouth.
I dont like to see the fork used as a shovel but each to their own.

All normal. I work in a restaurant and the most irritating thing for us is customers not eating all of their food, but not putting cutlery together to indicate they have finished. Then they will get irritated about the slow service because the table is not being cleared.

@Sue2704 thank you! It’s difficult to risk FOH/manager telling you off for clearing too soon vs guests being annoyed that the meal is going too slowly. It doesn’t have to be cutlery placed in a certain way but it really helps when some sort of signal is given.