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Original poster

To think these are correct table manners or am I just a snob??

1000 replies

Justintime3 · 28/10/2023 22:37

I was raised with strict table manners, yet I have never been sat at a table with anyone who has the same table manners I do! Are these over the top?

This is what I was taught

  1. Do not eat until the person who cooked sits down (excused if the chef says you can start)
  2. Do not eat until everyone has their food in a restaurant (excused if the person without their food says you can start)
  3. Chew with your mouth closed and do not speak with your mouth full
  4. Do not take calls or use your phone at the table. Excuse yourself if you need to
  5. Put your knife and fork together at the front of your plate when you are finished
  6. Offer the last serving of XYZ to the table before you take it
  7. Thank the person who cooked and offer to clean up
  8. Elbows off the table
  9. Tear bread into small chunks to eat in a restaurant, don't bite off the whole roll
10. Use cutlery correctly
  • index finger on top of your knife and fork
  • spoons for soup and dessert only. Spoon the soup from the farthest side of the bowl
  • load food onto the back of the fork with your knife. (No 'shovelling' as my mum called it)

My mum's always been really strict on it and is the type to point out people's bad table manners so I've always followed these to a T. Thoughts? Is this over the top and I'm a snob, or are these just normal to expect?

Because of how I've been raised I can't help but be put off when I see someone without these manners.

Just keen to see how others were raised!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
AdoraBell · 29/10/2023 00:21

YANBU, standard manners.

Shinyandnew1 · 29/10/2023 00:24

5. Put your knife and fork together at the front of your plate when you are finished

Thats a new one to me, but the rest are common manners

Gingercreams · 29/10/2023 00:25

To be fair I think the soup spooning rule was to reduce the risk of spilling it on yourself!

darksoya · 29/10/2023 00:25

Normal to me and my family however it does seem impossible to a lot.

ItsRainingTacos79 · 29/10/2023 00:26

Are these rules purely British or do Europeans and Americans also have the exact same rules?

I'm Asian and was raised to eat with my right hand but quickly learned to use cutlery correctly at primary school simply through observation. It didn't seem like a big deal. Today, depending on what type of food I'm eating or where I'm eating I will use appropriate cutlery: chopsticks, fingers/hand, knife and fork, fork and spoon, seafood picks, chopsticks and spoon... I've raised my children to also eat with whatever the meal requires. I don't explicitly tell them what is considered correct and what isn't. They just pick it up from observation. My table manners and my children's table manners are not far off from your list - except for the way you eat soup.

mrsmartins85 · 29/10/2023 00:26

I do most of those, despite have a very “informal” upbringing, apart from no shovelling, sorry but as an American it’s bananas that you’re expected to balance peas on the back of your fork. Life is too short…

ladykale · 29/10/2023 00:26

WhateverMate · 28/10/2023 23:59

IME truly middle class people (born and raised) have normally experienced so many different cultures and classes, they wouldn't dream of judging others based on their own personal upbringing.

The 'moving classes' however, can certainly show themselves up in doing this and of course they see being called a 'snob' as a compliment rather than the insult it actually is.

"Oooh Dave, someone called me a snob today. We've made it! Gorn up in the world so we have" 😁

THIS exactly!

They are usually well travelled and more exposed to other cultures. Suspect many of this thread likely don't fit into this bucket

I find "wannabe" middle class people to be most obsessed with these things...

Autumnvibes23 · 29/10/2023 00:27

WhateverMate · 29/10/2023 00:13

Thank God it's not just me who was confused by OP's post.

She's not going to get much soup on her spoon if she's starting from that point, is she? 😳🤣

Show quote history

Exactly! It is a very strange rule that most people seem to agree with! 🤯😂

Chickychoccyegg · 29/10/2023 00:27

Can't imagine being in a world where anyone gave a single fuck about how I ate a bowl of soup, so no I don't agree with starting at the far side of the bowl, start wherever you like.
The problem with offering the last slice of something to the table means that someone else might take it....why is their need greater than yours?
Unless someone has gross table manners, (slurping, chewing with open mouth etc) I really don't care how someone eats.

Original poster
Justintime3 · 29/10/2023 00:28

Icelolly999 · 28/10/2023 23:16

I agree with all of them and was taught the same.

I will add, not getting down from the table unless you have a good reason and then excusing yourself. I do this even if it is just our family because it was drummed into me.

when I first met dh he kept leaping up from the table wherever we were and he still does it now, even if we are out with friends etc and it makes me irrationally mad.

My partner does this. At dinner with my family if we are out, he's always getting up without excusing himself!

OP posts:
YourWinter · 29/10/2023 00:29

YANBU

yodaforpresident · 29/10/2023 00:29

Those are fairly standard. I was taught fork only for spaghetti and definitely no spoon or knife involvement. You use your dominant hand and the base or side of the plate to twist a few strands at a time.

Autumnvibes23 · 29/10/2023 00:30

ItsRainingTacos79 · 29/10/2023 00:26

Are these rules purely British or do Europeans and Americans also have the exact same rules?

I'm Asian and was raised to eat with my right hand but quickly learned to use cutlery correctly at primary school simply through observation. It didn't seem like a big deal. Today, depending on what type of food I'm eating or where I'm eating I will use appropriate cutlery: chopsticks, fingers/hand, knife and fork, fork and spoon, seafood picks, chopsticks and spoon... I've raised my children to also eat with whatever the meal requires. I don't explicitly tell them what is considered correct and what isn't. They just pick it up from observation. My table manners and my children's table manners are not far off from your list - except for the way you eat soup.

Americans definitely have different rules.

I must admit (white British) I've never learnt properly to eat with my hand. I do have a go!

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 29/10/2023 00:33

It's funny, because there are plenty of people saying that you must leave your knife and fork in a particular position to politely indicate that you have finished; yet there are lots of other people who will believe it to be extremely impolite not to eat all of the food on your plate.

It may be the case in very posh households that servants will rush to bring more food to those who indicate with their cutlery that they haven't finished to their satiety yet (even though their plate is completely empty), but I've never known a standard restaurant/pub where they will just bring you more food without your ordering (and paying for) it.

Also, a great many people eat with their family or friends and will quite readily communicate with words as to their appreciation/fullness/availability of seconds - rather than silently putting their cutlery at a specific coded angle and assuming that the person taking their plate away will also be familiar with that code.

Autumnvibes23 · 29/10/2023 00:33

Chickychoccyegg · 29/10/2023 00:27

Can't imagine being in a world where anyone gave a single fuck about how I ate a bowl of soup, so no I don't agree with starting at the far side of the bowl, start wherever you like.
The problem with offering the last slice of something to the table means that someone else might take it....why is their need greater than yours?
Unless someone has gross table manners, (slurping, chewing with open mouth etc) I really don't care how someone eats.

If 2 people want something we usually split it!

DiscoBeat · 29/10/2023 00:33

We do all of those things except putting things on the back of the fork. You can see by its design how it is meant to be used!

MajorBarbara · 29/10/2023 00:34

You're not a snob; these are just basic manners. Anyone who can't manage them must be badly brought up.

Original poster
Justintime3 · 29/10/2023 00:37

GarlicGrace · 28/10/2023 23:39

It's not usually necessary to stipulate "White British" on this website, in Britain where 82% of the population are white.

It is bad manners to ignore the prevailing etiquette of your hosts if from (or you are in) a different culture. It's one of the things I don't like about visiting the US - all that cutting, then switching hands & eating with the fork only!

I was raised with rigid table manners and still apply them - I will, if relaxed, lean on the table a bit and sometimes talk before swallowing (courteous reply comes before continued chewing, but I'd never overfill my mouth). And I confess to hating the back of the fork thing: it's mad & illogical! I 'shovel' unless the situation seems to call for vigilant etiquette.

Most challenging regional etiquette thing I've encountered: cutting and peeling fruit with a knife & fork - South America. There's a logic to it, as hygiene may not be dependable and there's a big taboo on touching your food, but it's really hard if you haven't been practising since nursery.

Most fun thing: scooping food up with a flatbread - much of Asia & Africa.

I eat pizza with a knife and fork 😂

Same with the pizza! I agree with everything you've said

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 29/10/2023 00:37

MajorBarbara · 29/10/2023 00:34

You're not a snob; these are just basic manners. Anyone who can't manage them must be badly brought up.

What is your definition of badly brought up?

Small flat with no room for a table?

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 29/10/2023 00:38

I'll bet some snobby people start having palpitations and have to rely on their staff to dash over with smelling salts at the merest sight of a spork, unless at a museum of stone-age life!

user1492757084 · 29/10/2023 00:38

Yes, just basic good manners.
And there are more .. an example ..
Tear apart a scone, never cut. Try not to leave a person eating alone - eat approx as slow as the slowest person. Try all dishes and just leave aside that which you can not eat.
Use jam spoons and butter knives etc etc.

Manners are to make the people with whom you are dining feel at ease, included, not having to see food chew and feeling well valued as the host and cook.

Always nice chatter and happy vibes at the table was my Mum's influence too.

Autumnvibes23 · 29/10/2023 00:39

MajorBarbara · 29/10/2023 00:34

You're not a snob; these are just basic manners. Anyone who can't manage them must be badly brought up.

Yet, I was taught to spoon your soup away from you and not to put index fingers on cutlery. I could manage to scoop soup towards me or put my index fingers on my cutlery. But it wouldn't be good manners to me. Doesn't mean I was badly brought up!

Original poster
Justintime3 · 29/10/2023 00:39

Autumnvibes23 · 28/10/2023 23:48

Most are the same as I was raised but not all. We didn't have mobile phones when I was growing up so had no rule about that.

The differences:
Your index finger should not be on top of cutlery
You should spoon your soup away from you

So I think you're not strict enough! 😉

However, I wouldn't judge your (or others) table manners as I know we all have different upbringings.

Why shouldn't your index finger be on top? www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/food/article-6410493/Youve-using-knife-fork-wrong.html

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 29/10/2023 00:40

They’re all fine rules as long as you don’t become obsessed with it. Sometimes it’s more practical for others to start eating straight away otherwise the food would go cold - in our large family it could be several minutes before the last one got served.

Also ‘offer to clear up’? If I’m a guest, fuck that. Does that rule count with the men too? I bet it doesn’t. I might offer but I never really mean it. The idea of cleaning up someone else’s dishes fills me with horror. And I wouldn’t expect guests to do it my house either.

Original poster
Justintime3 · 29/10/2023 00:43

Snoeberry · 28/10/2023 23:55

Quite correct apart from point 9. Biting off the main lump of bread roll is the only polite way to eat bread based products.

The breaking off of parts of bread and eating them thus would mark you apart as a commoner. Sorry.

www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/etiquette-expert-says-eat-bread-29698335.amp

OP posts:
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