To think it’s sad my ds thinks this ?

[Surprisingcomment]

Ds is 6. The last month or so he keeps asking me questions and making comments ;

‘Why don’t you have a job’
’when will you go to work?’
’Have you ever had a job? What was it?’
’my friends mums all go to work’
etc etc

ive explained to him that my job is looking after him and his siblings - asked him why he keeps asking and he said ‘because I want to know and my friends ask me and even my teacher asked once !’

He doesn’t know I also have a condition that makes working too difficult for me but that was diagnosed after I had decided to be a sahm so probably not relevant anyway .

I just feel a little sad for him that he’s getting questioned about my employment status at age 6 ! I wouldn’t have thought kids would even notice or care about these things

My mum was a stay at home mum and I remember asking her all these questions when I was even younger than him - so YABU. Kids notice, kids talk about their parents jobs together, kids do get asked in school. And you don’t have job in the sense of paid employment, which is why he’s asking. Be prepared for maybe more questions over the years, I went through periods where I felt quite embarrassed of my mum for not working (although now look back on that and roll my eyes at child me, obviously).

Children are curious - I’ve had to explain why we were the only house without a dad!

I remember my DD coming home from school and telling me that they had spoken about careers and she told them what I do for work. Although she had no idea what marketing was. I also used to volunteer and give food to the homeless and my DD thought I sold sandwiches for a living.

I think the “what do you want to be when you grow up” question at school always leads to talking about jobs - firefighter, police officer etc. Often they ask them to talk about what their parents do.

Your DS is curious as most mums have said. And I know schools doesnt necessarily explain that there are so many other outlets in life.

It will pass. I agree tell them that your job is being a mum and explain all the things that you have to do that are amazing.

A couple of things that leap out at me from this thread. One-that whatever women do is devalued. Two-looking after children, whoever does it, parent, childminder, teacher,is devalued. And crucially the member of the team who earns the money -usually (knock me down with a feather) the man-don't value or publicly acknowledge the contribution of the member of the team who makes it possible.

This is spot on. If you stay at home, you're doing the wrong thing. If you're working outside the home, you're doing the wrong thing.

When I was a student I did some nannying work. Then the same person paid me to do her housework. I got twice as much to clean than I did to watch her child. Market rates that reflect the value we put on watching children.

My DH is very successful in his field but people don't look at who had to sacrifice a lot to enable him to get there. Sure he could have done it alone, but he wanted a wife and kids and was able to do so without any impact on his career. I didn't get the same perk.

I don't regret putting being there with my children first and they value it too. At one point I did try to build my career more and regret that as it wasn't in the best interests of my children in the end.

This! Brilliant 👏

My ds is 7 and quite the opposite m. He's very happy that I don't work. He's fully aware of how some of his friends go home and taken care of by a nanny and he's actually said to me he appreciates me looking after him and his sister. He knows about the career I've had before so I think kids are just curious rather than judging.

I don't regret putting being there with my children first and they value it too.

For many people though the choices aren’t only been available for your dc because you don’t work vs working & missing stuff etc. It depends totally on job roles & flexibiity. Even before covid most parents I know who worked had flexibility & remote working options. DH wfh 2/3 days a week & I work p/t (sometimes remotely) so someone is always there for pick ups, drop offs. As I said we use still clubs if that’s what they want & definitely do in the holidays even if they are not needed. Likewise my mum was a SAHM but we still had au pairs & nannies at points to help her & so she could do her own thing when needed. I was never embarrassed & the only comment my dc have made is “your job looks boring” 😆

Yes of course, it's very different in you have a child with disabilities, but for those with non disabled children who are NT and attend school, I don't see being a SAHM as a job. I also despise the term 'full time mum'. Those who go to work are not part time mothers, they are doing it all and then some.

@WTLife "My DH is very successful in his field but people don't look at who had to sacrifice a lot to enable him to get there."

That's part of my point about being a child rearing team. My dp made absolutely damn sure that everyone, including our children knew that we were making equal contributions to our family. It's only possible to have any sort of equality if both partners are fully engaged.

I always worked & DC came home & said their friends felt sorry for them because their mothers had more time.

There is also an expectation that it should be mother who decides to be a SAHM. No one seems to be talking about dads not being at school pick up or in the school canteen or on grips trips. The weight of expectation is all on the female parent.

we haven’t shifted much done the 1950s.

I'm not complaining. I got to spend all that time with our kids, do amazing trips and time with them that he missed out on. If I'd insisted on doing more equally to have the same opportunities as him, he'd have never been able to achieve the same with his career. I had my first 30 years ago though, so it was less of a concept to be quite so egalitarian.

I'm not a believer in 'you can have it all'. Something has to give somewhere if you're spending your time in one place. You can't be doing both 100%. I'm happy with the choices made but I do acknowledge that my DH has had opportunities I haven't because I was picking up the work at home. The idea was I'd make it up a bit later. That hasn't worked out but no regrets at putting time with my children first.

There is also an expectation that it should be mother who decides to be a SAHM. No one seems to be talking about dads not being at school pick up or in the school canteen or on grips trips. The weight of expectation is all on the female parent

There are quite a few dads at my kid’s school who work around school times.

we haven’t shifted much done the 1950s

Disagree. The 1950s were better for many women in many ways. Now we are expected to do all that many women in the 50s did on top of part-time or full-time work. Parents, many unwillingly, outsource childcare because they can’t afford to look after their own children. Whoever thinks this is progressive is delusional.

What would be progressive is less tax on main earners in a family so people have a choice of being able to afford to stay with their children.

Surely more progressive , and what I see happening more and more, is for the load to be equally shared.

DH and I both worked full time once the children were all school age. We juggled before and after school care through flexible working. Our children had the benefit of a parent always at home when they weren't in school, and we had the benefit of both progressing our careers.

This feels like proper equality. And the children have the same lifestyle they would with one sahp and one earning parent. The plus side being we aren't entirely dependent on one person's job. And of course no one is financially vulnerable or dependent.

Let's not idealise the 50s. Women would be trapped in abusive (or unfaithful ) relationships with no financial means to leave.

And my dad was fairly decent but as the sole earner in the 80s he chose how money was spent. Life was so much better once my mum was earning too and could buy things for us without needing to ask his permission (he didn't see the need for fashionable clothes for teenagers, for instance)

Certainly more progressive for the Gov for two to pay tax!
Choice has been taken away for most people. That is not progress.
Low earners are still trapped. Let’s not make out everyone has careers Most people have jobs that many would leave but cannot due to the high cost of living. Lets not idealise the 2020s!

I agree. For many many families, they aren't choosing to outsource childcare, they have no choice. Being able to afford to be a SAHM is a huge privilege not open to everyone.

@WrongSwanson I agree with you & I know a few parents who both work p/t. DHs company offer 3 months paid pat leave.

Parents, many unwillingly, outsource childcare because they can’t afford to look after their own children. Whoever thinks this is progressive is delusional.

Lots of higher income families outsource childcare even they a parent doesn’t work or doesn’t need childcare

But even in the halcyon days of the 50s low earners would either have both worked, or lived in grinding poverty.

I don't know why this myth of a Sahm as standard exists

Lots of higher income families outsource childcare even they a parent doesn’t work or doesn’t need childcare

Im really not talking about people who are high income families. They have a choice!

Agreed, when mine were preschoolers they went to nursery the same number of days a week as most of their friends whose mums were "stay at home " mums. And a lot of those mums also used grandparents regularly for"breaks" as well. I think mine probably spent more time with me than a lot of the children did with their "Sahm" because I didn't go on weekends away all the time

I'm not a believer in 'you can have it all'. Something has to give somewhere if you're spending your time in one place. You can't be doing both 100%

I agree and I think the idea that you can have it all means that a lot of parents particularly women struggle when they have kids. Unless you are high earners and can pay for help or have a lot of family support it is possible but incredibly difficult to manage.

"Being able to afford to be a SAHM is a huge privilege not open to everyone."

This. And working class women have ALWAYS worked.

However, the working class women in the past would have been baffled by the concept of "my little family" and often didn't move far from where they were born. Older women in the family routinely provided childcare.

Many years ago my dd wanted to go to afterschool club and I had to explain it's not really a thing people choose to do just for fun, it's something people need if mums and dads can't pick kids up at 3pm because they're still at work. I framed it as we're lucky because I can always pick you up.

Women are damned if we do and damned if we don't whereas my ex was treated like a hero by people we knew for taking 3 months of shared parental leave, cutting down his hours, doing housework etc 🙄 x