To think these are correct table manners or am I just a snob??

[Justintime3]

I was raised with strict table manners, yet I have never been sat at a table with anyone who has the same table manners I do! Are these over the top?

This is what I was taught

1. Do not eat until the person who cooked sits down (excused if the chef says you can start)
2. Do not eat until everyone has their food in a restaurant (excused if the person without their food says you can start)
3. Chew with your mouth closed and do not speak with your mouth full
4. Do not take calls or use your phone at the table. Excuse yourself if you need to
5. Put your knife and fork together at the front of your plate when you are finished
6. Offer the last serving of XYZ to the table before you take it
7. Thank the person who cooked and offer to clean up
8. Elbows off the table
9. Tear bread into small chunks to eat in a restaurant, don't bite off the whole roll

10. Use cutlery correctly

• index finger on top of your knife and fork
• spoons for soup and dessert only. Spoon the soup from the farthest side of the bowl
• load food onto the back of the fork with your knife. (No 'shovelling' as my mum called it)

My mum's always been really strict on it and is the type to point out people's bad table manners so I've always followed these to a T. Thoughts? Is this over the top and I'm a snob, or are these just normal to expect?

Because of how I've been raised I can't help but be put off when I see someone without these manners.

Just keen to see how others were raised!

My old Irish mother would have privately thought you common as muck for spooning soup towards you. So she wouldn't have thought you were snobbish - quite the opposite.

If your only reason to believe something is right is "because I was taught to do it this way" and "because other people do it this way", you should probably take stock of your guiding principles from time to time.

The bread rule is silly. Just eat the bread. Dip it in the soup if you want to.

The soup rule and the way the spoon is scooped is also something I have never heard of and couldn't get het up over. Just dig the spoon in and fill it up, being careful not to slop it.

Elbows on the table is fine as long as you aren't blocking off anyone sitting next to you. I really don't see why it should bother anyone.

Speaking with your mouth full is gross.

Why can't you use a fork like a shovel? That is the way the thing is designed.

I don't care what angle anyone puts their cutlery at on the plate. I don't think I would even notice.

Agree with OP, these are standard good manners.

The spoon doesn't start from the farthest part otherwise you wouldn't be able to spoon your soup away from you.

So THEN we had to teach our kids it was rude to point out that their friends, who were eating in a very normal way for here, were in the wrong.

Why wouldn't you teach them it's rude to comment anyway?

How others choose to hold their cutlery is none of their business no matter where they are?

Yes, but most grown ups are reasonably confident in their ability to scoop and navigate the spoon to their mouth. I’m not sure why wanting to scoop from the front is worthy of scorn.

Exactly - and those who aren't will often have disabilities or other vulnerabilities that are in no way their own fault.

Imagine judging somebody with Parkinson's for spilling their soup whilst sitting back smugly reflecting on the fact that you didn't spill a drop - and then claiming that your judginess is weirdly precisely because you are polite and well-mannered!

Somebody will now come on and say "Well, obviously it's different if people are disabled", but that doesn't wash at all.

Firstly, you don't always know if people have non-visible disabilities or health conditions; secondly, disabled folk don't need your approval to 'forgive' them for not following your anal little rules; and thirdly, and probably most pertinently, even if you munificently do 'allow' disabled people to be excused from your pointless rule, this is yet another case of othering them, as everybody has just said 'people'. Disabled people are just as much people as those who are able-bodied; it's not 'people (the normal, proper ones)' and 'disabled people (the other ones)'.

Sorry if this sounds weird to some it's just how I was raised and was drilled into me. It's instinctive to me so I am surprised when others don't do it and I was keen to see others' opinions. I do understand people were raised differently and there are casual situations where this is irrelevant but good to know this is all fairly normal

Yes, all of that, inc. the roll - break bits off to butter them.
My DF was very hot on table manners, and I’ve been grateful in later life. A friend of ours had shocking table manners - always talking with a mouth full of food. Nobody ever wanted to be the one to sit opposite him at the table, it was so gross.

Basic good manners. YANBU.

the thing that stands out about your rules is that they are mostly about showing gratitude and respect to fellow diners and the person who prepared the meal.

But no doubt there will be plenty of posters coming onto say that it’s unfair to judge people for bad table manners- they may have dementia/autism/anxiety

Weird?! This is bare minimum!!! The pillow flap is there for a reason lol I go mad if it isn't on x

Thank God it's not just me who was confused by OP's post.

She's not going to get much soup on her spoon if she's starting from that point, is she? 😳🤣

If your only reason to believe something is right is "because I was taught to do it this way" and "because other people do it this way", you should probably take stock of your guiding principles from time to time.

I completely agree. It's like me feigning horror at discovering all the 'rude, ill-mannered' people in the world who either speak very poor English or don't actually speak it at all - just because their 'excuse' is that the 'proper' language isn't used in their country!!

All standard table manners which we follow as it's how I was brought up but each to their own. DCs know the "correct" ways at the table, but when they are grown up, it's up to them if they choose to still follow them or not. It's just providing them with social skills so they have the choice.

I said the farthest side of the bowl. As in the back of the bowl, away from you

Really everyone follows 9 and 10! Because I am sure most of us don’t

and 5 I thought it was both together in the centre of the plate nit the front

But no doubt there will be plenty of posters coming onto say that it’s unfair to judge people for bad table manners- they may have dementia/autism/anxiety

Well I mean there haven't been plenty of posters coming on to say that but if they did, are you saying you'd disagree with them?

What if they just haven't been brought up with a dining table/kitchen table in their tiny flat or house?

20 past 4 means I haven't finished but taking a rest 6.30 means please clear my plate I've finished.

Why it allows you to apply pressure?

I was taught to push the soup spoon away from you, from the middle to the edge of the bowl. Other than that I completely agree that these are basic table manners and are what I teach my own children (with varying success).

It's interesting because I think you do tend to think the way you were raised is 'normal'.

I'm so surprised how you spoon your soup from the back. And so many agree! We were always taught to spoon your soup away from you. And we were always taught by our grandparents not to put index fingers out but they never commented on my working class dad doing it 😊 They taught us table manners but were never snobby about it.

Basic good manners. YANBU.

the thing that stands out about your rules is that they are mostly about showing gratitude and respect to fellow diners and the person who prepared the meal.

But no doubt there will be plenty of posters coming onto say that it’s unfair to judge people for bad table manners- they may have dementia/autism/anxiety

Yes, MOSTLY. The problem is with the petty rules that are just about controlling/shaming people and nothing to do politeness or gratitude. Do you really not look at the faces of your dining companions when conversing between mouthfuls, because you think it more 'respectful' to stare at how they're holding their cutlery?

Also, you do realise that some people DO have dementia, autism, anxiety and a whole host of other disabilities and conditions, don't you? They're not just made up to annoy you and your polite able-bodied sensibilities.

I am so sick of the othering of disabled people in so many threads on here. Disabled people are every bit as much people as able-bodied people - they and their lived experiences are not some kind of gotcha that are only put on so as to disprove your preconceptions.

Normal table manners in our household, apart from the spoon bit. If a dish needs a spoon, it gets it. Regardless of whether it is soup, desert or otherwise.

Yes I follow all those table manners. Most adults I know do the table.

Having a hellava time trying to get my teens to comply. They eat like animals.

Sounds normal to me. Though I don’t really worry about what other people are doing. Particularly if they aren’t part of my table/party. I mean it would be a bit much if an adult was picking up handfuls of spaghetti but I’m not fused if their elbow is on the table or they bite a bread roll.