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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s sad my ds thinks this ?

142 replies

Surprisingcomment · 28/10/2023 17:57

Ds is 6. The last month or so he keeps asking me questions and making comments ;

‘Why don’t you have a job’
’when will you go to work?’
’Have you ever had a job? What was it?’
’my friends mums all go to work’
etc etc

ive explained to him that my job is looking after him and his siblings - asked him why he keeps asking and he said ‘because I want to know and my friends ask me and even my teacher asked once !’

He doesn’t know I also have a condition that makes working too difficult for me but that was diagnosed after I had decided to be a sahm so probably not relevant anyway .

I just feel a little sad for him that he’s getting questioned about my employment status at age 6 ! I wouldn’t have thought kids would even notice or care about these things

OP posts:
JaneFarrier · 28/10/2023 21:54

tolerable · 28/10/2023 21:09

aw...my ds1 was a 90s kid-he told EVERYONE my mas an "it girl"
whats the new age equiverlant?

@tolerable An influencer, I guess?

Maray1967 · 28/10/2023 21:56

OldBilge · 28/10/2023 20:53

I know you’ve been enlightened, but I think kids are often interested in what one another’s parents do — DS’s primary used to have parents come in and talk to Year 1 about their jobs, but the children only thought some were cool. A policewoman and a fireman were way cooler than a surgeon/architect/ academic, and DH (who was working in football, was only acceptable because he brought the club mascot in with him…)

One of my son’s friends DS told the class that his dad was a fireman - architect must not have impressed him at all.

OP, could you afford for him to go to breakfast club one or two days a week? He might be seeing the others come in together and knows they’ve been playing and he never gets to do this. The novelty might wear off so you might only need to do it for this year …

Pussygaloregalapagos · 28/10/2023 21:59

Tell him your job is to sit on the couch playing video games and playing popcorn. That is what my son thought I did all day when they were little.

My kids think I am a bit rubbish because I just work for family so not a real job!

Teenagehorrorbag · 28/10/2023 22:03

Ha ha - so glad you got to the bottom of it. 😃😃

Londonlondon4 · 28/10/2023 22:04

I know a kid the same age who is always upset their parents are working long hours and so cannot take them to activities, cook with them, etc. Kids go through stages where whatever you do is wrong, then stages where whatever you do is right.

Littlelucas · 28/10/2023 22:05

They’ve probably been talking about it in school and the teacher has been asking what their dm’s do? Your ds probably just feels like the odd one out in a world where nowadays most mums work. I’m a SAHM and sometimes feel like I’ve been the only one that is in my dc’s cohorts at school. I just tell them how lucky they are to have me there unconditionally to take them to/from school, pick them up when they’re sick and make sure everything’s lovely at home when they get in from school etc. I just blow my own horn basically and they seem to be quite happy with that! I’m pretty honest with them in that I don’t need to work and have chosen to be at home with them as I wanted to enjoy every bit of their childhood and not feeling like I was doing a half-cocked job of doing both things. I’m also honest with my dd’s about the disadvantages of this as a woman and how it means you are financially reliant on your dh. They know what I’ve done certainly isn’t the right choice for everyone.

Just be honest with him and definitely don’t be ashamed or feel “less than” for being a SAHM.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 28/10/2023 22:15

OP just tell him he (and you) are the lucky ones who get to spend a lot more time together than the mums and dads who have to go to work. I was a SAHM for five years and loved it. One of my kids also wanted to go to 'afterschool club' and questioned why they couldn't.

I WFH part-time now and they don't think I work at all. Apparently WFH isn't the same as 'going to work' and the only job that counts (at present) is being a doctor in a hospital as there seems to be a few parents who are doctors and the stories brought into school must be exciting. When they were old enough to understand I told them that I might go back to work full-time and they cried and begged me not to as they liked me picking them up after school and being able to come home. I'm lucky enough to be able to stay working part-time from home but it just shows that whatever you do will be wrong at some point or other in their lives.

PaperDoIIs · 28/10/2023 22:22

Londonlondon4 · 28/10/2023 22:04

I know a kid the same age who is always upset their parents are working long hours and so cannot take them to activities, cook with them, etc. Kids go through stages where whatever you do is wrong, then stages where whatever you do is right.

Or just always wrong.
For a long time DD moaned about having to go breakfast club, then things changed and she didn't necessarily have to go anymore and she insisted to keep going.🙄

Branleuse · 28/10/2023 22:25

Just tell him what your job was before you had children, or what you hope to do for work once he's a bit older. I don't think it's particularly intrusive question, but I'm surprised he's interested.

AbbeyGailsParty · 28/10/2023 22:29

Children are always curious that you have or had another life. My dgc were gobsmacked to learn I wasn’t always a granny and went to work. And reception age children often think their teacher lives in the school, somewhere they don’t get to see.
I’d just say my job is looking after our family and if he asks about previous jobs you can always make up far fetched ones, you were a pirate or pearl diver.

Glassesherewecome · 28/10/2023 22:31

Can you book him in for some ad-hoc breakfast clubs, maybe once a week until Christmas?
Then he can see what it's like and not feel he's missing out?

(Depending on how expensive it is!)

WTLife · 28/10/2023 22:35

Peepshowcreepshow · 28/10/2023 18:15

I was very aware my mother didn't work and was very embarrassed about it. I knew from a young age that she didn't do anything - I wasn't sure what exactly my dad did, but he had a job, she did not, I don't think it's strange to know that at 6.

How sad that you think your mother 'didn't do anything'. I'm sure she spent a lot of time serving your needs. I feel grateful that my mother wanted to stay home with us in the early years. It just wasn't the same when she went to work again.

PastorCarrBonarra · 28/10/2023 22:42

Could you afford breakfast club a couple of times a week OP?

Battenbergcoconutice · 28/10/2023 22:43

Sorry OP, I think it's great. Your son is questioning the norm, most women work, it's a good role model for women to work as well as men and perhaps the school is peddling this narrative alongside it being commonplace. As other posters have said being a SAHM is rare now. Why is it sad? Surely you should support this questioning, but if you have a health condition which interfers with your ability to work (I do and can only work part time) just explain that to him? I think that's healthier than thinking it's sad to question women not working..

Marleymoo42 · 28/10/2023 22:45

My mum was sahm and it really bothered my older sister at around age 7 or 8 but never me. I think it just came from being asked by a child or adult and she didn't know how to answer and felt uncomfortable. My mum volunteered at a hospital and she told my sister to tell anyone who asked that's where she worked. That seemed to make all the difference!

In reality she was holding life together with SEN children, parents with dementia, a sister who had severe MH problems and often went missing, an over worked husband and the general drudgery of parenthood. She also had her own health issues but even during cancer treatment never missed a school play. That she managed to find the time to volunteer is beyond me! Children just don't like to feel different but one day they will understand!

WTLife · 28/10/2023 22:47

Wellhellooooodear · 28/10/2023 21:14

It's not a job, certainly when the kids are school age. It's just not.

Show quote history

I think that depends on personal circumstances. If you home school, you have a child (or multiple) with disabilities, or you are very involved in the school. SAHM's are the ones who go and help with reading groups in the classroom, go on the school trips, help in the canteen, that sort of thing. I've seen kids be sad before because their mother's are never there. My kids who were at school were so excited to do things like come and say hello in the canteen.

I've done it all and have my opinions on what is harder. By far, the hardest has been SAHM to disabled and medically challenging teenagers. Even then I've done the odd contract work for a few hours here and there but gosh it is hard to fit in and very stressful.

WTLife · 28/10/2023 22:49

That sounds very 'six' OP. Can he go to breakfast club once or twice a week?

theduchessofspork · 28/10/2023 22:51

You’re projecting OP - he doesn’t have opinions about stay at home parents.

Kids of that age are interested in different worlds, so tell him about what you used to do so he can tell his friends, like they’ve told him about their mums. That’s all he wants.

He’ll forget about it and move onto something else in 5 minutes. He doesn’t actually care whether you work or not. He doesn’t understand what that means.

duchiebun · 28/10/2023 22:55

After a little bedtime chat he got a bit tearful and said he just wants to go to breakfast club because they have cereal and so I really should get a job then he can go, and he would quite like me to be a vet

Just send them to breakfast club, mine go sometimes even though they don’t need too as they like the food, social aspect.

Londonlondon4 · 28/10/2023 23:00

PaperDoIIs · 28/10/2023 22:22

Or just always wrong.
For a long time DD moaned about having to go breakfast club, then things changed and she didn't necessarily have to go anymore and she insisted to keep going.🙄

Show quote history

Definitely - recognize that sort of thing and it gets difficult with sport when they don’t want to do it, but don’t want to drop it.
Regarding the kid, I should add the parents are friends and I know from them.

decionsdecisions62 · 28/10/2023 23:04

Get used to it it's a judgy world when your kids start at school

iminvestednow · 28/10/2023 23:21

I honestly can’t believe my message has been deleted for saying yes, some mums and dads can’t take time off and need to work. In turn they pay others (usually minimum wage in these settings) to take care of their kids. Then have the audacity to say SAHM is not a real job, atf are you paying nursery for then?

Clariee45 · 28/10/2023 23:24

It must be where you live as most mothers at my DC school work part time, a few full time and a few at home. Yes it’s sad you being there to care for your family full time is seen as abnormal by him or anyone else 😞

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 28/10/2023 23:46

iminvestednow · 28/10/2023 23:21

I honestly can’t believe my message has been deleted for saying yes, some mums and dads can’t take time off and need to work. In turn they pay others (usually minimum wage in these settings) to take care of their kids. Then have the audacity to say SAHM is not a real job, atf are you paying nursery for then?

I agree with you

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 28/10/2023 23:49

FeelInvisable · 28/10/2023 20:37

I had the opposite. My DD 5 asked why I got to work and not drink coffee with the other mums 🤣

This. Get used to it, you can't win whatever you choose to do.

Veterinary training or buying some Rice Krispies did make me smile though!

Don't know if it's a reason for your choices but Dd1 was and still is feral when hungry. Over many years of chats and indoctrination we have persuaded her that a sensible breakfast makes her a nicer person until lunchtime and also means the odd "nice" snack is allowed in. Now that she's in her early teens she is self policing and won't look at food she burns through in 30 mins.

I think you can build up an awareness over time of the foods that work for you and those that don't. We tended to do treat foods on the weekend when we could manage the fallout. Over time you can gently build awareness of what works with what, on a match day versus a gentle day of drama and art where breakfast might stretch a little longer

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