To think these are correct table manners or am I just a snob??

[Justintime3]

I was raised with strict table manners, yet I have never been sat at a table with anyone who has the same table manners I do! Are these over the top?

This is what I was taught

1. Do not eat until the person who cooked sits down (excused if the chef says you can start)
2. Do not eat until everyone has their food in a restaurant (excused if the person without their food says you can start)
3. Chew with your mouth closed and do not speak with your mouth full
4. Do not take calls or use your phone at the table. Excuse yourself if you need to
5. Put your knife and fork together at the front of your plate when you are finished
6. Offer the last serving of XYZ to the table before you take it
7. Thank the person who cooked and offer to clean up
8. Elbows off the table
9. Tear bread into small chunks to eat in a restaurant, don't bite off the whole roll

10. Use cutlery correctly

• index finger on top of your knife and fork
• spoons for soup and dessert only. Spoon the soup from the farthest side of the bowl
• load food onto the back of the fork with your knife. (No 'shovelling' as my mum called it)

My mum's always been really strict on it and is the type to point out people's bad table manners so I've always followed these to a T. Thoughts? Is this over the top and I'm a snob, or are these just normal to expect?

Because of how I've been raised I can't help but be put off when I see someone without these manners.

Just keen to see how others were raised!

the only time forks were ’allowed’ to be turned over is when eating peas. Even Debretts says it is acceptable to do this!

Agreed. It’s when it’s used in the shovel style for everything that winds me up.

Not a snob, just normal table manners imo!

It's fine to use a fork in any way that achieves the objective, which is to get the food into your mouth without it dropping back into your plate.

Pretty much brought up by my grandparents and had similar rules at the table. We also had to ask permission from my grandad to leave the table.

I was raised the same way OP, on the other side of the world if that makes any difference.

Normal to me!

20 past 4 signals to a waiter that you haven't finished. 6.30 signals that you have.

These are basic table manners.

I don’t do 9 or the soup thing but everything else is pretty standard manners I think

But why does it wind you up? I can't imagine noticing let alone feeling irritated by which way someone holds a fork. What possible difference does it make to your experience of the meal?

I didn't know a lot of these rules and I don't really care for them. I'm British asian so they just weren't rules I've grown up with. In my own home, I expect everyone to chew with their mouths closed, wash their hands before and after eating and no phones at the table and to eat with their right hand. My kids learn to eat with their hands first as that is more important and cutlery gets introduced slowly. It's polite to wait for others to be seated when I plate up in serving dishes for the kids to help themselves. More often than not I plate up their meals so expect them to start eating. I don't care for the snobbery that only civilised people eat with cutlery, I might inwardly roll my eyes at those that eat a curry and naan or worse a samosa with a knife and fork though.

I have been a bit of a rebel in my advanced age and ask for a spoon for rice in restaurants now. I was taught to use a fork and spoon for rice when travelling in South East Asia and it was revolutionary. As they are a rice growing region I consider that the authoratitive way of eating rice. Balancing rice on the back of a fork is pure pretension.

Agee with all of them apart from loading the back of your fork. It not may be good manners but it's much easier to load the front of your fork and "shovel" so I do admit to "shovelling". Sorry mumsnet.

Correct!

I have a bad tremor so I’m happy if my food remains on the fork or spoon at all. I’m self conscious about eating in public but still do it because I enjoy meals out with friends. My friends accept that sometimes I ‘shovel’ my food as your mother would so delicately put it because I can’t hold my fork correctly. I have to put my elbow on the table on occasion to steady my arm and I can find it difficult to cut my food because the cutting motion can be hard for me so sometimes I end up pulling my food apart with my cutlery. I can’t twist spaghetti using a fork and spoon anymore so if I’m served long pasta I have to cut it up. I was brought up with all the basic manners your post refers to but a neurological disorder has meant that I have had to adapt. So apologies if my lack of etiquette offends you but I’m just trying to eat my meal without getting it in my lap.

All of those things are correct, OP. I cannot bear to see what many people do now - eat with a fork only, in their right hand.

Normal, nothing to do with snobbery.

I know these rules have ‘always’ existed, but they’re ableist and racist, tbh.

Different cultures eat differently. Autistic/ADHD DS1 struggles with cutlery and sitting normally.

I think everyone should know how to behave like this and we're doing a disservice to our children if we don't teach them. But not every family meal needs to be eaten like this. The important thing is knowing when and where. My adult children are very pleased that they know the formal manners and behaviour I taught them (in the face of much mockery!) even if they don't use them every day.

1-7 I think make perfect sense and I expect they apply fairly universally (though phones at table does seem to becoming more accepted sadly), though perhaps the eating with mouth closed is less applicable when slurping a noodle soup.

8-10 are remnants of English upper/middle class ways that I don't think matter/apply anymore.

The elbows off the table rule was apparently to allow silver service waiters access to your plate when serving. At restaurants they don't typically do this service these days. I think the only time it's useful nowadays is when you are a bit crowded at the table due to extra guests etc. It's certainly possible to eat "politely" (closed mouth, not speaking when chewing, waiting for the chef to start) and have elbows on the table so I don't insist on elbows off with my kids.

I agree that taking a bite off a shared piece of bread is damn rude but why do you need to tear your own roll into tiny bits?

The using back of fork only doesn't make sense for most non-western meals, or in fact most non traditionally British food. For example, we serve pasta dishes with spoon and fork, and often only eat with fork doing the spaghetti twist thing. We also eat a lot of Asian food at home, and use chop sticks and rice spoons a fair bit.

Again - lots of people are replying like this but with no explanation, and I really don't understand what it is that you can't bear about it? Someone talking with their mouth full or chewing with their mouth open is something I can't bear because it looks revolting. But someone holding a piece of cutlery differently to you? Ok, you might be desperate for everyone to know that you learned these rules as though it makes you a better person than someone who didn't, but to not be able to 'bear' it - why not?

See!!!
Outdated.
Unless you have ‘staff’ who are not allowed to speak to you, there’s no reason why you can’t rest your cutlery at 3.15 or 12.00 or any other damn place

I was brought up with most of these but I think some of them are just bollocks. Elbows off the table? Why? It's really bloody uncomfortable!

This thread is an example the U.K. continues to fall behind on a global scale

Weird false idea of "cultural superiority" because a fork and knife is lined up in a particular way, when it's obviously v U.K. specific and just used to look down on other cultures given so many posters claim to be "horrified/disgusted" when others don't do these things.

Meanwhile all the U.K. has to offer these days is financial services and arms manufacturing, while China and other nations soar ahead 😢

6 on the list are basic manners, but most are based on a rules when people have waiting staff and most of the working class sounding people on this thread have neither.

*example of why